To me, having grown up in a fractured family as more or less a nomad in South Africa, without a secure family home as a refuge, my own habitat is now everything. It’s so much more than four square walls and mere possessions.

It’s a sanctuary for me and the people I care about. It’s where I’d rather spend my time than in any glossy hotel. It’s where I like to think that my family and friends can find tranquillity, warmth and laughter, where I love to share food, wine and stories.

As the world becomes more complex, most of us increasingly need the comfort of home. The current spate of what one commentator called “decorexia” (an obsession with the house and its contents) is, I think, symptomatic of more than just competitive consumer spending; it is also an indication of our need for our own safe world.

But a home is not a static place. It is the canvas on which we paint our personalities. I love best the houses that are particular and truthful – honest expressions of their owners, who haven’t chosen things just to impress.

That doesn’t mean that some don’t have stunning pieces, but they are there because the owners truly love them, have perhaps discovered the designer/maker, then brought the pieces home in high excitement after a long journey, rather than merely plonked them down because they are trendy things to own.

The best houses take time if they are to be true expressions of who you are. Build them up, layer upon layer, as your life evolves.

Fundamentals

The thing I always remember about my mother, who never had much money but always looked a dream, was that she made the small and not very prepossessing flats in which she lived seem warm and welcoming because she filled them with books, music, flowers, fruit and chocolates. In some ways you don’t need a lot more than that. A certain level of order and tidiness helps (squalor isn’t restful), while a few touches of glamour add the magic. And remember: it’s a home, not a museum. It’s for living in, not for looking at. Have the things you love.

Touches of magic: Nothing spells death to an interior more than the small, the mean and the dinky. A touch of grandeur does wonders. Playing about with scale can add magic to any room. Chunky glasses, big mirrors, oversized platters and even fat poles for curtains with great big rings are all ways to ensure that a home never looks bland.

Tables can be given added theatre by using oversized hurricane lamps as candleholders – small and medium are conventional, but once you go large the change in atmosphere is dramatic. Chandeliers – not grand ones but little antique ones from France or Italy – lend enchantment. I have one over my own dining table and it gives me joy daily. If you can’t find things large enough on their own to be eye-catching, grouping them often works. One African mask can look silly but five look dramatic. Kelly Hoppen, the interior designer, once told me that she would buy huge glass vases from Habitat in threes or fives (odd numbers work better), group them asymmetrically and they would look divine. I bought three huge glass vases for very little, filled them with giant fake red amaryllis (£8 a stem from Debenhams), and put them on a landing table. They look terrific.

Often a room can be enlivened by changing the eye-level. If all the furniture is of a similar height the effect is monotonous, so lead the eye upwards by choosing a tall piece or putting up a high screen. And never forget candles: the dullest interior can be turned into a wonderland if there are enough candles.

Mix and match:There’s something very staid about having everything matching. Very boring, very last century. Mix a traditional table with funky chairs – Philippe Starck’s Ghost chair, or even his Mademoiselle chair (both done for Kartell), or the Tulip chairs that Eero Saarinen designed for Knoll. You can even mix the chairs themselves, if they are in roughly the same mood. And a varied collection of sofas and chairs is infinitely more interesting than matching sets. Usually, if a piece is attractive enough, it will blend with other things of equal quality. It’s good, too, to put the occasional antique in with the modern, or vice versa. China and tableware are much more fun mixed together than if they have that “wedding-present” look. I first saw the charm of this years ago in a shabby-chic English country house where the table was laid with a disparate collection of antique plates, silver and glass. It looked wonderful. Shortly after, I began to collect vintage blue-and-white plates. I bring them out when I want a table that looks not so much chic as pretty and inviting.

Bedrooms and bedding: There are two reasons why most of us get carried away by hotel bedrooms. First, the bedrooms are usually bigger than our own; and secondly, when we arrive we are greeted with a pristine space. There are no knickers over the chair, no piles of newspapers; the surfaces are clear, the linen clean and the atmosphere, even when the decor is dire, is tranquil. That’s the element that we should aim to reintroduce to our bedrooms. Clear the space. If possible, make a dressing room where clothes and jewellery can be stored.

