HOWZAT

Enigmatic literary obituary of the year
"Critics dedicated to astute Firbankian records of concinnity, such as Brigid Brophy, could point to her past as a stylist in the tradition of Benjamin Constant but they could hardly point to a concomitant depth." Obituary of Francoise Sagan, The Times

Parody of the year
"Okay, it may be this great big heart of mine getting the better of me (again!) but I've decided to give a dinner-party tonight . . . Regrettably, Tony never did his own cooking. He left it to others. Some say it was an abuse of power. Personally, I think he deceived himself that he was cooking when it was clear to the rest of us that he wasn't. But that's between him and his conscience. The chilli's cooked by midday, eight hours before it's due. I'm hungry, so start eating it. Before I know it, I've finished the lot. It's a set-up. I blame our whole food-store system, for allowing the shops to open so early that decent people are allowed to buy meat and veg way before we need to eat it. The tragedy of it all is that when my guests come to dinner, there'll be nothing for them to eat. I feel uncomfortable with this, of course I do. But I have wrestled long and hard with my conscience, and I would do the same again. It is hard for me to say this, but, regrettably, my guests have only got themselves to blame." Clare Short as told to Craig Brown, Private Eye

Most thoroughly shredded reputation
"As a novelist, Anthony Powell had to contend with obvious disadvantages. He had no ideas. He was incapable of conveying deep feeling. He knew about only a tiny upper stratum of English society. He was Waugh minus the wit, the poison, the torment and the genius . . . Powell was a colossal snob and not very bright. The fact that his snobbishness was a cry for help did not make its manifestations any more winning." John Carey reviews Michael Barber's Anthony Powell: A Life, The Sunday Times

Crucial philosophical problem of the year
"I have trouble keeping silent within me a protest that comes of finding oneself naked, one's sex exposed, stark naked before a cat that looks at you without moving, just to see . . . It is as if I were ashamed, naked in front of this cat, but also ashamed for being ashamed. A reflected shame, the mirror of a shame ashamed of itself, a shame that is at the same time specular, unjustifiable, and unable to be admitted to . . . Before the cat that looks at me naked, would I be ashamed like an animal that no longer has the sense of nudity? Or on the contrary, like a man who retains the sense of his nudity? Who am I therefore? Who is it that I am (following)? Whom should this be asked of if not of the other? And perhaps of the cat itself?" Jacques Derrida, from extract from a "10-hour address" in Animal Philosophy: Ethics and Identity

Best sex advice from Man Booker judge
"You need to look like a man who could trap a bear, build an ark, steer by the Pole Star and understand Ikea instruction sheets. You need to borrow the come-to-bed prowl of a man who can outstay Mr Big and outplay the popgun toy boy. In short, you must look like a man who can pleasure a woman for two hours without getting bored or arthritic." Rowan Pelling, The Mail on Sunday

Most scrupulous blurb of the year
"As Charlotte encounters Dupont University's elite — her roommate, Beverly, a fleshy, privileged Brahmin in lusty pursuit of lacrosse players; JayJay Johanssen, the only white starting player on Dupont's godlike basketball team; the Young Turk of Saint Ray fraternity, Hoyt Thorpe, whose heady sense of entitlement and social domination is clinched by his accidental brawl with a bodyguard for the governor of California; and Adam Geller, one of the Millenium Mutants who run the university's newspaper and consider themselves the last bastion of intellectual endeavour on the sex-crazed, jock-obsessed campus — she gains a new, revelatory sense of her own power."
From blurb for Tom Wolfe's I Am Charlotte Simmons ("fleshy" Beverly is virtually anorexic; Hoyt is in no sense a "Young Turk"; the intellectual clique are the Millennial Mutants; Johanssen's first name is JoJo; Adam's surname is Gellin)

Most desperate bid to rouse interest in soporific article
"For 25 years, Robert McCrum, the Observer's Literary Editor, has been at the heart of the publishing scene. Here he recalls a period of extraordinary talent and change — and how he once assaulted Sir John Gielgud with a quail." The Observer (the quail simply fell off McCrum's plate and rolled across the floor)

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