Caitlin Moran
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The world premiere of Kylie Minogue’s White Diamond - “An intimate portrait of Kylie Minogue” – and around 1000 people line the red carpet at Leicester Square, waiting for her arrival. The crowd includes two drag queens, wearing gigantic pink and white ostrich feather head-dresses, which slowly turn into damp rats tails in the rain outside Burger King.
Even in the rain, however, they are still more glamourous than celebrity guest Rupert Everett, who turns up in a greasy pair of tracksuit bottoms and three inches of stubble, looking as if his taxi was booked to pick him up from a bin. Next to Kylie – arriving to screams and cheers and luminous in, of course, white diamonds – he looks like a tramp. He looks puzzlingly, fundamentally unsuited to the dazzle and sequin of a Kylie Minogue event.
Filmed between August 2006 and March 2007, White Diamond follows Kylie on her resurrected “Showgirl” tour – originally abandoned halfway through, in Sydney, when she was diagnosed with breast-cancer. White Diamond aims to show her “Home coming” – the reactivation of the Showgirl tour, which was reworked to be “Light, joyful and fun, as always; but that means something much deeper, now given the context,” as choreographer Akram Khan explains.
Over the course of two hours, we see Kylie in private jets, on the beach, in the dressing room, working on designing a leopard cat-suit with Dolce & Gabbana, singing with sister Dannii and – of course – looking totally, totally fabulous. This rolling-news access is due to the film being the work of Will Baker – Kylie’s key-note stylist, photographer and collaborator-cum “gay husband”, as she puts it. Their relationship is endearingly close – they refer to each other, constantly, as “dear”, like a elderly couple sunning their knees on a beach at Clacton seafront.
However, the main problem with White Diamond is, perhaps, that Baker is too close to his subject. During an arse-fatiguing two hours, White Diamond follows Minogue during a triumphal home-coming gig, a post-stage collapse due to respiritory tract infection, New Year’s Eve at Wembley Arena, and the break-up of her long term relationship with the actor Olivier Martinez - but we never see Minogue cry.
Likewise, we never see her shout, or bitch, or get tipsy, or maudlin. She comes across as resolutely sunny, stoic and giggly – which, by all accounts, she actually is - but anything even remotely resembling a newsworthy moment has clearly been exorcised by either Baker, or Minogue herself.
“For most people, Neighbours, Michael Hutchence, gold hot pants and cancer = Kylie,” Baker suggests to his star, right at the beginning. “I want to rip that surface away.”
Alas, over the next two hours, Baker doesn’t so much rip the surface away as gently caress the surface, going “Mmm, lovely surface”. White Diamonds reveals far less of Kylie Minogue than the legendary hot pants did. To be honest, it reveals less than a well-cut winter coat and knee-boots would.
If the censorship is on Baker’s half – which I rather suspect it is – then this is surely the action of a friend who knows, first-hand, how the tiniest salient detail of Minogue’s life can become tabloid and magazine fodder for weeks, and who wishes to spare her from further papping and scruntiny. And this is, clearly, why he is a good friend, and is allowed to sit in Kylie’s dressing room while she dances around in her pants, which is what everyone in the world wants to do, really, if they’re honest. The one thing White Diamonds leaves you in no doubt about is that Kylie Minogue is a charming, merry, adorable disco mouse with a fabulous collection of shoes.
But ultimately, it does rather leave the viewer wondering why on earth the documentary was actually made. In In Bed With Madonna, Madonna fellates a Coke bottle, calls her dancers “bitches”, slags off Kevin Costner, and shoots red-hot sex-looks at Warren Beatty every ten minutes. In White Diamond, on the other hand, we see Kylie getting in and out of a lot of cars, and giving Will Baker lots of hugs. The over-riding image of the film is of a tired, crop-haired girl napping on sofas in between shows, waiting for her skin to start glowing again, and wearing bright sequins on her eyes until it does.
Of course, there are good bits. Some poor runner, atomiser in hand, spraying plants at a party with Minogue’s perfume, “Darling.” Bono being winningly sardonic about filling Robbie Williams’ spot on a performance of Kids (“How does Robbie do it? He is my inspiration,” before tearing the roof off with his version.) And there’s a running gag of the tour-manager, Sean, having the sole, recurring line “It’s a nightmare”, as computers go down, or backing dancers loose their shoes.
But, ultimately, this is a documentary made by a very discreet friend, about someone very responsible and lovely, on a tour where every day they took the rigging up, and then took it back down again, and everyone was in bed by midnight.
And if that’s not what the tour was like, and that’s not what Kylie is like, we’re none the wiser at the end of two hours.

