Iconic Films

2 for 1 tickets to Singin' In The Rain, this coming Monday. Book now

Navigation - link to other main sections from here

From The Sunday Times

November 4, 2007

Why can’t the English be more like the French?

With the high-speed link to London about to open at last, Hortense de Monplaisir warns her fellow Parisians of the horreurs anglais that await them

It seems like only yesterday that Pierre-Marie, my husband, delivered the bombshell. Hortense, he said, I have some good news. I have been offered a promotion which I am not about to refuse. He smiled at me nervously. There is a petite complication, he said. The job is in London.

Three months later, I found myself mistress of a chérissime doll’s house off Fulham Road, barely large enough to contain my wardrobe. When the removal van had left, my husband said: “Let us go for dinner.”

There is a famous crêperie on the King’s Road. (We love crêpes, as we have kept in touch with simple pleasures.) As lumpen doughy pancakes were brought to the table with a pitiful garnish of anaemic lettuce and flavourless tomatoes, I wept. I gazed out at the rain and said: “I cannot do this.” My husband held my hand and looked quite wretched.

Ten years on, however, I have become so entirely bi-culturelle that I understand the English better than they do themselves. I will show you how it is to live in the land where the men don’t look at you. Where they never say what they think and laugh like hyenas at things that aren’t funny.

LET me walk you through my house in west London, and point out to you the peculiar features of the English home, of which they seem so inappropriately proud.

Like most London houses, mine stands indistinguishable from the others in a joined-up line or “terrace”, hastily thrown up in the Victorian age. Up three steps to the front door, and you will notice a small potted bay tree chained to the railings (even in smart parts of town you cannot leave anything to chance, and every house is disfigured by a burglar alarm box).

Through the front door, and you will be overcome by claustrophobia in the mean and narrow hall. Push open the door to the salon, where you might just have room, to borrow an English expression, to swing a cat. This is what they call a “double reception room”: a shrunken version of our own double-living, a peculiar corridor of a room with a window at each end.

These sash windows slide up and down and never fit properly, causing tremendous draughts that make it impossible to heat the room. They are also filthy, as they can only be reached for cleaning from the outside by a ladder.

Follow me down the stairs, which you might think will lead to the cellar. Think again! Here is where the English live, like rats underground, hiding from the light, gazing up through prison bars on their grimy windows, to watch the legs of passers-by.

No expense has been spared in creating a luxury kitchen-dining room, but why would you choose to live like troglodytes? Needless to say, it is also the coldest room in the house: perfect perhaps for its original purpose of storing coal and wine, and for servants stoking the ovens, but not for middle-class professionals hoping to enjoy gracious dinners.

This desire to live in the basement is part of the English nostalgia disease. Trapped in a sentimental fantasy of life below stairs, they pretend to be Victorian servants, and name their children accordingly.

Two frightening pieces of information you should know about London: you are never more than three metres away from a rat, and the rubbish is only collected once or twice a week! Even more frightening, perhaps, is the English failure to keep their homes clean. My friend in marketing tells me that Englishwomen are recognised as the sluts of Europe, with no feeling for housework, and this has certainly been my experience. Grubby, untidy rooms speak of no passion for order.

I confess it is a long time since I did my own housework, but it is a question of knowing what is required and being firm with the servants, which seems to be quite beyond Englishwomen. They ingratiate themselves with the maid, rushing around to clean up before they come, then apologising for the state of the house. This is a shame as cleaners become spoilt, making it harder for us Frenchwomen to demand the level of service we are used to.

SOME Frenchwomen find it liberating to live in a country where nobody cares what they are wearing, but personally I find it depressing. When you walk down a street in England, you might just as well be dressed like a fright, because nobody is going to look at you.

This upset me at first. Had I lost my charms? I tried again in the company of a beautiful actress: same result. No eye contact, no simmering acknowledgment, no seduction. Eyes down, walk past, don’t even go there.

My personal view of why the English don’t dress well is that it’s a Protestant thing. Vanity is despised. Appearances don’t matter. Keep your eyes and your hands to yourself.

I don’t want to be unfair. Many British women are great beauties. Charlotte Rampling, Kristin Scott Thomas and Jane Birkin, for instance, although of course they live in France. But there may be a grain of truth in the old French joke: what do you call a beautiful woman in London? Answer: a tourist.

Big faces, pear-shaped torsos with heavy low-slung bosoms . . . one could be cruel about the English physique. But to my practised eye there is nothing wrong with the raw material; it’s just that they don’t know how to showcase their charms.

The British press takes great pleasure in women failing to look good. Whole pages are devoted to photographs of celebrities getting it wrong: heavy bosoms falling out of cocktail dresses, pixie boots, helmet hair, ill-judged accessories. In France we could never run such pages, even if we wanted to. Why? Because you could never find women in the the public eye looking embarrassing.

Remember that shot of Ségolène Royale in her bikini? A political leader in her fifties with the body of a 25-year-old. It made me so proud to be French.

Can I suggest three visual snap-shots, to compare French and English allure? Catherine Deneuve v Judi Dench; Ségolène Royale v Margaret Beckett; Arielle Dombasle v Jade Goody.

I think I’ve made my point? When in Paris, I always buy a little something at Fifi Chachnil on the rue St Honoré. But most Englishwomen buy their lingerie in Marks & Spencer, as it can be scooped into a wire basket along with the ready meals.

The single bestselling bra in England is made by Triumph and called Doreen. It comes in sizes up to 60DD, which is off the scale for conversion to French, and is endorsed by one grateful customer as follows: “When I drove over speed bumps, I knew I had the right bra. Usually I bounce all over the place.”

Bee, my next-door neighbour – her real name is Beatrice, “but call me Bee”, she said when we met for the first time, in that way the English have of forcing nicknames upon total strangers – thinks it’s not worth spending money on underwear, as nobody sees it. I assume she means Hereward, her husband, when she says nobody.

It is well known that Englishmen are no good at sex. They go at it in a medieval fashion, blind drunk, ignorant and with no respect for la séduction.

To attract male attention, Englishwomen have to go out “on the pull” dressed like tarts. When the English do “score” (sporting vocabulary is de rigueur for sex), the rules are clear. In no way must the sex ever be discussed, although it might be conceded that last night was “a laugh”. Altogether, it is a mystery how they ever procreate.

Instead of a sex life, the British have their newspapers. What they really love is scandal: catching people out, punishing them for daring to have sex. This is completely in keeping with the puritan tradition.

Picture the English couple in bed on Sunday morning. I am speaking here of Bee and Hereward, but it could be any English couple. They have got the weekly sex over, thank goodness. They may even have taken off their Marks & Spencer pyjamas. They’ll have had their little joke: “Well, that’s got that out of the way for another month.”

Then Hereward will go down to the dungeon kitchen to make a pot of tea. On the way up, he’ll pick up the papers that have been thrust through the letter box (newspaper delivery is the only service better here than in France), and with a sigh of true happiness, they will both sink back with a cup of tea and begin the “muck raking” that is so very much more enjoyable than their own lacklustre lovemaking.

THE best shortcut to the English Look can be found in the “jolly hockey sticks” Boden mail-order catalogue. Large pale Englishmen are photographed in the country, cavorting with “good sport” girlfriends, with captions that assume the reader has no knowledge or feeling for clothes. He favours large beige trousers to house thighs like tree trunks, while she downs a pint of bitter in a lurid floral cardigan and a camisole “cut to conceal, not to reveal”.

Bee has unkind and unjustified things to say about Pierre-Marie’s dress sense. When we invited her round for an informal summer barbecue, she made much of his primrose cashmere sweater thrown around his shoulders, and his pointed shoes that she found “dodgy”.

If she could think of a more appropriate way to dress for a changeable British summer evening, I would be pleased to hear it. Nor did I see that a sensitivity to colour and fine Italian leather is in any way a sign of homosexuality, which was her theme later in the evening. It was un peu exaggéré, I thought, coming from the wife of an Englishman.

I am a tireless champion for human rights, so one of the things I adore about England is the tolerance accorded to minorities. I unreservedly applaud the high profile enjoyed by homosexuals, making London the gay capital of Europe.

