HOW TO DEAL WITH BOYS

The main difference between boys and girls is that boys like doing things – driving cars, playing football, throwing stuff, eating, farting, etc – and girls like feeling things – love, friendship, happiness, excitement, etc. Boys are physical; girls are emotional. Of course this is a gross generalisation, but when you ask a boy “how are you feeling?” he will probably answer “hungry” or “cold” and not “deliriously happy because I’m with you”. This can be disappointing but it can’t really be helped, as expressing emotion comes as naturally to a boy as ballet does to an elephant.

If you are friends with a boy, bear in mind the following: boys worry a great deal about what other boys think of them. Therefore, even if a boy really likes you, he will be weird about showing this in front of other boys. If he is very immature, he may ignore you completely when he’s with his friends. This means that he is probably too much of a baby to bother with, although you may wish to give him a second chance if he apologises and promises never to do it again. If he is actively rude to you in front of his mates, forget about him. He is not just immature, he is an idiot.

Boys are often spoilt by their mothers so they have a tendency to think that girls should do all the boring things in life, like cleaning, cooking and ironing their favourite T-shirt, while they get to do all the exciting things, like jet-skiing, playing in rock bands and being spies. Don’t indulge this belief; the sooner they get reeducated the better.

Boys don’t always say what they mean and often they don’t mean what they say. Communication is not their strong point. They’re not terribly sensitive to other people’s moods, either, so if you are upset about something you will have to spell it out: it’s unlikely that he’ll work it out for himself, no matter how much sulking you do or moody hints you drop. Just tell him what’s bothering you and he’ll probably be genuinely surprised and sorry that he has upset you.

Although boys go to great pains to show the world a confident front, underneath they are as insecure as us. Sometimes, when it’s obvious that they are feeling sad (you will know this through your superior intuition), a bit of encouragement or a compliment can help them to feel better. One of the nicest things you can say to a boy is that he is good at something, eg, skateboarding, building a tree house, solving quadratic equations.

If you remember these few basic rules, boys can be among the best friends you’ll ever have. And they will carry your books for you, too.

SIMPLE FIRST RECIPES FOR POSTMODERN GIRLS

Hoummos

Serves 4

1 tin chickpeas
2 generous gloops olive oil
Handful parsley
1 clove garlic
Juice of half a lemon
Sea salt

Put all the ingredients in a blender and blitz for about 30 seconds. You want it to look rough and not over-processed. This is delicious with toasted pitta bread, or as a dip with tortilla chips.

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