9:16min A meteorite lands and exudes vile ooze. “It’s just the same with me,” attests Flying Eagle, whose speciality is flying faster than the speed of light. “It’s these meteorites that always cause us problems.”

13:43min Spider-Man/Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) meets his Aunt May (Rosemary Harris). “It’s mandatory for any true superhero to be without parents,” says the invincible Captain Champion.

20:33min After a fight with Spider-Man, New Goblin (James Franco) is badly injured, but Spider-Man administers first aid, picks him up and takes him to hospital. “That’s also in the manual,” chuckles Captain Champion. “But he should have checked for spinal injuries before picking him up. It’s a court case waiting to happen.”

26:23min Spider-Man swings through the air with the greatest of ease. “These special effects are excellent,” says the acrobatic Ricochet.

24:13min Sandman/Flint Marko (Thomas Haydn Church) accidentally walks into a scientific experiment and is turned to sand. “Life’s a beach and then you fly,” laughs Captain Beany from Planet Beanus whose speciality is to propel himself through the air via jet propulsion caused by the overintake of baked beans.

43:57min Spider-Man is given the key to New York City. “I can’t stand the adoration,” moans Captain Beany. “When they offered me the key to Port Talbot I turned it down.”

57:34min Spider-Man hears news of a crime on his police frequency radio. “We can’t do that,” says Captain Champion. “It’s illegal to tune into the police.”

89:04min Spider-Man fights his adversaries. “There’s lots of great violence in this film,” says Flying Eagle. “Aye, but don’t try it at home,” adds Captain Beany.

95:12min Peter Parker walks through the city and eyes up the girls who smile back coquettishly. “I get that all the time,” states Captain Beany proudly. “It’s the costume that gets them.”

117:22min The Sandman returns in all his glory – a 60ft ogre made of sand. “That takes true grit,” comments Captain Beany.

VERDICT

All were totally bowled over by the film. “It was brilliant – the best of the three,” says Captain Beany. “The aerobatics were superb.” “I like the story ark,” adds Captain Champion. “It shows that it’s not always the good guys against the bad, and that even the best of us can fall into bad behaviour while even the worst might see the error of his ways.”

Spider-Man 3 is out to buy on DVD. Interview by Chris Sullivan

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