Gay pride has come roaring into the heart of the Establishment to network with a vengeance. I sometimes wonder if the English become gay just to enjoy the fabulous social life. It’s like a modern version of the gentlemen’s club: women not admitted (or at least, not noticed), vodka cocktails and salmon blinis instead of port and suet pudding. Plus ça change . . .

Bee, after a few drinks, once asked me what the difference was between an English and a French homosexual. “The French homosexual is mar-ried!” she shrieked, slopping her gin down the front of her dress.

She then recounted how her gay friend (all Englishwomen are intimate with homosexual men) regularly went to Paris in summer to pick up pères de famille in the Tuileries gardens while their wives were on the Ile de Ré with the children.

I wasn’t sure if she was trying to cast doubt on my own husband. He always used to stay in Paris in July and join us for weekends. But then so did all my friends’ husbands; in fact they often had dinner together, on a warm terrasse, a rare chance for mec en mec conversation, before strolling back to their deserted apartments . . . But I must hasten to reassure you that there is nothing lacking in our vie intime. And anyway, Pierre-Marie didn’t go to boarding school.

I ONCE asked an English friend why the English were so horrid about the French. Was it because they were jealous? Oh no, he said, we don’t do jealousy. It’s more . . . pity.

Oh really, I said. Is that why you all want to come to live in our country, because you feel sorry for us? Now, I am no psychologist, but it is evident to me the antiFrench nonsense that fills the British press is nothing more than envy. They envy us our culture, our food, our small bottoms and our ability to say non to anything that threatens these, be it immigrants, globalisation or the importing of nasty British meat.

This envy is so strong that one in five of them wishes they were French, according to a 2006 survey indignantly reported across the press. I see it in their eyes when they talk to me, admiring the inimitable twist of my silk scarf. I see it in the crates of wine and oozing cheese they carry back home to tide them over until their next mini-break. I feel their pain, the cri de coeur that reaches out to me and shouts: “If only I were French! Au fait with phi-losophy! Insouciant! Engaged in a Jules et Jim style ménage à trois!”

Switch on the television and you’ll see they can’t get enough of us. Documentaries show Londoners happily fleeing their homeland to hide away in some godforsaken corner of la France profonde. Can you imagine a Parisian family abandoning their apartment to begin a new life in a cottage in Wales?

As a French person in England, you must embrace the flattery of this attention and take the insults for what they are: cries for help. Hopelessly in thrall to our superiority, they lash out like inarticulate children.

Having no talent for sex (or food), the English make a virtue of their deficiencies. What they really enjoy is going without. Rather than leave the office for a delicious lunch, they will pull out a Tupper-ware box of sandwiches. Instead of a soirée sensuelle, candlelit dinner followed by a night of love, they’ll go to the country to strip wallpaper, walk in the rain and sleep in a freezing cold bed.

Many examples of English puritanism are “green” – which is penny-pinching envy dressed up as moral righteousness. The English are delighted with their latest form of self-denial: carbon footprint counting. To compensate for all those fly-drive mini-breaks, they install low-wattage light bulbs, take tepid showers and build wormeries to recycle their teabags, all performed in a bean-counting, mercenary way.

When we cycle in France we do it properly, as a weekend sport, wearing bright Lycra clothing on multi-geared mountain bikes. The English cycle because they are cheap and because they like to arrive at dinner and make a great show of pulling off their helmets and luminous green bands to show what great citizens they are. And everyone is supposed to admire them for being too mean to dress properly and pay for a taxi.

In France we like food that tastes good. English puritans don’t care what it tastes like as long as it has a label showing it’s from the right place. This is called “sourcing”. The ideal label is “organic” (much overrated, as we know), and from a farmer whose name and address they can drop to their guests. They love shops like Planet Organic which make a great fuss about overpriced cheese and produce that is only what you’d find in the most basic French market.

The English are at their happiest when making do, and love eating left-overs. Where we would throw last night’s supper in the poubelle, the English will have it for lunch, which makes them feel virtuous for saving money. It is also an excuse for gluttony. “Shame to let it go to waste,” they say, as if they are doing everyone a favour by hoovering up the cold remains of a treacle pudding.

This makes them feel less guilty about their work-and-money cult. In France we have a civilised approach to work. It is part of life, not the point of it. Not so in money-loving England, where it is an obsession. What do you do? Business going well? Did you get a good bonus? These are all acceptable openings when conversing with strangers. Such terrible manners!

It’s enough to send you rushing back to France, and to hell with that 50% tax rate, just for the sake of a little discretion.

Every day there is a story on house prices, to make those of us who rent our homes feel like beggars at the feast. The English are obsessed by home ownership, and cannot walk past an estate agent’s window without checking to see what they might afford and salivating at what they cannot.

In France, we are wary of the marchands de biens, dealers who buy and sell houses for profit, but in England everyone is a marchand de bien. The property ladder is the very essence of Englishness: a fusion of greedy profiteering and stay-at-home cosiness.

Yet at the same time the English like to live as far as possible from their place of work, particularly once they have children. This gives the wife an excuse to give up work – “My salary wouldn’t even cover the train fares” – and the husband the chance to play the martyr by leaving home, wheyfaced, at 5am and returning to find his wife in bed, where she has been all day on account of her depression. (And who wouldn’t be depressed, so far from the city?)

There are terrible costs to all the money slushing around. In France, we know that happiness is found in daily pleasures. Buying mushrooms from the market, the moment of the apéritif, the contemplation of a well dressed woman. Accessible pleasures, open to all. In England, this has been lost beneath a miasma of nagging discontent. I should be getting more. I wish I was her. I must have that. Get me to the shops. Book me a mini-break.

The work-and-money cult has created a new “must have” that the English call “me time”. This narcissistic term refers to activities I engage in without a second thought: the spa, a lie down with a book, a solitary stroll in the park. For the French, all time is “me time”; we don’t need to give it a silly name.

© Sarah Long 2007

Extracted from Le Dossier: How to Survive the English, published by John Murray at £12.99. Copies can be purchased for £11.69 including postage from The Sunday Times BooksFirst on 0870 165 8585

Thoroughly French Hortense

About the author: Hortense de Monplaisir is from a very old French family who did not need to buy their particule. After studying at Sciences Po, one of the grandes écoles, or top universities, she married a grosse légume in banking and has made a career embellishing his grey world with her vivacious conversation and colourful table displays.

Thanks to her expatriation, her children are bilingual and au fait with binge drinking culture, while preferring to sip Orangina and dance le rock taught by a maître danseur from Paris. She and her husband live in London, but have homes in Paris’s Left Bank and in the Luberon, as well as one-tenth of the family manoir in Brittany.

An incisive observer of the English, she remains French through and through. Her interests include le scrapbooking, painting on porcelain and organising holidays in Verbier, St Barts and the Ile de Ré.

She has an exceptional IQ and is a member of French Mensa.

About the translator: Sarah Long is the author of two novels, And What Do You Do? and The Next Best Thing. She lived for 10 years in Paris, where she met Hortense at a wine-tasting, leading to a lifelong friendship of such intensity that she paraphrases Flaubert in claiming: “Madame de Monplaisir, c’est moi!”

Sarah Long's joke cuts both ways. There are certainly dowdy aspects of British culture, and the British have the reputation of being parsimonious and cunning, but the shallow arrogance and racism (ask any brown person in France) of the French galls (no pun intended) everyone. Appearance is everything; they would dress up and perfume stink and corruption and then pass it off.

Bob, Philadelpha, USA

What a delicious book!!! Sarah speaks not only for the French in London but for all Continentals like myself. Almost every subject she touches I have commented about previously during my thirteen years of living in Britain. Married to a Britain and loughing out loudly at times I just had to read certain paragraphs to my husband. Of course he was offended. Most typical for me is the fact one never speaks his or her mind. I do all the time and am branded as a washerwoman. Sad.

