The Yusuf Islam award for the most radical U-turn
ANNE RICE for explaining how she went from chronicler of sexy vampirism to Christian allegorist in the confessional Called Out of Darkness.

The Oedipal Sales Boost of the Year prize for publicly antagonising your mother enough to see your book through the credit crunch
CONSTANCE BRISCOE for Ugly.

The Not All Publicity is Good Publicity award
JONATHAN ROSS for his presciently titled memoir Why Do I Say These Things?, which is floundering even in a vintage year for celebrity dross.

The Henry Paulson award for generosity to a publishing giant in financially straitened times
J.K. ROWLING'S timely gift to Bloomsbury of The Tales of Beedle the Bard.

The Big, Fat Bitchslap of the Year award
FAY WELDON for her devastating review of India Knight's well-meaning “Down and Out in NW3” guide, The Thrift Book.

The You Woz Robbed, Mate award
SEBASTIAN BARRY for his Booker-shortlisted A Secret Scripture, which was later revealed by two judges as their first choice for the prize.

The Cold Dish of Revenge award
CHRISTOPHER CICCONE for dishing the real dirt in Life With My Sister Madonna.

The Stephen Hawking award for the Most Bought but Least Read Book
BARACK OBAMA for The Audacity of Hope.

The J.T. Leroy award for a Gender-Bending Hoax in Fiction
CHARLES BOYLE, who, under the name of Jennie Walker, wrote a novel about cricket from a woman's point of view, which had Bloomsbury thinking they had the next Orange winner on their hands ... until he revealed that 24 for 3 was the work of an XY not an XX.

The Unlikeliest Signing of the Year award
PROFILE BOOKS for completing a deal with the rapper 50 Cent for a business book, called The 50th Law.

The Met Office “Calm Before the Calm” award
MARTIN AMIS for his much-awaited, much-hyped flopperoo, The Second Plane.

The Special Award given by the Writers' Campaign for the Crossover Pound
PHILIP PULLMAN for his crusade against age-banding of children's books.

The Third Way to Blow the Corporate Budget award
LITTLE, BROWN, HEADLINE REVIEW, and SIMON & SCHUSTER for buying the three straight-to-video new Labour memoirs of Cherie Blair, John Prescott and Michael Levy.

The John McEnroe “You Cannot be Serious” award for Judge Bashing
Canongate supremo JAMIE BYNG for attacking the inclusion of Tom Rob Smith's thriller Child 44 on the Booker longlist over Helen Garner's The Spare Room published by, er, Canongate.

The Mystic Meg award for Inspired Forward Planning
Step forward again JAMIE BYNG, for signing up early in 2007 the collected works of a junior American senator - Barack Obama.

The Carole Caplin award for most Ill-advised lifestyle guru
JANET STREET-PORTER, author of the self-help book Life's Too F****ing Short, who lashed out at Anne Enright, saying she had an “unlovely” face - pot? kettle? black? - and asking for the Booker Prize to be taken away from her because of Enright's brilliantly provocative piece on the McCanns in the London Review of Books.

And the runner up...
is the nine-year-old American relationships expert ALEC GREVEN, whose bold assault on the dating book market, How To Talk To Girls, offers such sage advice as not to wear grubby tracksuit trousers nor date too many girls at the same time.

The Turkey of the Year award
JAMIE OLIVER'S The Ministry of Food, an unpleasant lump of publishing gristle, with unappetising photographs and ready-meal recipes, is a messianic step too far. More Turkey Twizzler™ than Norfolk Black.

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