Rule No 1 for anyone courageous enough to try to infiltrate the Cannes Film Festival as a humble tourist: be prepared to tell some very convincing lies. It’s now at least 40 years since this small city of 70,000 surrendered itself to a yearly onslaught of producers, distributors, directors, writers, journalists and publicists – and the festival became dominated by industry insiders. The tourist who just likes movies and quite fancies a trip to the Riviera had better get used to rejection, because he or she is not meant to be crashing cinema’s biggest members-only party.

So what’s the point of scrambling on to one of the few easyJet flights to Nice with seats still available, only to find that Cannes has shut its gates to outsiders? Simple: pretend you’re not an outsider at all.

It isn’t nearly as hard as it sounds. Appearance is everything at Cannes; small talk, networking and heavy-duty schmoozing are just as important as the gala screenings, red carpet parades and prestigious awards. And in a city as compact as Cannes, it’s almost impossible to avoid mingling with the professionals. Get chatting in a smoky, poky bar (the Petit Majestic is the current locale of choice), invent a plausible life story and show some interest in some of the more off-beat features, and you’ll most likely end up being press-ganged into a screening the next day. It might not be Lars von Trier’s latest three-hour epic, but it will get you further into the right crowd.

Even if the schmoozing leads to nothing but enormous bills at the Cannes bars, there are still some more orthodox ways of getting to see the films. Yes, tickets for the vast majority of official festival screenings are strictly limited to those with accreditation, but certain sections of the festival do still have some availability for the masses.

Public tickets are occasionally offered, for example, at the Espace Miramar (Rue Pasteur) for International Critics Week, an award for first or second-time film-makers. An even better bet is the Directors Fortnight — where The Blair Witch Project was originally shown — for which €5 tickets can often be snapped up from the Directors Fortnight tent outside the Noga Hilton hotel. That’s before you even consider the 900-odd films that will be shown, or haggled over, at the Cannes Market: a sprawling business-orientated offshoot of the festival offering a good opportunity for the sneaky visitor to gain access with just a little persuasion. The end result may be pot luck, but the Market is where Luc Besson and Pedro Almodóvar both began their careers.

Finally, don’t think yourself beneath the genuinely “public” screenings offered during festival time. Films from the Official Selection can be viewed on the open-air cinema on the beach — appropriately enough, the Cinéma de la Plage — with a ticket from the tourism office. The big premieres are also repeated at the tiny, public cinemas in the town centre (Le cinéma des Arcades and Studio 13 are two of the main ones) — and don’t be surprised if the film’s stars turn in an appearance themselves. It’s just that kind of place.

If it’s the stars alone and not their films that you’re after then it’s simply back to the art of mingling. Smarten up, and sweep confidently into the bar or terrace of the four smartest hotels: the Majestic, the Grand Hotel, the Noga Hilton, and the Carlton. All of them will be dripping with “talent” — actors, actresses and directors — and you’ll be far closer than you would trying to catch a glimpse of Björk’s latest frock-shock down with the paparazzi at the Festival Palace.

The best thing about being in Cannes without having to cosy up to a producer/distributor/journalist is that you can get away. Take your pick from the village that inspired Picasso, St Paul de Vence, the scenic Iles de Lérins (accessible by ferry) or the world capital of the perfume industry at Grasse. When you return to the sprawl, just remember Roman Polanski’s verdict: “Of course Cannes is a zoo, but don’t we all love animals?”

CANNES DOs AND NO CANNES DOs ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA

Do talk — to writers, directors, producers, publicists and journalists. They might have those all elusive invitations to the MTV Party.

Don’t talk — to actors or actresses you've stalked back to their hotels. Yes, I'm sure you loved Nicole's performance in Dogville, but do you really have to tell her? Very uncool.

Do spend a lazy afternoon lounging around a swanky hotel bar looking for the “talent”.

Don’t buy anything stronger than a coffee while you're there. Prices are absolutely astronomical.

Do blag your way into parties, screenings, receptions, bars and clubs.

Don’t try to blag an official accreditation (press or professional) — it simply won’t work.

Do check out the porn stars marketing their wares on the beach to get attention.

Don’t start marketing your own wares on the beach to get attention (see above).

Do get away — to Provençal villages, craggy islands, even Nice if it all gets too much.

Don’t linger disconsolately on the Croisette because you can’t get into any of the screenings.

Do smarten up: black tie for an evening screening or party; designer jacket, sunglasses and 3G mobile phone to get into the hotels.

Don’t dumb down: a drunken, rampaging binge through the city's bars will get you noticed, but probably not in the way you wanted.

Do check out the superb www.cannesguide.com and order a copy of Cannes: A Festival Virgin's Guide for £13.95.

Don’t bury yourself away in an internet café when you get there. Start the blagging!

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