Gabriele Neilson, Gourock, Scotland

Sarah was so right. So what? As an infant it soon dawned on me that we are all in a play from the outset. We just act at being English, French or American. However if we are lucky enough to be aware of it, then we probably had an upbringing to be proud of. Some people would like to 'blend' incognito into a new theatre, and all the prompters be spirited away. They were probably the ones who didn't have such a great upbringing. I've lived in several european countries, picked up hopefully more than just the languages. What do you do with the first little pang of culture shock? Write disgusted to the Times, look for a cop, find a compatriate bar, buy a ticket right out of there? Or simply tell yourself ; those kids over there, they're already picking up the rules of play, they'll soon be word perfect! But Sarah, who I agree, surely is typing in her impressions with ze tong in ze cheeek, is old enough not to have to play act, go through the rigmorol. Bien jouÃ©!

kelly, angouleme, france

This is so true....and I'm British. Never have I been so ashamed to be a young English Guy living in this pitiful excuse for a country. I'm a historian and feel proud of my history but not proud of what we as a nation have turned into...money obsessed, rude, arragant and ignorant. Sadly alot of young women in this country are a disgrace. They are not a patch on the cultured, sensual and thoughtful continental women, or even those of Scandinavia and Eastern Europe. I speak from personal experience. Most English girls I've known are solemn,, rude, unsatisfied, heavy drinking and obsessed with arragant similarly heavy drinking men. Go to France and you will see women have manners and self-pride (without the arragance and bitchiness). Walk along the streets of Paris and smile at a woman, you will get a radiant smile back. Do that here you get a rude remark or a stern, confused look. Stop and talk to a passer buy, they will talk. In London no-one has time to even aknowledge your presense.

Robin, Douglas IOM, Isle of Man

To ghostoflectricity: You're not alone. A lot of us are ashamed that you have American citizenship.

Marina: You live in Oakland. "Self-loathing Puritanism" is the least of your problems.

Neal: Keep up your insurance salesman license. Confusing the noun "past" for the verb "passed" assures your remaining a very junior faculty member with low pay."

The comments from Americans strengthen the stereotype of Americans as weak-minded suck-ups to all things European..and yes England, you are now part of Eurabia...Gordy will not permit a referendum on his signing off your sovereignty .

Happy New Year. Bonne Annee.

Houlton Lee, Cape Fear, North Carolina, USA

That article makes me want to join the army in the vein hope that we will one day invade France.

Matt, London,

There is only one thing which will ever bring the French and English together - a hatred of American culture.

Nicky, Southampton, uk

brilliant article, got it right on the noise, well done!!
being a very english girl who has lived and studied in paris i have come to understand the parisians, a little. we fight as we are both very proud nations, who on too many occasions have missed the joke!!!
but french men are interesting if your used to the retiring english man who is only a sex pest after the 4th pint, I did find the staring rather unnerving!

bee , london, uk

I loved this article - really enjoyable! I look forward to reading some more - the characterisations were brilliant!!

Louise, perth, australia

Well, as a brazilian I am supposed to be impartial. That article came as a shock to me, though I could help but laugh!!!! All I know is that without the britishwomen way of living, the world would not have seen such books as Mrs Dalloway, Orlando, Wuthering Heights, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice... Frenchwomen, you must be ashamed (the world is not an open runway, there is more to be seen...)

SÃvia Lorena, Salvador, Brazil

well, that might be the very reason why i love so much London..
my french competitive advantage! i look at women,love looking at them and they love it! they are not as arrogant and pain in the ass as french women !
and about all the rest, i never been as happy as in the UK.. that's the place to be, the place where people are living, where everything is intense and not taken as granted!
look at paris, just a beautiful open air museum where everybody are complaining or go on strike!

sam, paris,

The majority of this article had me thinking like this: you arrogant, uppitty, racist, prejudiced, annoying, french, disgusting, rude, lying woman- this article has every reason why i hate the French(not true i was just getting really annoyed) and i hope an englishman throws something at you. Oh and also a lot of stuff about various sporting defeats and wars etc.
On finishing this article: aah, very funny, witty. Amusing woman Sarah Long, quality bit of writing. Funny hearing all the comments.

Rory, London,

Lazare, Sofia, Bulgaria

I am an Amwrecan and have never been to Englamd. I always thought of the English as being proper with the exception of the populace that spoke Cockney lower middle class. I thought that they dressed properly but not plainly. I am appalled at this, I just told my husband that my dreams of visiting on holiday to England have changed radically./ Those poor people that think they still have to live unnder groung to stay alive an feel comfort that they do, I only fell pitty for. Knock down and build some beautiful town houses with closets large enough for both husband and wife and maybe they might keep their homes clean and kill the rats. As for the garbage they pick up twice a week here , but special containers are provided to keep the vermin out. I live in Miami Fla and large bugs are a problem but there are organic compounds that we use and in 12 years we have has only have seen three and they were dieing. Interduce plaster to the English and lace it withpeanut butter no rodents .

Beverly Bonne, Miami, USA/Florida

i couldn't agree more with john from moscow
satire works because it combines stereotypes with humour and wit
this is not clever or even funny just a rant... i cannot imagine a whole book of this!

claire, london,

"The English don't know how to keep their homes clean. Well, whilst the English (British) were busy fighting a war with our women in the factories and ploughing the fields, the French were cleaning their homes and on the streets waving the Germans through Paris."

The English had the luxury of having the channel, (just like the americans had the luxury of having an ocean). The french were unfortunate enough to have them as next door neighbors. The arrogance of the english never ceases to amaze.
This article is obviously a spoof, but the saddest part is that it also shows the hatred and insecurity the english have in regards to the french. Honestly, with all the anti-french garbage their papers put out, I don't why anyone who is french would even want to to live there.

Richard, NY, USA

What a brilliantly funny piece of satire. A hilarious extract that's just as critical of both cultural stereotypes and refreshingly disrespectful of everyone.
And to anyone taking it seriously, do read it again. :-)

Anna, Oxford, UK,

A wickedly funny spoof from Sarah Long. All nationalities need a poke in the ribs sometimes - to see ourselves as others see us - but with humour too. You can buy lots of spoof books like this now, even about the Swiss. They helped me, as an expatriate, to understand the locals :-)

Lynne, Geneva, Switzerland

Just a comment on the debate on the correctness or incorrectness of the term "grosse lÃ©gume" used to describe Ms de Longplaisir's big shot husband -- although "lÃ©gume" is a masculine noun, in the expression "grosse lÃ©gume" (and only in this expression) it becomes feminine.

polly, Hong Kong,

One in the eye for the English I would say! Having had previous experience of French tourists and "would be" expats I can see that nothing but trouble could follow from such a prolonged experience of our Dark Age culture.

Harold Godwinson, Wessex, England

How do you make a French woman moan?

Send her to live in London for 10 years.

Andy, Paris,

What do you get when you mix successive generations of French and English descendants together into one country?

Poutine

Who says you can't have your curds and eat them too?

Vive la Canada!

Michelle, New Brunswick, Canada

Fantastic! What delicious fools so many of the readers above made of themselves. It's a great bit of satire. Some of the points in it are quite close to home but if they really had been made in a serious way would the correct response have been to descend into the same kind of adolescent name calling? Would it not have been better to rise above?
Just for the record my beautiful wife is French. Neither she nor any of her relatives stink of garlic. She is no more hairy than my female English relatives. All of our respective relatives are very clean. All of them work very hard. Every time I have been to France over many years it is the similarities that strike me, much more than the differences.
The joke, most of the letter writers below, is firmly on you! Why not learn this lesson, have a word with yourself and take this opportunity to grow up?

Peter Beaumont, Skipton, UK

Then why do you all come here ?

jason, London,

"The English do not live far from work, they work far from home. After all, without the delights of English women and cooking waiting at the hearth, how could they have staffed a world-conquering navy?". All I can say is that maybe the woman, but probably mostly the cooking, is the main reason they staffed the navy, just to get away from it.

As a German, having lived in France for 3 years and in the UK for 8, all the points cited by Mme de Monplaisir were the main reason I had to leave the UK. I have vowed never to live there again as the life style is uncivilized, the houses are antiquated rabbit hutches (even the new ones being built), the attitude towards families atrocious, and the indigenous food was vile. Best not mention health and education. Sometimes I wish I had left my English husband behind as well.

Lux, Steinsel,

Thank you Sarah Long for your lovely contribution to cross-Channel understanding and tolerance - really constructive!

