If Monty Python can field rival football teams of philosophers, then we can do it with musicians, film- makers and artists. Kicking off a five-week series right through the World Cup, Kasabian’s Sergio Pizzorno and Saint Etienne’s Bob Stanley pick their musical fantasy XIs. Which would win: the home of Johnny Rotten, or the home of Elvis?
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THE HOME TEAM: England
Selected by Kasabian’s Sergio Pizzorno
All the great rock bands have been British. The States might have the better solo artists, but we have the teamwork. British bands have just got it: they’re sexier, they look better with guitars. End of story. Take the example of Jimi Hendrix: he was terrible when he played with American guys, but when he played with Brits, he was amazing. The American team should just not bother turning up.
Look at our side: we haven’t even picked any member of the Fab Four or the Stones. We were going for teamwork and guys with a bit of aggression. We have a spine of drummers: the goalkeeper, the sweeper and the centre back. No one’s going to mess with them.
For our coach, we’ve gone for Peter Grant, who was manager of Led Zeppelin. A South London boy who worked as a bouncer, stuntman and wrestler, Grant knows how to keep order, all right: even Vinnie Jones would be scared of him.
GOALKEEPER John Bonham
Traditionally all goalkeepers were lunatics, and so are drummers. Bonham would be our goalie because he used to s*** in groupies’ handbags.
LEFT BACK Syd Barrett
Because he’s a left-sided defender: LSD. He also looks great. He’d be our Paolo Maldini, our ladies’ man.
CENTRE BACK Keith Moon
Keith will just put people off. A fierce tackler, and he can spray a ball like Franz Beckenbauer. As long as he concentrates.
RIGHT BACK Roger Daltrey
He’s just solid, man. He never misses a tackle. He’s a Gary Neville figure — works hard and will get up and down the right.
SWEEPER Mick Fleetwood
He’s lanky, quick, and good in the air. We’ve gone for the time he lost it a bit — the Rumours time — ’cos it’s nice to have that psychosis.
CENTRAL MIDFIELD Richard James, aka the Aphex Twin
This is our wild card, our Theo Walcott. The opposition won’t know where he’s coming from
CENTRAL MIDFIELD Johnny Rotten (captain)
He’d be the Stuart Pearce figure who screams at everyone, keeps them going. He’d just . . . scare everyone.
LEFT WING Mani (Stone Roses)
He will be our Gazza: the joker, the guy who’s good for morale. He’d be the one wearing the fake tits on the victory parade afterwards.
RIGHT WING Marc Bolan
Just for the corkscrew-haired pixie’s fancy footwork — he would be a wizard down the wing.
STRIKER Noel Gallagher
We had the Charlton brothers in 1966; this time we have the Gallagher brothers. They’re best when they’re together.
STRIKER Liam Gallagher
He has that fiery temperament: he’s either gonna score a hat-trick or knock someone out.
MANAGER Peter Grant
Grant would sort them out in the changing rooms: any mucking about, you’re not off the team, you’re just dead.
Kasabian’s version of Heroes is this year’s ITV World Cup coverage theme tune
THE AWAY TEAM: USA
Selected by Saint Etienne’s Bob Stanley
It is hard to argue with the depth and talent in the US. Who can England pit against their experienced veterans? Do they have answer to the ultimate utility player, Elvis Presley? That’s right. It’s Tommy Steele. Their silky skills and sweet touches equal Brazil on peak form.
At the back no one will get the better of Roy Orbison. Don and Phil Everly may look like sweet Southern boys, but The Price of Love showed their menace in tackling. Up front, few score more screamers than Lou Christie — Lightning Strikes and I’m Gonna Make You Mine are a falsetto-fuelled match for any Beckham bender. Bobbie Gentry’s secret weapon is that she also coos the national anthem before kick off, melting the opposition.
GOALKEEPER Phil Spector
A loner and an eccentric, Spector’s such a natural-born goalie he can probably do the “spaghetti legs” thing, too.
LEFT BACK Phil Everly
See right back
CENTRE BACK Roy Orbison
The Big O.All he has to do is stand stock still — a player in the Tommy Smith mould who would command respect.
CENTRE BACK Sam Cooke
Can charm the ball from Rooney, as well as the birds from the trees. Could steal the sugar from your tea before you even noticed.
RIGHT BACK Don Everly
Now, would you rather have Don and Phil at the back, or Gary and Phil Neville? Not much of a choice, really.
LEFT WING Curtis Mayfield
Glides along the left wing with skill and grace. He’s also an expert at floating in crosses.
LEFT/RIGHT WING Neil Young
He seems equally happy on the left or the right wing. His solo runs have also never been beaten.
CENTRAL MIDFIELD Lee Hazlewood
His boots were made to walk all over you. And that ’tache could put even Derek Dougan to shame
CENTRAL MIDFIELD Elvis Presley (captain)
The hip-swerving playmaker-in-chief would command the respect of any team.
STRIKER Lou Christie
A four-octave range? Now that takes balls. And a little help from Vinnie Jones.
STRIKER Bobbie Gentry
Consistently tops the Southern Premier League. Deft flicks of her Carvalho- esque mane will bamboozle defenders.
MANAGER Colonel Tom Parker
As likeable and ruthless as Scolari, but 50 million screaming fans can’t be wrong.
Saint Etienne are filming Bound For Glory, about the 2005-6 FA Cup
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