HOWZAT

The public enjoys tearing down, as well as building up, an appointed star. Some projects will nosedive and lie writhing on the floor while the public throws stones. Best to have a thick skin and keep your trembling sensitivity for your responsiveness to your art.

Kirsten Dunst said that she was rattled when she was booed at Cannes for Marie Antoinette. It’s honest, but not star behaviour. Better to follow Kenneth Branagh’s example. His apparent relish for the surreal kept him in good spirits while enduring insulting interviews when the press turned against his Frankenstein.

Or if you must get upset, do it large. Insult everyone and upturn tables. No half-gestures for a star.

5. Childlike innocence

If you have any self-awareness, it’s best to keep it in check as a star. Pretend that it never occurred to you that five marriages, a mysterious trip to the Middle East, those paparazzi photos and the extra 20lbs are anything to do with your state of mind.

6. Self-entitlement

A star must absolutely believe that she deserves to have red carpets rolled out for her, babies given to her by Third World orphanages, dogs with designer clothes, billboards and screaming punters crying in the rain for an autograph.

7. Weird requirements that must be indulged

Bob Dylan once insisted that everyone be called by a different name than their own at one of his parties. And it’s standard star behaviour to insist that your makeup suite be repainted. Most stars have favourite beverages and treats without which the whole charade loses meaning.

But when someone like Twiggy arrives, cheerfully agreeing to share a dressing room with the chorus (The Boy Friend), you know you’ve found a megastar.

8. Determination

You must be able to thrive through indignities, misunderstandings, false promises, betrayals, insults and still appear squeaky clean. Even the stars who appear casual and light-hearted, such as George Clooney and Woody Harrelson, are ruthless in pursuit of their dreams.

They have to be. There are a lot of inane dinners, public appearances and repetitive interviews on the way to the top.

9. A hint of scandal without going over the top

It’s all right to carry an aura of sexy mischief, but not all right to plunge headlong into public disgrace. Fatty Arbuckle was the adored star of the Keystone comedies until an untrue but much shared rumour of causing the death of a young starlet by raping her with a cola bottle hounded him into retirement. Hugh Grant has just enough charm to rescue him from one publicity disaster after another; and I don’t think it needs to be said that O. J. Simpson is not going to get another Airplane job in this lifetime.

10. Class

Whether you went to RADA, Roedean or the J. Arthur charm school, or read The Great Gatsby over and over, you will have to acquire class. Noble beginnings aren’t necessary, and in fact are usually a hindrance – who would bother going for stardom if they weren’t deeply stressed about their childhood? But eventually, you will have to wear haute couture and have your hair styled by Mr Trendy of Beverly Hills. The ones who don’t and are still stars carry class on the inside, where it really matters. You know who they are.

And my vote for the greatest star I ever met: Glenda Jackson, who has the talent, courage, political savvy, poise and spirit most stars can only dream of. And the good grace never to tell us lesser mortals what she really thinks of us.

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