Smokey, Bourne End, Bucks

This articule is not for the parisian point of view, I am totally agree of her point of view with all my respect and not offense the articule is bright and reflect the biritish culture.
I live in both countrys and is true.I used to live in 3 diferents countries in South america to.(better people,kind and well manners)
They transfer me from US to London like expatriate and rent for me a cottage in a village 10 miles outside London private school for my daugther, looks great? No sorry is a pitty to say how low is the quality life in England, I am single woman and for some time I feel depressed because nobody look at me I totally identified whit this writer, is my personall experience I observe and is totally true.I now now why all Brit want to move abroad not just for the weather.
No Offense
Sarah White
London- Herts
by the way I am a Word citizen-means I used to lve in US. South america and Europe

sarah white, london, uk

France has the worst, the most disgusting public (and many private) toilets that I have ever seen in my life.

Some French women are glamorous, many are untidy, reeking of garlic and BO, with armpit hair to their waist and leg hair to their ankles.

I was staying in a cottage in France and popped into the main house. Just inside the kitchen door was a table with a large fresh loaf in the shape of a woven basket. With a fat tabby-cat fast asleep on the warm bread. It appeared to be its favourite place.

If France and the French people are so superior, what is the silly woman doing, living in a kennel on the Fulham Road?

Laura Alton, Devon, UK

as an american living in america, i do not understand the what all the fuss is about. it seems that the only way to solve this british-french debate is to move it to america, we can spend the morning shopping at walmart for new sweat pants, stop at mcdonald's for some american cusine then have it out on the fifty yard line at the super dome.

Donald, Fargo, United States of America

As an outsider to both Paris and London and having lived in both for 25 years, let me succinctly put it this way:
The quality of life for the AVERAGE Parisian ( in fact western European ) is much better than the quality of life for the average Londoner/Brit. That is, in access to culture, good affordable food, housing, healthcare, etc., etc.
Robert

Robert Miller, london, England

ChÃ¨re Mme de Monplaisir,
you have, blinded by Gallic arrogance, given a completely backwards analysis. You criticize the very strengths of this once great nation!
The English do not live far from work, they work far from home. After all, without the delights of English women and cooking waiting at the hearth, how could they have staffed a world-conquering navy?

C. Mark, Oxford,

Too true! Well observed.
Mandy Plymouth Devon

Mandy, Plymouth, England

Having upset the odd person myself at dinner parties how I would love to have been at her dinner party watching her wind up Hereward and Bee. If this is a satire Iâ€™m bitterly disappointed. Like a child reading about Father Christmas how I want Hortense to be real.

Sheâ€™s right about our expensive slum housing but the reality is Brits are well set to buy up Paris from under French noses and turn elegant large apartments into slummy little flats. Hortense is right to warn her countrymen but thereâ€™s not much they can do about it except accept their fate and go with the flow, no Maginot line can stop whatâ€™s heading their way from Britain.

On the other hand we Brits have learnt a bit from the French, we have cafe culture too now, thanks to Americans, so who knows? If youâ€™re really lucky we may even get civilized, but I wouldnâ€™t hold your breath Hortense.

Colin O'Donoghue is the author of The Dragon Code
Official release date: 1st December 2007
http://www.dragoncode.co.uk

Colin O'Donoghue, London, UK

I thought this was the funniest article I have read in ages. I was quite hysterical. It was brilliantly written - wicked. I would have liked to ask the author if there was one thing she liked or admired about the English?

Betsy Winer, Tel Aviv, Israel

The late Pierre Daninos had us in stiches in the 1950's with his Major Thompson, a very respectable English gent observing the French. Why can't a funny Englishwoman posing as a Frenchwoman observe her own? Of course it is exagerated, but is it not the point ?

Alain, MontrÃ©al,

extra extra read all about it, Albion is still perfide.
why can't Sarah Long own her own feedback on her fellow countrymen and has to dump it on the unsuspected Chanel clad shoulders of poor Hortense?in a truly French manner , let us boycott that book; a little "greve" could be nice as well !
loved the green bra comment, keep them rolling; at least some people have got a good sense of humour; unlike some others.......;

ZEZETTE from frog's valley, LONDON,

I think we'll find Sarah Long has a book coming out on this subject very soon.

Celia Campbell, London,

I didn't finish the article, I'm not sure it's a joke. Either way, I had to laugh. Every bad stereotype out of England turned up full blast and every bad stereotype out of France turned up full blast. I think the volume of this article could have cracked my windows.
As an expat with dual citizenship, I'm still proud to call myself English (worse still a Londoner no less). I suppose I'm content to drag my frumpy self around my new home to drag down another country to our level. If you give me some time for middle age to catch up, I'll make sure to put on the weight to fulfill more stereotypes.

Expat Londoner, Toronto, Canada

1) Hortense de Monplaisir doesn't exist.
2) This article was written by Sarah Long, an English humorist.
3) It is a joke.

Ed Lake, London,

Madame Hortense has evidently been consuming too much fromage. It is damaging her capacity for rational thought.

nick jones, london , uk

You don't like it.?????????????? LEAVE!!! they think the english complain a lot I only read half this article as I was sick of her moaning and complaining about the place, ON your bike luv!!

Peter Simmons, London, England

This women with the made up name, either has to be joking, or she is a shining example of why the British or anybody else, are not jealous of French women such as herself, just pity them, If she is not joking she is a very rare breed of the "Crocodile" (usually to be found lurking alone in the 6th or 7th arrondisments) too skinny, of a certain age, shallow, over made up and sporting a hermes scarfe, utterly cold and calculating, always whinging and with a complete sense of humour by-pass. She has shot the Fench in the foot!

Elaine Tweedy, Mauvezin, France

I have just read Kim Catrall's timesonline's interview who I did not know she was british, she is yet another famous stylish lady that puts Ms Monplaisir to shame and Arielle Donsballe to covent.

cdl, Brussel, Belgium

I long to hear her scathing review of us in America! I think we're even more materialistic and work obsessed than the Brits, and lack their sophistication and mental rigor.

Oh dear.

Laura, Boston, USA

I'm American (Southern American at that) and found this article very entertaining. What is even more entertaining is reading all the responses from those who actually take it seriously.

One of the true joys of reading this was seeing someone else take it on the chin for once.

Still, given the choice, I'd pick London over Paris any day. The Brits are a load of fun and from my experience NOT, as this article seems to promote, bad lovers. At least the gay ones.

W. Heape, Atlanta, Ga, USA

From far away in the colonies (South Africa), where we have our own backwash from the days of the British Empire to contend with, tthis seems to be an utterly delicious piece of satire.

Colin Bower, Cape Town, South Africa

Sadly it does sounds very English. A real Hortense would have been more subtle and probably... more anglophile! We love London and the British, that's why so many of us come and stay here. Vive la difference, as they say?

Constance, london,

Looking at these comments, it seems as though there are a few daily mail readers with us.

adam, New York (Huddersfield),

"If you prick us do we not bleed?" asked Shylock. Judging from the responses to this piece, it seems that if you prick the ego of a Sunday Times reader, he or she is liable to spurt out a very gratifying gob of prejudices. The appeal of generating a reflexive response rather than a reflective one is clearly not to be underestimated, especially among those who lurk in this paper's forums. Thus do the ST's armchair travellers seek to broaden their behinds.

Shakespeareâ€™s character went on to ask, â€œIf you tickle us do we not laugh?â€ In the case of the readers here, apparently not so much. But this only adds to the fun of the feather, especially when it is wielded by as deft a tease as â€œHortense de Monplaisirâ€. I canâ€™t wait to read the rest of her book.

Erik Kowal, KS, USA (ex-UK)

How funny and so ture! If you only look at french woman to english woman, she's right say no more thank you for a great read.

oliver , quorn, loughborough,

I empathise with the comments Hortense made about the lack of comments and contact when one meets an attractive lady. I used to take great pleasure in complementing a female companion on her appearance, when she had so obviously taken time and trouble with her appearance.

Now..I daren't say a word of any sort to any female, of any age. In our enlightened, more politically correct Anglo culture any such pleasantries are held to be demeaning and inappropriate. How depressing.....

Ian, Melbourne,

what a closed minded view?has this woman ever lived or been anywhere apart from La France and then London?i'd doubt it very much . a typically french view with no patience or understanding of different ways or cultures of other races . a biggotted pompous view which for a supposed intelectual is pretty naive and very narrow. reading her narative did nothing but anger me . yes the english have flaws...but we all do and to actually spend the time to address the flaws of the english? well we know this woman has a dull life with her porcelain painting and scrapbooking and is busy arranging,holidays in Verbier ( aren't we all?!) but why drag us into her old ways and opinions? my grandmother has a p.c. ! she doesn't even spend time crocheting! i work with many French people and this article was sent to me by a very cool french guy who entitled the email '' go home then '' which to me is perfect advise....go home love , back to your frogs legs and snails and bad breath (who's doing it now?!)

dean pearlman, london, uk

Ah non! After our wine, food and cafÃ© culture, is our very own sense of humour to be shamelessly subjected to plagiarism too?

