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Remedy Must do more comedies. The whole noble-actor-statesman thing is starting to feel a bit Reaganesque.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Britain’s wealthiest teenager? Yes, but for how long?
Remedy Increase dosage of male hormone suppressant to counteract potentially franchise-wrecking onslaught of manhood (at any rate until Harry Potter and the Umpteenth Sequel comes out).
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Hollywood It girl and post-teen muse to older admirers such as Woody Allen and John Travolta, Johansson stumbled badly this year as the spandex-clad bimbo clone in the megabudget sci-fi flop The Island. The producers sniped that Johansson wasn’t hot enough for a movie of this calibre.
Remedy No more eye-candy parts for Scarlett. Go the Charlize Theron anti-babe route — Latex fat-suits and bisexual serial killer roles only.
GEORGE LUCAS
He has $3 billion in the bank and a modern pseudo-space-mythology to his name. He has a computer effects empire at his feet. And still he can’t write a decent line of dialogue to save his life.
Remedy Attend weekly script-writing seminars. Read books with real stories in them. Cancel subscription to Wired magazine. Catch crippling computer virus. Ditch never-ending supply of plaid shirts. Shave beard. Grow up.
PENGUINS
The hot newcomers of 2005 were the black and white stars of the sleeper-hit March of the Penguins. They need to sustain the heat.
Remedy Join the Hollywood agency CAA. Negotiate sequel deal, merchandising rights, plus giant rider of fresh fish. Date Hollywood It girl Scarlett Johansson.
RUSSELL CROWE
Commenting on a year that must surely be his annus horribilis maximus (pun intended, see Gladiator) — which included the collapse of a Nicole Kidman movie, the near break-up of his beloved band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, the big-budget box-office dud that was Cinderella Man, bizarre revelations about an al-Qaeda kidnapping plot, plus a reported $100,000 out of court payment for his infamous phone-throwing tantrum in New York in September — the pugilistic Antipodean actor glumly threatened to pack in the whole Hollywood game and “p*** off back to Australia”.
Remedy P*** off back to Australia. Failing that, see Sean Penn.
JUDI DENCH
Dame Judi’s acting chops are being sorely tested by a relentlessly samey series of stern-yet-loveable twinkly-eyed matriarchs-of-a-certain-age roles. From Bond to Ladies in Lavender to Mrs Henderson Presents.
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