HOWZAT

7. THE PLASMA EXCHANGE

An experimental procedure. Two words that go together like ‘pig’ and ‘guinea’. It means ‘most of the gibbons we tried this on are still swinging on tyres so let’s go’. The machine looks like the love child of an Austin Allegro and a milk float. The idea is to take out your evil blood, wash it, and add some 5-star unleaded appellation controllee claret. I think. That’s what the cleaner told me and she heard it from the porter. Sadly it leaches calcium, plus your painkillers from you at the same time so unless you are a hard-core masochist avoid. Seriously. Run a mile. Take the ventilator with you if necessary.

8. THE HOIST

A way to get you out of bed by a mechanical grab like those things at the fair you can never get a gonk from and have to spend the rest of the day with a sobbing 5-year old and a sense of failure. Designed to lift by the wedding tackle, whilst swinging you aimlessly in the regulation hospital-issue bumless gown to the amusement of nurses.

9. THE ENEMA

When the suppositories are so useless you might as well shove ‘em up your etc. You’ll be told to hold it in as long as possible. 0.05 seconds later you’ll realise the ward’s in deep ah trouble. Get them to put up the ‘crime scene-do not cross’ tape around the bed, and assume the brace position. Afterwards, you may notice the previously pleasant Filipino nurse who’s been quite chatty up to now never talks to you again. You can just know too much about someone.

10. THE LUMBAR PUNCTURE

A test for meningitis or various other brain diseases, this is famed for being the North face of the Eiger of hospital tests – for both doctor and patient. A large needle is used to draw off spinal fluid. Prosaically there’s only one place to collect this from – the spine. Roll into a ball to separate your vertebrae then in goes the needle between the circular bones. Ow. Phew. Not too bad you think, relaxing. But that was just the anaesthetic. Suddenly you see the real needle. You expect to see a pole vaulter on the other end. Pete Docherty would just say no. I’d been scared of these ever since my big tough, old-fashioned Life on Mars copper of an uncle went white telling me about his. He said when he sits funny he still feels it. Well me, the John Sim to his Philip Glenister, had two of them. Guess what? When I sit funny, I can still feel it.

Future lists from Nigel Smith may include:

10 terrible conversations to have at someone’s bedside

10 ways to play the sympathy card

10 ways to annoy nurses without them weeing in your drip

10 Things you miss about hospital when you’re home

I Think There is Something Wrong With Me is published in paperback by Black Swan on 28th August 2008, priced £7.99

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