And as for the English humour detected in the comments following the article... Sorry guys, it makes up for the rugby, the Olympics and all the never-ending reminders of military defeats a 100 times, hahaha!

No, seriously, we are eternally grateful to you, thank you for helping us.

Chantal, Paris, France

Comparing these two cultures is not relevant, because no one can objectively define what a culture is.

I don't like the habit of fixing qualities & defaults to nations. If you want to understand & if you want to help someone to understand the English culture, follow my advice : stop trying to understand the English through an exclusive french point of view : a subjective experience is not a law.

There is nothing more disgusting than this first step toward racism (as "What they are, but what we are.")

Oh, and yes, a last remark (in French) :

"Ce que je vois chez les autres n'est souvent que le reflet de mon propre regard".

What you've seen on the English is not who they are, but what you are able to see. Try harder.

Fraynal LoÃ¯c, Ile de la RÃ©union, France

I agree completely. In England there is no room for sel-expression, because we're all too busy feeling we have to fit in. We live in a derogatory nation. It is easy, safe, and can be funny. And I think we only do it to make oursleves feel better, but what are we hidhing? Who are we kidding . . .? Apart from oursleves. It is a shame. Not always bad. But a shame. Mat, Derbyshire.

Mathew Lovell, Ashbourne,

Everyone should be like the French. So long as you have the Americans to bail you out of trouble every now and then.

Jeff Morrison, Sacramento / California, USA

As an American, it's reassuring to hear that America is not the only country to which the French think they are superior. The French are like the characture of the classic indolent brother-in-law. He doesn't work, produces nothing of consequence, but has a taste for the finest things in life: yours. Like all people who don't work, he thinks you ought to slow down, relax, take some time to smell the roses, just as long as in doing so, you don't reduce his standard of living. I adore the UK, but America has one great advantage over your country. We are further away from France.

jedsil, New York City, NY USA

This must be some sort of National Lampoon satire piece...The funniest part was utilizing "French", efficiency" and "excellent service" in the same vapid thought bubble...Even the new French president admits what a train wreck France has become.

Frank D., Boston, MA

What a thoroughly shallow person... she does her own country no favours... I know the French to be warm, passionate, lovers of great food, yet also cold, standoffish, and arrogant... but then the same can be said of any nation in the world... France, England, Germany.. wherever. When the lady learns to open her eyes, perhaps she will see her predicament for what it is.. what was intended as an escape from a locations which held no loves to keep her there, turned out to be, overall, the same drudgery she left behind, because that was all she appears to be capable of seeing.
Bon Chance Madam, ..

Julian Pearson, Cambridge,

Very entertaining - of course it's a satire! "grahame from broomfield" could I please point out that the British and the French are of the same race - the word you might be looking for is xenophobia perhaps?

Victoria, Nancy, Meurthe et Moselle, France

too much pride in your nationality, madam. I love English and they have their beauty just as good as French.

Juan Liu, Nottingham,

Humourous though highly untrue. Your intelligence is simply not up to par as French wine sales have been on the decrease for the last 5 years now, as for cheese, ours is rivaling the French as is our food, the fact that the French have to create univerisities specifically designed for gastronomy says it all my dear

Sheena, London,

A fairly amusing little article/spoof. The author should hone her skills if she wants to publish more articles of this kind. Irony is an exacting medium.

Judith Denning, High Wycombe, UK

This article is a satire. Mme de Monplaisir does not exist!! There are good things and bad things in both countries. Not every french women is a top model and not every english woman is fat!! Please, readers have a bit of humour!! We could also write a similar article about the french : Why the french cannot be english? Have more humor? Creat more jobs? Have a more dynamic economy? stop being racists? etc etc....
I'm proud to be french and I'll go back to work to France, where for me and my family life style is better...But this article doesn't speak for all the french, I hope some very narrowed minded people understand that!

C. B. from London

C, London,

I've always found French women butch and unattractive in general, and with questionable hygene plus look at who the face of Chanel is.

Additionally:

Do you think I might be able to get my opinions of some racial groups across the front of News Review. You know, 'why I hate asians'. It will 'only be for a laugh'. Racism is racism, and the Sunday Times seem to be targeting the English week in, week out. Surprisingly, this week it wasn't written by a Scot.

grahame, broomfield, KENT

It's not that funny and it's clearly a spoof written by an English woman (a French would have been much more subtle, after all we are connaisseurs). However the comments are very entertaining.

Jean, Dublin,

Geneva in France ;-) ) what a funny typo, in this case above all !

Olivier P., Geneva, Switzerland

I agree Tom, it's so a lack of humour....

Actually, the women on the photo is Arielle Dombasle, a famous French actress, wife of a famous French philosopher Bernard-Henri LÃ©vy!!!

Marie, London

Marie, London,

This is smashing. How to get the English up in arms. An English woman, purporting to be a French woman, writing a parody of the English. I know our education system is on the rocks and no longer is anyone capable of correctly using an apostrophe, but really, do none of you understand â€œMadame de Monplaisir, câ€™est moi!â€.

Perfectly proves the lack of humour, humility and intelligence in the majority of we Brits.

Tom Milligan, London,

It appears us Brits have lost the understanding of satire. The article is a joke, written by an Englishwoman!

Walking around the City yesterday, it appears the French are exporting as many of their citizens as we are exporting ours to Provence.

Alex Williams, London, UK.

Or "Why can't the French be more like the English"? This article really infuriated me. Hortense really epitomises everything I hate about the French bourgeoisie: she is narrow-minded, snooty, arrogant and exceedingly shallow... I am French and I been living in the UK for 9 years. After reading this satire, I think it is very unlikely I will ever move back to France if this means being surrounded by Hortense's uptight compatriots.
There is so much England and English people have to offer - if only Hortense could remove the carrÃ© Hermes that is covering her eyes.

Flo, London,

Well as Parisian living and working in Geneva Switzerland for the past 5 years in the private sector, I have come to realise that the thousands of French who live just accross the border and come to work here every day, know nothing about the city it's history, culture and it's importance on the world map. Most of them hardly know where the United Nations HQ is located but only their way back home. It sadens me to see that their ignorance and lack of interest is a common factor and Ms Long seems to do no better. But hopefully we're not all the same.

Olivier P., Geneva, France

Reading the "says" was more telling than the mere article. Glad (not really) to see that morons and idiots are equally allocated on both sides of the Channel.

Volochine, Narbonne, France

Not that I am necessarily disagreeing with you, but what about the Bluebell Girls.

Henry Percy, London, UK

well, I am not English, yet i love living here. In 15 years I have not had to cope with any prejudice at all-surely Britain is one of the more tolerant places on Earth.
Not staring at others because of their dress sense means freedom. The English simply respect other people to be who they want to be as long as their way of live does not harm others. I admire loads of French culture and history, but this is just a lot of rubbish. With her attitude it would not be surprising if the English disliked her. It's simply snobbish and bad manners to slag off the country you live in.
Oh, and how many experiences with British men has she had exactly? Probably none at all.
I would also like to point out that unfortunately I had some very bad experiences when on holiday in France. However, I do not think it would be fair to generalise because of it.

steph, London,

may be true ,but the writing is typically french bourgeois who has to emmigrate to be something.please give us a break with these comparaisons.just remember that all french people do not stick to this type of "cliche".that's boring

didier, london,

I'm currently living in Amsterdam as an erasmus student considering going to Paris for 6 months and I am British. I have met many nice French people here some of which were not snooty like this woman. Pouquoi does this woman feel the need to defend her country so much? To me it seems she is crying with insecurity... funny stuff all the same though. The Dutch people are so beyond what this french woman tries to be under her inferiority complex. These type of people in all walks of life should be taken simply with a pinch of salt as their opinions speak more about themselves than what they are trying to communicate...