Hotels have shown us, too, how much difference a large bed can make, something like 6ft wide being the minimum for a high-end hotel today. It may be expensive (and the linen doesn’t come cheap, either), but a large bed is an investment in marital happiness and good sleep that should – over a lifetime – pay for itself hands down.

Guest rooms: I feel strongly about these, having had both wonderfully comfortable experiences in friends’ houses and some of the roughest nights ever, when my hosts haven’t the faintest idea of what it is like to sleep in their spare room. First, sleep in the spare room yourself at least once. Is there good lighting? Are the curtains (or blind) thick enough? It is warm enough? Airy enough? And is the bed comfortable? If it isn’t, change it. Have an extra blanket and lots of pillows – nothing looks so welcoming as huge square pillows encased in crisp white antique pillowcases.

Linen: One of life’s little luxuries – that a lot of us can afford – is freshly laundered pure cotton sheets (I prefer them to linen). Threadcounts are of great importance to the linen fetishist and increasingly cited by hotels to lure in picky customers. But there’s no need to get hung up on them. Threadcounts refer to the number of strands in a square inch of sheeting. Generally, the higher the threadcount, the finer the sheets. But most experts agree that while the difference between a threadcount of 120 and 250 matters greatly, above 250 you’re just showing off.

Bathrooms I’m not going to talk here about the nitty-gritty of bathrooms: bath, basin or taps. Bathrooms can, and should, be glamorous, even in small spaces. They can be made seductive if you keep them tidy and add candles, good mirrors, divine soaps and oils. If you’re sharing the bathroom, try to have two basins – for busy people, it makes a difference. I wasn’t convinced about power showers until we got one. Now I am: I can be showered, hair washed and ready in seven minutes.

Lovely fluffy towels – at least two sizes (one a big bath size and a smaller face size) – are essential, and though they’re more expensive than cheaper versions, they are not that much more expensive.

Kitchens: You can spend almost £100,000 on a kitchen without even trying (check out the smart names such as Boffi, Bulthaup and Alternative Plans), but why would you? True, you get all sorts of fancy extras, but my kitchen comes largely from Ikea. Our builder bought the cabinets (as Ikea makes them in thousands, it delivers terrific quality at rock-bottom prices), then customised them to fit our space. We live in an early Victorian house and the ground floor is a big, open room – a dining area at the front and kitchen at the back – so the kitchen had to look good (it can be seen from the dining table) and in keeping with the character of the house. I wanted it to be calm, rather like a cool Victorian larder or pantry, and unflashy. We have built-in units on both walls and a large window at the back that overlooks lots of gardens. The only slightly luxurious touch is the cooker, which is large (four hobs and a central long hob for a fish kettle, plus two ovens). Otherwise, we have a standard fridge, a dishwasher and lots of storage space, as well as open shelves on which we can display dishes and china. Our builder added greyish marble working surfaces, early Victorian moulding to the cabinet doors and plain white china knobs. The kitchen is ten years old and if I were doing it today I’d go more for stainless steel and open shelving, but there’s something soothing about a kitchen that isn’t too trendy or edgy.

Flowers: For those who like rules, hang on to this one: if in doubt, never mix flowers. Just have masses of one thing – the more you can afford, the better. Were you to be so misguided as to put hyacinths with roses, or tulips with daffodils, or, worse, tulips with orchids . . . oh, I can feel the shudders now. You can – just to complicate the matter – combine certain flowers, but experts such as Nikki Tibbles, of Notting Hill’s Wild at Heart, say you should then stick with a one or two-colour palette – for example, whites and lime greens and creams; or pinks and reds; or lilacs and blues.

Scented candles: I love them when they’re wonderful, but when they’re bad, they’re horrid. I’m picky and like only the best and most expensive, because I’d rather the house smelt of fresh coffee, fresh flowers and soap than cheaply scented candles. I don’t like them sweet and floral, either. I like them spicy, rich, mysterious. I learnt from Jo Malone that you can create something new by burning two at once: amber and lavender smell divine together.

