WIN A £2,000 TV
This week and for the next two weeks The Knowledge will propose a different Arts World Cup clash. Vote for your favourite teams, and we’ll put you in the running to win a brand-new 42in Toshiba 42WLT66.
Part of Toshiba’s stylish new Regza range of High Definition LCD TVs, it boasts full HD 1080 resolution and two HDMI inputs for connecting an HD box and/or DVD player. It looks pretty stylish, too (www.toshiba.co.uk).
This week, tell us which comedy nation would win: the USA or England? Vote before Friday at midnight (and see terms and conditions) online at www.timesonline.co.uk/artsworldcup
The Away Team selected by Emo Philips
I have been asked to come up with a team of Americans who could win the World Cup. To add a third absurdity, it needs to be composed of comedians — a requirement especially absurd because we all sucked at sports and were forced into comedy in self-defence.
Back in the first half of the 20th century, comedians were athletic. This is true not only for screen comics — especially from the silent era, who were almost acrobats — but also for those who worked on stage. They had to master a panoply of physical skills, such as receiving a pie in the face or taking a pratfall without spinal damage.
So I have picked some of the legendary mirth purveyors of yesteryear. I am hoping that they will all be magically brought back to life. . . with one exception — the corpse of Milton Berle. I figure that its presence on the field will do much to psych out the other side — especially when I play my “resurrection” card.
Emo Philips will be at Newbury Comedy Festival (www.newburycomedyfestival. com 01635 522733), Jul 8-15
GOALKEEPER Emo Philips (captain)
I’m not going to pass up the chance to play alongside my comedic heroes. But I’m not myself going to run around.
LEFT BACK Drew Carey
Drew’s in Germany enjoying the World Cup, which makes him, besides myself, the only American I know who is following the great event.
CENTRE BACK W. C. Fields
As a young man he was a world- renowned comic juggler. It would be a treat to see what stunts he’d concoct with a soccer ball.
CENTRE BACK Curly Howard
With the other two Stooges as substitutes — because the last thing you want is to have more than one of them on the field.
RIGHT BACK The corpse of Milton Berle
I want him close enough to block some of the balls, but not so close that a ball deflected off him might skew past me.
LEFT WING Bob Hope
As a dancer and boxer he has the poise and the strength. Plus, I fly from Bob Hope Airport and it might be bad luck not to include him.
MIDFIELD Buster Keaton
The miraculous embodiment of grace, cleverness, agility and speed. Even a real team would be fortunate to have him.
MIDFIELD Harold Lloyd (see Buster Keaton)
RIGHT WING Woody Allen
True, he is known for comically panicking under stress . . . but placing him alongside his idol Bob Hope should forestall that.
STRIKERS Groucho, Chico, and Harpo Marx
Their collective ability to confuse will turn every goalie into Margaret Dumont.
MANAGER Phil Silvers
He’ll talk the ref out of any ruling, even over the undeniable fact that having three Marx Brothers gives us too many players.
The Home team selected by Al Murray
Football is a serious business, no laughing matter, the loneliest job in the
world. Well, maybe not the last one, it is a team sport. And, as any lazy journalist will tell you — unlike any of the noble hacks here at The Times — comedy is a serious business, no laughing matter, the loneliest job in the world.
So picking my 11 top English players has not been easy. Nor has it been difficult. It has been something in between.
Some may think there are glaring omissions: where, for instance, is Eddie Izzard? But when we’re looking at lining up the right people, I’ve had to go with my gut feelings and choose the best men that currently fit. As well as adding a healthy dollop of cliché.
Al Murray is on extended tour and on DVD. For info, and to hear his World Cup song, visit www.thepublandlord.com
GOALKEEPER John Cleese
He offers height, reach, stamina, endurance, intensity, as well as a full range of self-help books in the event of defeat.
LEFT BACK Frank Skinner
A long time gone from stand-up, but the safest pair of hands in the business, blessed with quick reflexes and a low centre of gravity.
CENTRE BACK Stan Laurel
He and Hardy get to play because Laurel was English. No one moves like this pair — physical, lyrical, the full package.
CENTRE BACK Oliver Hardy
(see above)
LEFT WING Rob Newman
— though I think he now plays under his current revolutionary name of Robert Newman. No one is as blistering on the left wing.
MIDFIELD Julian Clary (captain)
The team’s Beckham, he brings the necessary glamour quota to the side. Devastating and economic.
MIDFIELD Paul O’Grady (as self)
Too funny for words — if the other side are like me when he gets going they won’t know where to look for laughing.
STRIKER Harry Hill
A perfectly smooth head, ideal for knocking it into the net — large collars assisting with aerodynamic manoeuvring.
STRIKER Bill Bailey
Problematic, due to his general indescribability. But if you can’t describe it, how can you beat it? Almost impossible to mark.
RIGHT BACK Tony Hancock
The godfather of all British character comedy. Keeping the team in touch with its history as champions.
MANAGER Jim Bowen
You can hear the team talk now: “Super smashing marvellous, look at what you could have won.”
HOW TO ENTER
To enter this week, tell us which comedy nation would win: USA or England?
This competition is now closed
Terms and Conditions
- Competition closes at midday UK time on Friday, June 30, 2006.
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