Duncan McFarlane, Amsterdam, Netherlands

I have lived both in London and Paris for many years.
The British, despite the drudgery of their food and transport, are a more enjoyable lot. The french, particularly their men, scare me. On several occasions, I have found that their idea of 'amorous seduction' is to me, just plain stalking. Of course these are just personal experiences not meant to offend anyone. But, yes, give me the wit and charm of the British anyday, over the snottiness of the French.

Serena R., Singapore,

But my dear, if England is really so bad, why are you still here? 60 million people can't all be wrong...

Douglas, London,

I think this rather overstates the case, and ignores the significant contribution of poor third-world immigrants in the improvement of English cuisine.

But, to the heart of it: Voltaire himself said it was the British commercial culture that allowed them to avoid the ridiculous pompous character of the French aristocrat (and the consequent effort of their less fortunate peers to lop of hundreds of thousands of their heads).

Truthfully, the main thing wrong with the English is they're not Scots.

Xenophon, Wellington, NZ

I simply couldn't describe it better..C'est merveilleux!!

Ali, Valencia, Spain

Whether the article is a joke or not it just confirms to me that there is section of the English middle class especially in the media that despises everything about Britain and the British While being slightly obsessed with France, they canâ€™t wait to print any article or survey that says weâ€™re the fattest, thickest etc people in Europe. Personally I wish you would all bog off to Provonce.

jay lightfoot, london , u.k

I am Maltese and absolutely love my country. Our mix of cultures is just too passionate for me to release. Guess anyone wants to have his own ey.

But if asked which country I would choose to live and work in, I think France is nowhere as advanced and rich as England. Nuff said.

Charles, Floriana, Malta

Well, I personally think this is one of the funniest articles I've read in a long time - it's always interesting to see what others think of us, particularly when, like me, one is a long-time and still current expat with a home in France. I love it! Shades of a French Jilly Cooper in the late 60s and early 70s when she wrote screamingly funny articles (I think in the Sunday Times) about her travels abroad, in Russia and behind the then Iron Curtain.

Jane Llewellyn, Jakarta, Indonesia

As an Englishwoman having lived in Italy for the past 30+ years I could - and almost am - tempted to write a similar book about the Italians.

But what would be the point if they haven't a good enough sense of humour to appreciate it? Or if the English aren't intelligent enough to realise that any criticism, even about a foreign culture doesn't necessarily mean that theirs is inevitably the best?

I'm still tempted, however, even if it means that I only receive the kind of reaction that has been apparent in these emails.

rosa, sassari,

I know this is controversial but this sentence is my third favourite of the day:

"They envy us our culture, our food, our small bottoms and our ability to say non to anything that threatens these, be it immigrants, globalisation or the importing of nasty British meat."

Miss C O'Dowd, Leeds, England

How dim are all these outraged "go back to your smelly country if you don't like it here" people who haven't understood that the article was written by Sarah Long? What do they suppose "Madame de Monplaisir, câ€™est moi!" means at the end of the "About the translator" section? How smart do they feel about falling into such an obvious trap? Of course, they can always console themselves by trying to read "50 Reasons to Hate the French"...

Sebastien, Nice, France

I am a happy, proud British born Asian. I have visited France a few times encountered racism everytime, even with my light skinned Eastern European buddie have encountered unwelcomenesss. I suggest your writer paints her skin darker to appear foreign, and see how she is treated in her own country. Remember how Oprah Winfrey was treated? London is the greatest city in the world, I know, I have traveled the world extensively. I live in Fulham too, my house is clean, bright and friendly.

Mike Sommers, Fulham, London

Being French and having spent more than a year in London, I found this piece quite interesting. Nevertheless, I cannot entirely accept the idea of criticising English people without saying anything positive.

I recognise that some English people are a bit jealous about French culture regarding food, music, litterature, etc. I felt sometimes a bit frustated about some prejudices some Brits can show when they meet a Frenchman. Some of them might think French people spend their life enjoying sophisticated food, refined music and pouring Champagne everyday. Well, that's unfortunately not true and I don't want Brits get a wrong impression about the French middle-class which Madame referreded to!

Regardless to what Madame says, French people do admire some parts of the British culture like their sense of business, sense of initiative, multicultural approach, etc. As a matter of fact, nobody forced Madame Hortense de Monplaisir's husband to take the Eurostar and settle in the UK?

Olivier Durbize, Paris,

I'm an expat-American. Having lived in both countries for some time I think the observations are spot on. The truth is the humour of it both from the observer and the observed. I would say it's a Parisian view more than French, but funny and wicked nonetheless.

Larry, Stratford upon Avon,

Exceptional IQ? Single figures perhaps?

Nick O, Varna,

My French girlfriend can't cook and only brushes her teeth once every few days. She also dresses like a clown. But I do love her.

K, Bristol,

So a journalist writes a peice baiting the English and there are tears before bedtime. Grow up and worry about something else kids!

Cassie, Herts, UK

There is one thing, apart from french culture, food, wine and small bottoms which the English don't envy. I refer to the frightful French arrogance on full display in Madame de Monplaisir's 'Dossier'.

Hortense's English friend really should have told her that this is why we feel such pity for the French....after we've all stopped laughing like hyenas of course.

E Rowland, Essex, England

John Kinsella: I presume that you are a fellow countryman of mine. So I challenge you to 'hop' on a train at Apt station. The railway station is charming, provencal pink, flags waving; Apt is a delightful market town with a magnificent cathedral. But there are no trains at the station. You have to travel to Avignon to actually get on a train. Ireland does better than this. It's as if there were no trains from Cork, only a railway station fully staffed.

Dectora, London, UK/ex Ireland

I'm a fluent French -speaking English woman in my late 40's I've lived and worked in France for 23 years . I 've raised 5 Bi-lingual children 8 yrs - 26 yrs. The English don't hate the French. They have a superiority complex ,as do the French and any other misguided national from any country. .Your knowledge of sex ,with Englishmen is,hopefully limited as you went there to be with your French husband( pas vraie?) presumably to benefit from the work / money culture. True that presentation is priority no.1 in France. Way above competence ,quality, and curtesy. A shop assistant is selected because of her small bum rather than her welcoming bubbly personality. Impatience and staff-rudeness is tolerated in every public service. And it appeares to me that the middle-class working woman has no life!! I don't see men doing much housework for their sexy, well maintained wives.I love the French but I'm sorely disappointed . Everything is tacky except for the food .Ironic huh?

sandie smith, meilhan-sur-garonne, 47180 france

Reading this makes me realise why I'm moving back to England from France.

Eve, Avignon, France

Excellent and very true!
I have lived in both countries plus Switzerland, USA (NYC and LA) and a few other places on this planet and I think she is "spot on right" (to use a British term).

Life in Britian is a project or a problem, never enjoyed by people. Always name dropping and flashing labels, always talking money and superficial things, or food on business class or first class flights, etc. etc.

Some how, the trees obstruct the British view of seeing the jungle of life as one might experience.

Life in France is, of course, exceptional and there are other few places in the world like Paris or elsewhere in France.

Ali, Tehran, Iran

French women and dress sense? Ha ha ha! Round here the look is off duty prostitute. And as for dirty windows - ever noticed the dog poo on French streets?

Anne, Agde, France

Si rigolote Hortense de Monplaisir . Brilliant satire, I laughed so much, I almost chocked on my buttered crumpet. This is what happens when you are forced to wear Chantal Thomass' gear for too long. Buy comfy knickers from M&S, your head and ass will at last be separated and kept at a safe distance from each other.

Di, London,

Mmm most of the things she said it is true about the UK. Sad! Isn't it? I lived in the UK for three years and it is pity but I have to say it is so true. However, I like UK, because it is a cool place. Cool place to live and be free. I love the way Brtis having good night out, getting drunk and do not care what others people says! That is so fantastic! Food is not good because the way is produced, however you can find your own good products in the proper shops! Not M&S and others...but small markets.
I have been to France few times and I enjoyed the visits. Speaking not French made my trips more difficult, because French people do not like English speaking person at all. I was not rude using that language, however I expected a little of understanding, especially that I am Polish!

Piotr, Warsaw,

This is obviously deliberately provocative and I found it quite amusing. As a francophile myself I recognise the France she describes but I think she has confused London with the rest of the England. They are separate places and I would urge her to get out more.

