Director David Dhawan, PG, 155 mins, Subtitles

Stars: Salman Khan, Govinda, Lara Dutta, Katrina Kaif

“Amazing body Prem bhai (brother)!” the bumbling Bhaskar (Govinda) adoringly exclaims as suntan lotion is applied to the hairless torso of his mentor in this latest slice of Bollywood homoerotica, disguised as a comedy.

The lowly Bhaskar has love aspirations above his station: he fancies his boss Priya (Katrina Kaif), a pouty heiress who likes to invest daddy’s millions in worthy projects. Bhaskar enlists the help of Prem (Salman Khan), a "love guru", in order to woo the object of his affection.

It is the Bollywood remake of Will Smith’s Hitch but without any of the slick clowning and quick wit of the original. David Dhawan, director of crude hit comedies from the 90s (Aankhen, Andaz, Raja Babu), sticks to his trademark loud crass gags formula with a narrative which is nothing more than a series of unconnected events thrown together in no particular order.

From the first meeting when Bhaskar slips on a banana peel and lands up in Prem’s arms, we know the juvenile humour which is to follow. Expect unfunny jokes about snot, male bonding in a urinal, death and short people.

Not content with paying homage to Hitch, Dhawan includes a being pursued by a missile on a jet ski extended sequence which is lifted straight out of the second Jackass movie. There is also a subplot involving ‘Chhota Don’, a vertically challenged gangster who boasts frequently that “police of eleven countries are after me.”

The inexplicable proceedings would be bearable – this is a massala movie after all – if the film could make up for in laughs what it lacks in substance. But it is shoddily assembled – locations switch from Mumbai to Thailand to Dubai for no reason – and his male leads are more interested in admiring each other’s bodies than in comic timing.

Khan, sporting a belly button ring, gives his intended audience exactly what they want: ample opportunities to ogle his gym bunny body. Funnyman Govinda fares better and the film’s few chuckles are courtesy his English dialogue. Former Miss Universe turned Bollywood babe Lara Dutta is sparky but, like the other heroine Kaif, is sidelined by their male partners.

Dhawan pumps up the camp excess in the big dance numbers, including one lavishly shot song on the beaches of Thailand with a couple of ladyboys as background dancers. But with English titles like Do you wanna Partner, You’re My Love and the Ricky Martin rehash Maria Maria, these ditties are disposable.

It’s loud and loutish: fans of base humour Bollywood comedies will love it.

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