Quick ways to update your home

1.Change your china. It doesn’t cost a fortune and can alter the look. Throw out (or, better still, store) the plain white. Bring in colour and modern shapes, and mix with antiques.

2.A few well-chosen, quirky accessories can update the look – a floppy resin vase-cum-sculpture by Gaetano Pesce, some unusual glass by, say, Massimo Micheluzzi, or a huge elliptical vase from Lino Sabattini. Think of it as adding Jimmy Choo shoes to a Topshop dress.

3. Change the cushions – beaded, embroidered, with buttons or pleats – in colours that alter the room.

4.Change the look at the window. If you have blinds, consider adding some floaty sheers as well. If you have thick-lined curtains, swap them for something lighter and fresher.

5. Art is what the City-bonus set seem to spend their money on. So can you. You don’t have to buy the big names in the posh galleries. Scour the annual student shows at art colleges, or go to user-friendly art markets. Blow up a large photograph or get The Bigger Picture (020-7636 9000 – mybiggerpicture.com), or 55 Max (020-7625 3774 – 55max.com) to give you a blown-up image of your choice to fill a whole wall.

6. Change the floor. Pull up a fitted carpet and sand and paint the floor-boards, or swap a dowdy rug for something more modern.

7.Changing the walls isn’t expensive – you can slap wallpaper (back in vogue) over existing paint, or repaint. Paper on one wall is very “now”.

8. It’s amazing what one wonderful light can do – a charming chandelier, say, or Ferruccio Laviani’s Bourgie lamp, or an old photographer’s or dentist’s light.

9.You can refresh the look of a chair or sofa with a throw or blanket – using, say, an all-white bedcover on a sofa if you’re tired of its colour.

Entertaining

I’ve always loved best the sort of party where you eventually sit down – where there are, perhaps, drinks first and then a proper placement so you get to meet your neighbours properly. I love small dinner parties and anything where there is a possibility of genuine exchange. I also adore the sort of parties that people are more prone to give at Christmas when all the generations are mixed up. I’m not particularly adventurous as our house, being long and thin without one room large enough for more than about 25 people, doesn’t lend itself to parties, but I’ve been to enough to know what works for the guests.

Seating plans matter hugely. It’s an act of generosity and essential to a good party to try to match people who might like each other, fall in love or have a rattling good conversation. Husbands and wives, or other couples, should not be seated next to each other – they can do that at home. Don’t put best friends together: they see each other all the time, too. Whom to put next to the host is tricky. I think it displays better manners to look after those who might know fewest people, or who have come farthest. I was touched to be put on the right hand of our host at a very grand summer lunch party when there were many more important people there. He realised that my husband and I were less likely than most to know many people and he did it (I assume) to make sure we were properly looked after.

— Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me by Lucia van der Post is published on November 1 by John Murray for £16.99. It is available for £15.29 from Times BooksFirst (p&p incl), 0870 1608080

A few things I wish I’d known long ago . . .

— How wonderful it was to be 20, 30, 40 . . .

— You can’t please all the people all the time.

— Don’t be too afraid of making an enemy – sometimes courage and honesty require it.

— Never take offence – only small people take offence.

— If it doesn’t fit in the shop, it’s not going to fit when you get it home.

— The things you worry about are almost never the things that happen.

— It’s better to clean and tidy less and read more.

— Never go out with a man who doesn’t make you laugh.

— You can’t change most people. Don’t expect them to give what they are unable to give.

— Don’t do anything grudgingly. If you’re going to do it, however much you hate it, you may as well do it well.

— Never be mean with tips. It always leaves you feeling lousy.

— You can’t have too many sexy shoes.

— Sexiness is nothing to do with being size 8 or looking like Sienna Miller.

— It’s never worth saving things for best. Use the things you love every day.

— It’s always worth reading – and learning – poetry.

— A great haircut is worth any number of new dresses.

— Never buy anything because “it’s bound to come in useful”.

— Never buy anything that you don’t love or that isn’t absolutely right.

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