5.02am. I’m doing what?

5.03am. I am going to see Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones back-to-back, ending with the world premiere of Revenge of the Sith at 9pm. There will be a 20-minute break between each film — just enough time for a quick Sith and some nachos. Why, I don’t know — I don’t even like sci-fi. I once lost a pub quiz by confusing iconic sci-fi theme tunes, and pretending to have a light-sabre battle while humming the music for Superman. I will probably sleep through most of this.

5.10am. Might as well keep my jimmy-jams on, then.

6am. Leicester Square. There is a life-size X-Fighter jet, parked by the bins where there are usually a couple of tramps hitting each other with their shoes. A battalion of Stormtroopers suddenly emerges. Marching in formation, their bone-white heads glow under the grey sky. Given their manifold evil, it is comforting to observe the more human traits in the battalion, such as the Stormtrooper with VPL.

A fairly large crowd has turned out for “Star Wars Celebration Day”. Some of them have travelled a long way — I see a Wookie, ten Jedi knights, a dozen or so Sith Lords, Yoda, Princess Leia, and someone in a dinner-suit loading AA batteries into a light sabre. There is even someone French. The mood is upbeat.

7am. Doors open at the cinema. “Can I see your tickets, please?” the doorman asks.

“You don’t need to see my tickets. These are not the droids you are looking for,” says a fan, making the hand gesture of the Jedi Mind Trick.

“Hahaha. Can I see your tickets, please?” the doorman asks. The fan gives him his ticket.

7.09am. Someone else is saying: “These are not the droids you are looking for.” The doorman looks a little strained.

7.25am. Everyone is seated. The DJ Richard Bacon appears on stage — apparently “we” are broadcasting live on Johnny Vaughan’s Capital Radio show. “Get ready to wave your light sabres in the air!” Bacon cries. “But not during the film!” an audience member shouts, sternly. I judge from this that the mood will be “reverent”.

7.30am. Film starts. The title Star Wars is greeted with screams and cheers. None the less, light sabres are responsibly sheathed.

7.35am. A space battle. Individual special-effects are being cheered. Worried how this day will pan out.

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