Smash hit

Ich am very friendly mit many of ze world’s biggest zelebrities — have you by any chance heard of Gerhardt Shvettering? Zat’s right, ze host of Austrian Idol, he’s basically ze Austrian Noel Edmonds. Have you heard of Chaka Khan — vell, ich am best friends mit her personal manicurist... vell, ze guy she uses vhen she comes to Germany, und ze record company aren’t paying. Und you know Jason Statham? Vell, ich am freunds mit a guy who looks just like him. No big deal vassever.

I hear you lost your job. What happened?

Ich vas fired for a vhile, but ich have mein job back now. It happened at Milan fashion week at ze Agatha Ruiz de la Prada show, vhen ich crashed onto her catwalk. Ich couldn’t believe she vasn’t grateful to have me on her runway — ich am twice as beautiful as the models she had booked und she got me for free. I think she may have been upset zat people liked my outfit more than ze ones she had designed.

So you decided to become a celebrity?

With me, it was clear from the start ich vas destined to be one of ze beautiful people — in ze first ultrasound picture ever taken of me in mein mutter’s womb, you can clearly see zat I’d taken ze umbilical cord und wrapped it round my waist with a knot at ze side, like a Marc Jacobs snakeskin serpentine belt.

Don’t you think we have too many celebrities these days?

Zere are too many fake celebrities — people like Paris Hilton. She’s everything I despise in people. She dresses to get attention and she’s a real name-dropper — Orlando Bloom told me zat. No big deal vassever. She is fame-obsessed — she’s alvays standing next to me on ze red carpet. Alzo, she’s stingy. At parties, whenever I’m queueing up for a goodie bag, she’s there. Und she’s so bitchy — vhich most sluts are.

Who is your favourite celebrity?

It has to be Naomi Campbell. You know, despite all the pressure und fame of 25 years at ze top, Naomi hasn’t changed at all, und has remained a total bitch.

Many celebrities espouse causes these days. Why did you try to bring peace to the Middle East?

Ich vas advised to go zere by a PR company. You know, it infuriates me, ze ego of ze politicians over zere who think they can fiz things zemselves. None of zem are big enough to just pick up ze phone und just call Bono. Going to ze Middle East vas ze scariest thing I’ve ever done — zere is no sushi at all! All zere is to eat ist just carbs — hummus und pitta bread. No wonder zose guys are alvays fighting. Und ass for ze clothes — no vonder zey blow zemselves up — if all I had to vear vas a black sheet und some sandals, who vouldn’t?

That must have been a big jump from your home town?

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