John Carr, Colchester,

Brilliant article and TOTALLY true, I'm a bit embarrassed to say, as. Can the author just concede two points: 1./ the Brits can and do laugh at themselves and general uselessness (few exceptions in the comments here, but never mind). And 2./ our fathers and grandfathers were a bit more useful in World War II than our otherwise brilliantly dashing friends over the manche...?

Gerry Houghton, London, UK

Why does this woman wonder why people don't like the French, when she's able to write an article which encapsulates it all - French arrogance, laced with obvious insecurity and a terrible sense of humour?

I am also surprised that, for someone with an 'exceptional IQ', Royal is able to instill pride through her physique, despite the naivety and stupidity of the failed candidate's shambolic campaign.

John, Oxford,

The French branch of Mensa clearly have lower entry requirements than the one in Britain.

Ally, Keswick,

As an Englishman living in Paris for 12 years and a keen observer of the peoples and cultures of both countries I have to agree with many of Mme Hortenses comments and affirmations however cruelly and bitterly written. However, there are some plus points to the English which I assume she has assimulated if still living in London after 10 years. Her claim that newspaper delivery is the only superior service in the UK is particulalry riling. Go into a bank, supermarket, post office, shop, not to mention cafe or restaurant, and you will be treated to a sneering and condescending 'greeting', rude , surly staff, made to queue for hours and looked at as if you are mad if you dare suggest the service isn't up to standard. The French too have an inferiority complex; not understanding (since Napoleon's reign) why a small, damp island only 40% as big as France can have a bigger, more dynamic economy, create the global language, beat Paris to the Olympics and eliminate 'les bleus at rugby :)

Robert Shepherd, Paris, France

This is a joke surely- and if she's so fabulously intelligent why does she need someone to translate for her after living here for ten years - surely her English must be "parfait" by now. Notice she didn't mention tv or radio - although not without fault tv and radio in the UK are streets ahead of the french.

isobel, london, uk

I returned yesterday from France - I just spent six days in Strasbourg marvelling at the fact that there were no beautiful people, none, neither man nor woman. Nearly every adult was overweight AND dressed badly - is it perhaps only Paris where people dress well? Or the rich French? Also, the difficulty to eat food without cream or pork was interesting to say the least, at least it explained why most adults were obviously overweight. I work with many French ex-Pats and their ability to live in a foreign country (for years) and still think of France as God's gift to the Planet never ceases to amaze me. John in Moscow I can only echo your sentiments - why on earth do you bother to stay in London?

Daniela, Vienna, Austria

I need to move to France.
An English girl.

clare, Cumbria,

Do I hear....'Let them eat cake?' Everybody knows that the ingrained reason the French are jealous of the English is that we have won every war we have fought with them.So,just as our archers did many,many moons ago...I stick two fingers up to each and every one of them! Au revoir.............

vivienne, merseyside, England

Why can't the French be more English ? In fact why can't the French be more of anything other than humourless.

Terry, Dudley, UK

Oh how this made me grin with delight! I think a fair number of these things I can replace with Germany too (though not the dress sense, alas). Next time I hear a British person complain about the Germans, I will think to myself that it's because they're jealous of the quality of life we enjoy here.

Esther, Bonn, Germany

She and her husband like British job opportunities, salary rates and lower taxes, no doubt, though. They are part of the "work and money" cult that she pretends to despise.

Vicky, Germany,

"I ONCE asked an English friend why the English were so horrid about the French. Was it because they were jealous? Oh no, he said, we donâ€™t do jealousy. Itâ€™s more . . . pity.

Oh really, I said. Is that why you all want to come to live in our country, because you feel sorry for us?"

Coming from a French bint in London, that is funny!

fnusnuank, Gen, Switz

Being a Expat, I'd like to point out how advanced the English are compared to the French in terms of...well...everything, let out transport. Of course if you see it from a high-society point of view, you can only agree with Madame but she's so locked up in her Parisian feeling of superiority she cannot understand anything a little beyond the range of her narrow mind. And by the way, English food is great. I can't think of anything nicer than a Steak and Kidney pie with peas and chips. It doesn't have to look good to taste good.

Louis, Briquenay, Ardennes, France

As an expat living in Norway for 35 years I am not so indignant about this article. Much is true. In Scandinavia Englih women are stereotyped as ugly. On the other hand, I frequently hear from Scandinavian girls that they have goodlooking Frenchmen are few and far between.

David Nicholson, Trondheim, Norway

Those who have viewed property in France in the past ten or so years will be familiar with the appalling state of many French homes.
Although now rapidly changing, from my own experiance i was appalled at the living conditions on many occassions. And not simply the decor, the brown and orange wallpaper walls (and ceilings!) is of course a matter of taste............. but also cleanliness, to call the overall state and standards Victorian would not be far off.
As for the 'property ladder' believe me it is alive and kicking in France-and few agents -if any- will get to sell on behalf of the people of France if they cannot speak ENGLISH and SELL
to the highest bidder.
treat the above author with the contempt it deserves-yes 'IT' and her article accordingly.

Mike, oxford, englan

I do not look at women in the street because that would encourage their satisfaction with their own beauty and thereby encourage them to forego the endeavours of forging an interesting personality in favour of obsessing further about their looks (case in point with this author if her IQ claims are to be believed)

John L., Oxford,

Wow! This women's a true monster.

Bet she's double jointed though. I mean, she must be, what with all those hours spent inspecting her own rectum etc..

rob, Sarlat, France

Such rubbish. Has anyone noticed how charmless (and badly dressed) some French men can be and how selfconsciously aloof (or perhaps arrogant?) some French women can be ? Where is the joy in being natural ? It is ridculous to generalise. The French do many things better but sometimes, by listening to the way they talk, it seems that they do it just to prove a point. On the other hand, some English traits are to be celebrated. For example, the English tend to bathe more often whilst the French prefer selective washing using the bidet topped by a dash of perfume. Is this practice more higienic than a proper daily bath ?

CV , LIS ,

Just loved it. Agree one hundred percent with the descriptions of the English !

Vijay, Dubai,

Well, I found it hilarious, but then, Iâ€™m French. It helps because the French are the butt of the joke here as well as the English. Prudence type do exist in real life ; their motto is â€œMediocrity is forbidden by law to Frenchwomenâ€.

Catherine, Taipei,

I thoroughly enjoyed the article. And it is more true than not. However, there is one English trait that was missed - that we like to be talked about/ written about/ analysed.

john moylan, alderley edge, cheshire

oh dear. it seems we are split between those who are easily wound up and those who can immediately spot a wind-up. which I suppose makes the whole thing worth it. I rather liked the idea of a french mensa.

the only people the english hate more than the french is the english.

jem, london, uk

Dear Hortense,

As an expat Englishman (35 years already) I recognise much of that which you describe. Keep going...you are on the right track. Don't expect anyone else still on the island to agree with you however. They'll just move to France in increasing numbers and disagree with you even more.

Would be interested in hearing whether the photo above the article is of an English or French national? Or is it you? Or is someone trying to say that sometimes nationality does not count?

Looking forward to more excerpts!

Peter Woodward, The Netherlands

Peter Woodward, Warnsveld, The Netherlands

I'm English (ex-pat) and she's 100% right! Haven't laughed so much for ages! The books on my Christmas list!

Russell , Sofia, Bulgaria

Goodness me , the Times readership appears to have lost it's sense of humour this morning . What's the matter , no rugby to watch?

Nick Dixon, Sutton Coldfield, England

This acidic, tiresome, desperately unamusing diatribe sparked something within me that has lay dormant for some time - patriotism. So for that, thank you Madame de Monplasir.

Mark, London,

I live in France with my family, and love both countries, and love raising my kids as European citizens. Thank goodness the French I know aren't like her, but most of all I'm even more thankful she lives in London!

Michele Buxton, Capestang, France

How sad is this.

I think she may need some help!!!!

Mark, Oslo,

Humm! what I love about English is their sense of humour, specially journalists... bravo.

frederique, paris, france

Hortense lets us off lightly. She says nothing about the way many Londoners on the Underground and suburban trains display a total lack of consideration for their fellow passengers - feet on seats, eating smelly food or knocking back the beer, littering the carriages with fast food detritus and discarded newspapers and bawling into their mobile phones. Give me a Paris Metro crowd any day - they understand that a public place is a public place and not their own private space.

