Graham Greene and Evelyn Waugh will be turning in their graves. A new novel by Piers Paul Read has been turned down by his longtime agent because it is “too Catholic”. The thriller, The Death of a Pope, juxtaposes a fictional tale of a former priest accused of terrorist activities against the real backdrop of the death of John Paul II and election of Benedict XVI.

Maybe the trouble is that Read, author of many fine novels, is an orthodox Catholic and this sentiment comes over in the thriller. His agent, Gillon Aitken, whose writers include Sebastian Faulks, Pat Barker and Germaine Greer, told Read to take out some of the Catholicism. “But I didn’t want to,” the author tells me from his promotional tour of The Death of a Pope in the United States, where it has just been published. Mind you, Aitken’s had nothing to do with the American book.

Read has clearly lost the support of his agent over this novel, but Catholic writers such as Christina Odone and Ann Widdecombe tell me they are very surprised there is thought to be no UK market. Of course, if you are Dan Brown, churning out conspiracy rubbish about Opus Dei, which is then turned into even worse films, you have an audience. But Read is no Brown. Anyway, Read is writing a new novel, The Misogynist, about a divorced man in his sixties in west London. Maybe Read should divorce Aitken.

Visits to National Trust properties are up a staggering 35% on last year. Good weather has helped, as has the low pound against the euro, which means we are not going to France, Italy and so on, but staying in the UK; and, conversely, they are coming here. But there are other issues the National Trust is facing, such as: does it plough cash into urban rather than rural properties?

Two London sites are causing some hand-wringing. The Kenyan-born poet Khadambi Asalache left his remarkable house in south London to the trust after his death. But it needs up to £4m to restore it and make it viable.

Then there is Wilton’s Music Hall in Wapping, E1, an extraordinary Victorian building whose owners are struggling to stop the roof falling in while still heroically staging music and theatrical shows. The National Trust has been talking to Wilton’s about taking it over for £5m, then refurbishing it with a museum inside. Saving city heritage makes sense to me. But Simon Jenkins, the National Trust chairman, is, I hear, no fan of the Wilton’s rescue.

North of the border, it’s the National Trust for Scotland (NTS) itself that needs rescuing, having overstretched itself on the £21m Robert Burns Birthplace Museum in his National Heritage Park in Ayrshire, due to open next year. In an attempt to bring in some cash, NTS has asked Bonhams, as part of its Scottish sale, to auction off the “patronage” of Auld Lang Syne. Burns’s handwritten poem is being kept safe in Edinburgh, but will return to Ayrshire once the museum is open. “Patronage” means individuals can bid for the name plaque next to the poem when it moves to the museum. This individual will then be, as it were, its guardian. But you will have to cough up about £50,000 for the honour.

I smell an old-fashioned Arts Council stink following its decision to put £5,000 into a new production of The (Trans) Mangina Monologues. Opening at the Pinter Studio (I’m sure the old boy would have been amused) at Queen Mary, University of London, on June 17, before a performance the following night at the Soho Theatre, the piece will explore the female to male transgender experience, as well as transmale sexuality. The production’s website says “no holes will be barred”. Get the pun?

“This work will actively challenge prejudices and discrimination towards the transgender community,” says the po-faced Arts Council. “We also believe in supporting work offering new perspectives.” What? Perspectives on very unusual private parts?

It is written into the BBC charter that a Dimblebum has to present election programmes. I jest, of course; well, only half-jest. After some speculation, David Dimbleby will front the Euro election results programme tonight. But I have some bad news for Paxo. Don’t think this means you will be anchoring the next general election. The BBC, I gather, has already decided it will be Dimblebum again. Quite right.

richard.brooks@sunday-times.co.uk

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