1 The build-up to the film’s release has seen objections from several official bodies, including Opus Dei, the Vatican and the National Association for Albinism and Hypopigmentation, which says Paul Bettany’s portrayal of Silas, the evil albino monk, will give albinos a bad name. The latest dissenting voice comes the Alliance of French Female Cryptographers, which is concerned about the stereotyping Tautou’s portrayal of Sophie Neveu, the seductive cryptographer heroine, might promote. “What’s important is that people realise not all female cryptographers are enchanting, or even sexy,” it says. “Some of us are thoroughly plain, bordering on dowdy, and couldn’t smile in a cutesy, pixie-ish manner if we tried.”

2 Already, The Da Vinci Code has a porn counterpart. Though it does not possess the snappiest title of X-rated takeoffs of Hanks films (see You’ve Got Shemale, 2002), The Da Vinci Load features the following choice piece of dialogue. Sexy female doctor: “So, Da Vinci jerked off on his paintings?” Professor Lee Teabag: “It’s just the way things were done!”

3 It has been noted that “Leigh Teabing” — the name of the dastardly historian played by Ian McKellen — is an anagram of the surnames of Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, two of the three authors of The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, who recently lost a plagiarism case against Dan Brown. What has been noted less often is that “Mary Magdalene” is an anagram of “ anagram medley”, and that “Ian McKellen” can be rearranged to form “cinema knell”.

4 Studio insiders are reportedly worried that Tom Hanks’s haircut, which has been subjected to intense chemical treatment, may put younger audiences off. Rumours that the shaggy, swept-back mop was based on an exact replica of Brown’s cannot be confirmed. Before Hanks landed the lead role of Robert Langdon, professor of symbology, Hugh Jackman, George Clooney and Russell Crowe were considered, but allegedly dismissed on the grounds of “insufficiently sensitive receding academic mullet thang”.

5 It is estimated that 50m people have read The Da Vinci Code. The official figure for UK adults of sound mind still unaware of the book’s existence is 71. This is set to be reduced on the movie’s release, which could lead to the first trip to the cinema by Audrey Bentley, of Broomhill, Sheffield, since the release of The Towering Inferno. “I don’t normally like make- believe stuff,” said Mrs Bentley, 76. “But I thought I should find out what all the fuss is about. And I like that nice Tom Conti fella.”

6 “What you will see up there on screen is the book,” Brown has said of the film. While Howard has omitted the novel’s controversial, purportedly factual foreword, interviews with the director suggest he has largely ignored the protests of the Catholic church and been faithful to the plot. More discerning viewers, however, should be aware that if you take “Defy Rome Loop, Ron” and play with the letters for long enough, you can come up with “money for old rope”.

7 Tautou — who, when recently asked about the book by a national newspaper, made the somewhat oxymoronic statement “Like all of us, I devoured it in several days” — has hinted that The Da Vinci Code may be her last film. She has expressed an interest in working “with monkeys” instead.

8 Many of the scenes in the film were shot inside the Louvre, but using a fake Mona Lisa, for fear of damaging the real one by shining harsh lights on it. The damaging effect of luminosity can be seen in the trailer, which features a corpse whose entire nether region appears to have been obliterated by the rays of an Anglepoise lamp.

9 While critics are yet to see the film, an early review is featured in a leaflet from Whittlesey Baptist Church, in Cambridgeshire. “Fast-moving. Exciting. Gripping. And pure fiction!!” is the report in an A5 flyer, The Da Vinci Con. The film is called a “blockbuster”, although those unfamiliar with cheaply printed small-town literature should note that the inverted commas are not necessarily used in a “sarcastic” sense.

10 A reformed satanist, Vince Marshall, has petitioned to have the film banned in his native Malta. “We are in history now,” Leigh Teabing announces in the film. If you play this at high speed, it sounds like “We are in a stairway now”. If you play Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven backwards, it is thought to contain satanic messages.

11 Disregarding The Da Vinci Code itself, this week is one of the quietest in cinema history. “I wouldn’t want another movie to open anywhere near this one,” Sony Pictures chief, Amy Pascal, has said. Her advice has been heeded by the fledgling film-maker Allan Buckwheat, who, after much deliberation, has moved the release date of his debut short, All About My Face, back by a month. “

There might not be obvious crossover,” he said. “My film is a silent, four-hour-long, black-and-white chamber piece meditating on human bone structure, starring only me. Ron Howard’s is a fast-paced international thriller with an all-star cast. But it’s important to give yourself ample opportunity to pack in the punters.”

12 At the end of one trailer, the word “SEEK” appears alongside the letters “THSECDEO”. Unscrambling this gives you “seek the codes”, which might, if you have diminished leisure-time constraints, lead you to www.seekthecodes.com, a weblog registered to someone called “Lisa S”. Lisa S is an anagram of “Silas”, the name of the film’s brainwashed killer monk. Figuring this out will not make you a more rounded person and it takes, on average, about 23 minutes — the duration of an episode of the witty sitcom Arrested Development.

13 If you trace a route with a pen between the film’s different locations, the resulting sketch looks not unlike male genitalia. Puzzle hounds noting this fact may also be interested to find that an anagram of “Dan Brown” is “drawn nob”.

The Da Vinci Code opens on Friday