Jake, London, England

And our singers like Johnny Halliday are so brilliant - whereas your singers like ze Beatles are so - how you say - crappy....

Steve Hillage, London,

Not obnoxious Sandy, merely comes across as "tongue in cheek" - but then, I'm an expat!

eve, santa barbara, california usa

Could you tell me where to get a Doreen bra in green?

Katherine Ellis, London, UK

I live in France, I certainly don't hate the French, if you live somewhere you may as well focus on the upside, something this author should try.
It appears that French arrogance is alive and well, and living in London.

Vivi, Rouen, FRance

It is obviuosly a spoof by an English woman. But its not funny. I got bored half way through and became curious as to how people would react. One of 4 camps it seems; fall for it and support it which pretty much says it all; fall for it and rail against it which is a bit silly and touchy but understandable; 'get it', feel clever for doing so after much slef-loving forced-laughing and state its brilliance; or 'get it' but see no decent humour there. The main prblem with it is it fails utterly on far too many occassions to pick up on things anyone not moving in middle-class London circles could relate to either lending the irony flat. I mean basement living and servents??

Dave Williams, Beijing, China

I couldn't help agreeing with everything in the article, and yes, it was thoroughly entertaining. But in defense of the English, I would add that they don't spend as much time complaining as the French, and many have such witty conversation that there are more laughs per minute than many other places in the world.

Melinda, Melbourne, Australia

I would strongly suggest that the author packs her bags, heads back to Paris and hands her passport in to the French authorities with all possible haste!

Richard, Shanghai,

Sarah, you forgot to mention the Brit's table manners vs the French!!

San Francisco, California, USA

Is she writing of the British or Americans! I hope that the Brits have not become as lacking in class, culture, and sophistication as Americans. Please, say it is not so... Must be all the American television shows and movies that are ruining the minds of they who remained behind in our mother country. This article brought out the humor in stereotypes and that each stereotype is built around a wee grain of truth.

Virginia Reader, Central Virginia, United States

I have worked for French companies for over 20 years and I have to say that if you are talking about personal hygiene the French man has to be the worst...they rarely take a bath and wash their hair as little as possible, to the extent they are a walking fire hazard and the way they walk around in summer with their red or blue pantalonâ€™s and yellow chemise is the total height of fashionâ€¦oh please!!!!

The concept of French men being great lovers is total rubbish, how can you let somebody who has not washed in a week perform the art of la sÃ©duction on you.

The concept that all French women have â€œservantsâ€ is totally absurd, France is a very poor country outside the main metropolitan areas and itâ€™s not that sophisticated.

However, I will say that France is a fantastic country..the only problem itâ€™s full of French!!!!

Aman, Lyon, France

No wonder the French detest Parisians far more than they do the English.

James Broughton, London,

Why must any culture strive to be like any other culture? Wouldn't that completely defeat the purpose of culture itself? If all the world was more like the French, or indeed more like the English, it would be a much less interesting place... Quite amusing debate though!

Patricia, Ireland,

Who would have thought The Times would publish such an anti-English and anti-Protestant article?

Daniel Fernandes, Middle England, UK

The article was funny. The reactions are hilarious. Come back, George Mikes - all is forgiven!

Chris THOMPSON, Paris, France

I'm actually a complete bastard to my servants....
or at least I would be if I had any.

I think someone is still sore over the rugby....

Laurence, (doggy-doo free) Bristol,

it's a spoof! the proof:
"English- woman Sarah Long has been exiled in Paris for 10 long, hard years, but at least sheâ€™s managed to parlay her experiences among the frequently insufferable French into fiction. For her third literary outing sheâ€™s invented an alter-ego, Hortense de Monplaisir, a bon chic bon genre Parisienne whose interests include â€˜le scrapbooking, painting on porcelain and organising holidays in Verbier, St Barts and the Ile de Reâ€™. When Hortense is forced to relocate to London with her banker husband she realises, after initial horror, that it is her duty to compose Le Dossier: How to Survive the English (Â£12.99, John Murray)

sometime resident of France, London,

Can anyone be dense enough not to see this is a joke by Sarah "Madame de Monplaisir c'est moi" Long? Well apparently a great many readers are. Poor humourless huffy creatures.

TSG, Paris, France

I found the article very funny, but the comments nearly brought me to tears!!

Trent, London,

"[I]t is a question of knowing what is required and being firm with the servants..."

You lost me from that point on, ma'am.

Normal person, Planet Earth,

"Sarah Long's elementary errors (eg the common and correct expression is "gros legume", which translates as "big cheese" and no French speaker would ever get the gender wrong, as Long has)"

You are quite wrong ! LÃ©gume is feminine and therefore ''grosse lÃ©gume' is correct. Think before you write.......

Mary, Brussels,

I think it's really funny as a whole if you take it light-heartedly. If you were to scrutinize her points though, I can't agree with them all. For one, the whole would be boring if everything's French. And she didn't state the even more vast amount of French people residing in London, seemingly due to the much better economy in England. France's economy is almost non-existent. Many would even cite the French as being lazy and spoilt-a waste of space, perhaps that's the reaction she got when she was adjusting her silk scarf instead of envy. London has the 7th largest French population; is that envy by the French people then?

And French people that I know tend to be so open with sex that adultery and cheating habits are always expected of their spouses, making them look "cheap" than ever. Yet again, all these things, like the article itself, are mere stereotypes and generalisations are never fair.

All in all, the article's a fun read that musn't be taken too seriously.

Nura, Singapore,

P.S. ...although it is so accurate that I am not convinced; I am pretty sure I worked for this woman in Paris in 1988!

sometime resident of France, London,

where was I? oh yes, except for those neighbourhoods and the handful of towns where people from those neighbourhoods go to spend their vacations together. Apart from that, most of France is just as blighted and vulgar as the worst American suburb. Or England.

The food. Agreed, English food is dreadful, disgusting, a national disgrace. And French food is better. But is it really that much better? Unless you have lots of disposable income, the sort of food most French people eat most of the time, while not quite as atrocious as English fare, is nevertheless consistently disappointing, flavourless and unimaginative.

Oh, and most educated French people work on the assumption that France is a horribly provincial and uninteresting place.

Sound familiar?

david o., Paris, France

How obnoxious and ill mannered....go live somewhere else!

Marina Le Maillot, Ile de Brehat, France

What an obnoxious article from a woman from a country that is completely irrelevant in today's world. Unfortunately the French have not realised it as yet. Whether they like it or not, London is increasingly the capital of the world - be it art, culture fashion, finance, FOOD

Thank God for the English!!!!!! At least they dont go around proclaiming cultural superiority over the rest of the continent.

and I am not even English.

Sandy, London,

A wonderful piece of well thought out writting there Ms. Long!
Marvellous, truly exceptional!
No seriously it's great i loved it.

Benjy, Paris,

It's a spoof, people. Well done though.

John , Norwich, IK

Hang on. I thought we were lowly for prioriting where we source our food from? So by the same logic, why are you any better for being discerning where you buy your lingerie from?

Why commend French delight in the simple pleasures, while admonishing those of the English?

Incontinuity aside, an entertaining read as intended, I'm sure.

A Kaur, West Midlands,

It's A A Gill in a gown.

Martin Scott, Leeds, Yorkshire

Wow!!! Very well put!! I 've live in England and France and I love both peoples and countries but I couldn't agree more...! Very insightful!!

Eva Kypraiou, Athens, Greece

Bravo! Great entertaining reading. And sadly so true....

James, London, UK

Thing is Sarah (Madame), you're absolutely right. I'm so-o pleased to have exchanged increasingly weird Britain for still-delightful France!

cath, london/vaucluse, UK/France

I think the French are nice charming people, in the south of france, in Paris they are rude and arrogant, unpolite, and no consideration for the others.
The English on the other hand are polite, and helpfull, this in London that is very stress city and people are in a rush, they still take time. Is true they dont dress so well but depend what part of London you live in ??
The French have a culture for food, that the English luck.
What I like about the English is their

Iconic Films

Navigation - link to other main sections from here

I have dreamt of winning the PGA since I was a kid. It’s something I want on my résumé

Why can’t the English be more like the French?

With the high-speed link to London about to open at last, Hortense de Monplaisir warns her fellow Parisians of the horreurs anglais that await them

Related Links