The Great Conspiracy of Silence.

The unwritten rule of parenthood is that you never let on to non-parents what it’s really like. This is particularly acute in the early stages, pregnancy and the pre-school years. This was once described by one sleep-deprived father as the great parental conspiracy of silence. It goes like this:

Your friend announces she is pregnant. You are, of course, delighted. You meet, for coffee (yours is a double espresso, since the children have been up all night), to talk about it. She wants to know everything, or so she says.

Here’s what you tell her:

1. It doesn’t matter if she gets fat, the weight will drop off afterwards, especially if she breastfeeds.

2. The birth itself isn’t that bad, and anyway your body is biologically programmed to forget the pain.

3. Breastfeeding can be a little tricky to start with, but in the end she’ll get the hang of it.

4. You get used to not having as much sleep as you used to.

5. The experience of looking after a newborn can really bring two people together.

Here’s what you actually mean:

1. Her stomach will never be the same again, not even if she goes to the gym every day (which she won’t be able to because she won’t have the time), breastfeeds until her child goes to university and observes a strict vegan diet.

2. The birth is quite terrifying, gas and air doesn’t work like they say it does, having stitches is horrible, midwives don’t always get it right, there will be more blood and bodily fluids than an episode of CSI Miami, and having half the world staring at your most intimate parts while you make noises like a demented pig is not, in any sense of the word, empowering.

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