STIPULATE AN AMNESTY ON NEW SINGLES

Poor Adam Ant has gone down in Live Aid lore as the only artist on the day to perform his new single. In fact, this isn’t strictly true. Bryan Ferry, Madonna and Dire Straits all plugged new products. Unlike that lot, however, Ant had only one song allotted to him. “This my new single — Vive le Rock!” he told the world. Had he played Antmusic instead, the ensuing goodwill would have probably shifted more copies of Vive le Rock — if only because people wouldn’t have been put off by actually hearing it beforehand.

SOME EQUIDISTANTLY SPACED SETS BY DULLARDS WOULDN’T GO AMISS

At around teatime on July 13, 1985, it was possible for the naked eye to see two things from outer space. The first was the Great Wall of China. The second was the mass exodus to the toilets as George Thorogood and the Destroyers’ set was beamed live via satellite to a country that had no idea who they were. Twenty years may have elapsed, but people’s need to wee is just as strong as it always was. Thank God, then, for Annie Lennox, Velvet Revolver and Miss Dynamite.

EXPLOIT ANY LYRICAL AMBIGUITIES TO CREATE A MEANINGFUL MOMENT OF POP REVISIONISM

We all remember that moment during I Don’t Like Mondays, when Bob punched the air and told us that the lesson today was ‘HOWTODIE!’. “Yes!” we all thought to ourselves, “because, when you think about it, the lesson today is how to die.” For a while it seemed as if you could take any sad song and pretend it was about Ethiopia. Take Drive by the Cars. “Well put,” we thought. “Who is going to drive the starving home tonight? NO-ONE. That’s who.” Whatever today’s moments of thought-provoking lyrical ambiguity are, one suspects they won’t happen during Velvet Revolver’s set.

RE-FORM THE BAND ONLY IF THE CLASSIC LINE-UP IS AVAILABLE

Makeshift line-ups don’t work. Take, for instance, Led Zeppelin’s Live Aid set, in which the mercurial genius of the late John Bonham was replaced with the torpid utilitarian thud of Phil Collins. Perhaps it was with this in mind that Bob stipulated the Spice Girls re-form with all their classic line-up or not bother at all. Surely if Pink Floyd could patch up their differences, five dancers who were briefly popular in the late 1990s could do the same? Alas, Bob seems to have forgotten his rule with regard to Queen’s appearance. Unless the Jim Henson workshop is frantically putting the final touches to a giant airborne Freddie with 30ft hands that clap in time with Radio Ga-Ga, the group’s scheduled appearance today is a potential worry.

TRY NOT TO LET ANY OLD TOM, DICK OR HARRY ON STAGE FOR THE FINALE

In 1985 we cringed as A-list stars such as Freddie Mercury and David Bowie craned their superstar necks to sing into microphones wielded by the likes of Harvey Goldsmith and Big Country’s bassist! Can we have some security this time? Otherwise, I foresee a Live 8 finale that involves Elton, Bono and Chris Martin trying to wrest a bit of mike action from the drummer of Snow Patrol.

Next Saturday, Peter Paphides will have a brand new column in the brand new magazine that takes over from THE EYE. It’s called THE KNOWLEDGE and it brings all arts and entertainment together under one roof.