Director Shaad Ali Sahgal, PG, 135 mins, Subtitles

Stars: Abhishek Bachchan, Preity Zinta, Bobby Deol, Lara Dutta.

“I have already had sex eleven times!” London Pakistani pouty babe Alvira (Preity Zinta) declares when she is introduced to her arranged marriage groom in this latest NRI (Non Resident Indian) romcom.

Set in London’s Southall Asian community, the film focuses on Alvira and her brief encounter with Rikki (Abhishek Bachchan), a conman who utters ‘Blimey!’ frequently. The duo meet at London’s Waterloo station where they purport to be awaiting their respective intended spouses, arriving on the same train from Birmingham. The train is delayed; the pair talk about their respective partners.

When the train arrives, Rikki and Alvira separate but realise they have fallen in love. Will they ever board the love train?

Sahgal’s film is intent on incensing traditional sensibilities with its demotic dialogue, recurring wet kisses and blunt depiction of premarital sex. He includes a positive gay character and tackles unashamedly communal relationships, which can still be a taboo topic in the UK’s Asian community. “My girlfriend is a Pakistani!” the British Punjabi Indian Rikki proudly states, as he snogs her openly in the street.

Sadly, any potential impact of this progressive social commentary is lost as the film is ultimately swamped by a post interval twist, silly subplots and extended set pieces. This involves sequences featuring Princess Diana, a Superman waxwork and an extended dance competition. As it judders along assaulting our senses with its non-stop gags, the viewer is left perplexed as to the film’s intention.

Sahgal’s third (Saathiya, Bunty aur Babli) directorial feature is a lengthy dance music video. Indeed, the title translates as ‘Sway Baby Sway’. The songs pop up in diverse locations such as Paris, London’s University College forecourt, the Taj Mahal in Agra, a London courthouse and on the station’s platform. With English titles like ‘Ticket to Hollywood’ and ‘Kiss of Love’, Shankar Ehsaan Loy’s music is catchy bunkum.

Almost every British Asian actor has a lugubrious cameo: Sanjeev Bhaskar is a Gujerati shopkeeper, Meera Syal appears as the stereotypical Punjabi matriarch. Mega-god Amitabh Bachchan makes a brief appearance and appears to be coasting whilst the other A listers convey characterisation via changed hairstyles and mouthing ‘Innit’ at random.

It’s bolly-fluff, fitfully funny in places but it is time to deport this NRI escapism back to Bollywood.

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