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CAITLIN: And ones, apparently, which consist of some Croatian art-school types in military uniforms singing Queen’s One Vision, in German? And what about the one on which that pensioner sings Grandmaster Flash’s The Message?

PETE: The Misfits? Very clever that one, because it makes you realise that Grandmaster Flash’s lyrics are just some guy from Brooklyn moaning about young people today.

CAITLIN: You like those records because they sold only three copies. So when you play them to people, you can stroke the lapel of your cardigan and say: “Ho ho ho, here’s a rum treasure you won’t have come across before.” You hate this novelty record because you can’t surprise anyone with it. You, sir, are a Frog Snob.

PETE: I am not. I realise that he fulfils a need for bored 13-year-old schoolgirls at bus-stops to focus on something that doesn’t require talking. I just don’t want any part of it. And I don’t need to. I’m an OLD MAN.

CAITLIN: But ringtones are like records with all the long boring bits taken out! They’re snack records! You love snacks! You love records! How can you not love the ringtone?

PETE: Any attempt to engage with this ringtone “phenomenon” would conspire to make me look as ludicrous as Jeremy Irons when he was photographed outside China White, in a yellow jacket, beside an actress who wasn’t his wife. If I engaged with it, I would be having a mid-life crisis.

CAITLIN: Is having a short attention span wrong for a middle-aged man? What about our friend Rich? He only listens to the intro, chorus and outro of every song — and he’s a barrister. With a conservatory.

PETE: But ringtone-length songs cater for the people who prefer basketball to football. These are people who want constant excitement. They can’t handle a lovely, atmospheric, minute-long mandolin introduction. People like that aren’t even happy with cocaine. They had to invent crack cocaine just for them, because coke isn’t intense enough.

CAITLIN: It was only £3 . . .

PETE: I mean, an album of ringtones? In the 1960s Sgt Pepper and Pet Sounds got people excited because finally groups were getting their heads around the possibilities inherent in the “album” format. And now, four decades on: Crazy Frog Presents Crazy Hits. Don’t you feel that humankind has reached the outermost point of its journey, and has realised it has only just about enough petrol to get back home?

CAITLIN: Yeah, OK. This album is bad.

PETE (nods, briskly).

CAITLIN: But only because it hasn’t got enough Frog on it. They have some woman singing all over it. Can’t you see that these are still very early days for the Frog’s career? He just needs a good A&R, rrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr RRRRRRRRR man.

PETE (walking away): This album has single-handedly turned me against the EU. How could this enrich the life of a sane human being?

CAITLIN (on her own, weakly): That Crazy Frog — he just really makes me laugh.

Crazy Frog Presents Crazy Hits is out now on Gusto