The cover alone is enough to rot your teeth: a glittery border of lucky horseshoes, flower petals and love hearts, framing an even bigger, glittery love heart within which is Jordan – or Katie Price, as she is now known – holding the head of a pony. Naturally, the pony’s bridle is candy pink.

You can see why Perfect Ponies: My Pony Care Book is such a big seller with young girls and maybe women who fondly remember their first horsey pash. Jordan Sex Bomb is no more, this is Jordan Big Sister in a succession of pink fleeces and pink boots, her hair lustrous but tamed, breasts invisible. This is Jordan does Boden, daintily carrying saddles and reins. The only sign of the Jordan we are familiar with is the deep tan, frosted lip gloss and drag-queen eye make-up.

Her riding hat has a big glittery “K” and the horses have pink browbands tied into their bridles. Not only is she a multimedia one-woman goldmine, not only does she not write all her books herself. . . the thing that will really rankle high-minded aesthetes is the prose. “The first pony I ever rode was at the riding school and he was called Oscar. He used to bomb off with me and I fell off him loads!”

This is a world away from the vividly imagined worlds of Michael Morpurgo and Jacqueline Wilson. This is not a literary book in any way. But it isn’t terrible. As a factual book, it is crisp, girly, practical and full of good advice about owning ponies: how to take care of them, different riding styles, jumping and much more. Indeed, it is so nuts and bolts it doesn’t matter so much that she didn’t write it all. There are few stylistic flourishes.

Seasoned riders might wonder why there is no mud or mucking out – the most earthiness we get is some hearty mane brushing. We learn of Jordan’s four horses and two ponies, that she likes to customise her saddlecloth with a pink feather boa and that a “big goodnight hug” and “big goodnight kiss” are “essential”.

Another Jordan reinvention, then: from party-mad vixen to mother to chat-show host to shamelessly shape-shifting “author”.

Wherever she targets next, resistance is futile. Jeremy Paxman may as well cede Newsnight now.

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