A MAN WITH A TRAY OF SEAFOOD WALKING AROUND A PUB AT CLOSING TIME
You might expect it if Salvador Dalí ran a pub. But across the hostelries of Britain, it’s rather more perplexing. The closing time bell rings, and a man in an apron appears with a tray on which is offered all manner of marine “fare”. On one level it makes no sense, and yet there is a strange logic to this enterprise. After all, who but a drunk would want to put a whelk in their mouth at 10.55pm?

BREAKFAST WITH FROST
Just to confirm my suspicions, I e-mailed several production companies to pitch them an idea for a programme in which I invited politicians into the studio and politely asked them a succession of easy questions. No one was interested in my TV breakfast show. Clearly, I lack that “Frosty” magic.

JUDGES’ WIGS
Judges have, in the words of Thomas Jefferson, looked like “mice peeping out of oakum” since 1660. But who is to blame for this sweaty, smelly cranial appendage? Why, no less than Charles II, who returned from France convinced that the way forward for polite society was to saddle its collective head with matted horsehair. After his death, the judiciary paid tribute by adopting the look, and haven’t looked back since. That said, in 1992, the commercial court judges tabled a vote on the abolition of wigs in cases concerning commercial litigation, without reaching a resolution. Apparently, it was “too big an issue” for them to tackle alone. So, to recap: passing judgment on big business wrangles involving millions of pounds — fine; deciding whether or not to wear a funny wig while doing so — woaah, heavy.

DANDELION & BURDOCK
What is a burdock? Is it needed to counter the taste of a dandelion? In which case, why make fizzy pop out of dandelions in the first place? And which dandelions are they using? The ones in parks, where dogs go about their business? Or is there a dandelion farmer somewhere whose sole raison d’être is to cultivate dandelions for Corona? Is he growing the burdock, too?

TINNED FRUIT
Admittedly there were fewer celebrities 50 years ago, but before the golden age of air freight, happening upon a real pineapple was just as exciting as walking past Nick Ross in the street. Generally, fruit was something that, with the help of Del Monte, sat on your shelf for as long as you wanted it to, alongside apples, pears and satsumas. Why does it still sell? Nigella Lawson claims that the texture of a tinned pear is preferable to its fresh counterpart. There’s always one, isn’t there?

MIME ARTISTS
With a chronic shortage of doctors, dentists and plumbers, what we really need is a surplus of failed drama students keen to revive the art of pretending you’re stuck inside a glass box. They need to be dealt with in the only language they understand. Next time you’re in your local civic square, throw some pretend money at them.

Eurovision Song Contest Semi-Final, Thur, BBC Three, 8pm