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Another Brisbane fan here and she's my girl to me. I have to agree that I think it really was made 'for the fans' and someone who doesn't absolutely love her wouldn't understand it. Its not meant to be "An Inconvenitent Truth". Its just "Kylie", pure and simple. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Jamie, Brisbane, Australia
I love Kylie and everything about her but I have to admit the documentary was a touch too long. Kylie is a terrific performer but she is hopeless in any interviews. She's never answer a question directly from her heart but that's just Kylie, a perfectionist.
Selwyn, Sydney, Australia
I think the Movie was great, Kylie is a true super star... She is the Queen of pop! I love that she did this, I Can't wait for it to be out on DVD, with Homecoming!!!! Go Kylie you rock..
Shaun, Christchurch, New Zealand
She has no substance hence why people aren't amazed by this so called 'intimate portrait'. She is ultimately boring and unfortunately, the cynic in me thinks that she has done this to capatalise and on her illness.
Jo Butler, ESSEX,
God! Some of you people are nasty. I don't think she is made to look racey or exciting! She is just Kylie, a nice girl with a sweet voice but who has what a lot more talented people don't have, the ability to make people love her, me being one of them. She's no Barbra Streisand or Joni Mitchell but she's lasted 20 yrs and hopefully will go on and on entertaining us. Maybe there are no warts to add on to this documentary, maybe in such a cynical nasty world there are some genuine nice perky people who are always upbeat. As for being a bore I bet some of you had her looks and her millions and maybe even her disposition! Love ya Kylie.xxxx
john stroud, brighton,
Ultimately, I found WHITE DIAMOND to be a feature length `Behind The Scenes' for the SHOWGIRL: HOMECOMING tour, rather then a 'Personal portrait'.
We meet the backing singers, dancers, costume designers, managers, roadies, vocal trainers & even Kylie's 'friend' Bono (U2). All of the above are smmiley, giggley childrens TV characters. Kylie is a happy, giggly character & the people closest too her eg her sister stay as smiley shadows in the background.
If you are interested in the behind the scenes workings that go into a tour, you'll love this. If you love Kylie you'll still love this, though we don't learn anything interesting about Kylie, her illness or her career in the 2 hours.
I can't help being somewhat sceptical; her speeches seem practised and she appears a little too `cool' at times. You have to wonder what got cut out.
OK, but clearly mis-titled for being something that it isn't.
Amanda, Manchester, England
I was rather stuck to every second of the White Diamond Documentary. I think I was expecting it to be a little more real. I do and did feel for the hardworking gal, who professed that she just wanted to go for a walk to the shops and that she felt trapped. The joys of fame and the responsibilities of what she has achieved seemed to play hard on somebody who really is obviously a very sweet and caring person. The "cancer diagnosis" and the way she articulated those words, definitely played on her every time she mentioned it. I think we could all see glimpses of pain and suffering and joy in her eyes. Anybody with their antennas up could read and see a lot more than was actually filmed... I am sure you know what I mean. However her best friend, (who filmed the documentary) had obviously tried his best to be nice and although I felt as if I had briefly been let into here world, it was heavily edited âcotton wool paddedâ version .. I personally thinks she is a very genuine person!
Jamez, Penznce, England
I thought it was a brilliant and very touching insight into Kylie and her comeback. The documentary was done by William Baker as he is a very close friend of Kylie's and someone she has a huge trust in. As she is so mysterious and does very rare tv shows such as this, it makes it more the complusive viewing.
Kylie obvioulsy wanted this comeback to be perfect and the show to see her as she really is. William Baker did question her about cancer and although she did talk openly about this, you could see it was still something difficult for her to talk about. I found it a joy to see her young, humourous, carefree attitude to life as this is a side to Kylie we dont normally see.
I write this listening to her latest album 'X' which i think is fab and i cant wait for a tour. Kylie i think your fab!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer , Plymouth, Plymouth, England
I thought she came across as closed, false and uninteresting. Shes about as exciting as watching the cricket for two hours, she must have more personality than that but obviosuly chose not to show any as nobody could be that boring.
She all mirrors and smoke, a product made to look exciting and racey, in reality theres really not much going on, god she must bore herself!
susan, Dublin, Ireland
The documentary will air again on sunday night (2nd December 2007) on 'the Hits' channel at 8pm Followed by Showgirl Homecoming Tour
Mike, Manchester,
I totally agree with J Robertson & Donna in that the so-called warts & all documentary was not at all revealing. It could have been so much better & the most of the footage used was just pointless. Having said that, I think it did reveal something about Kylie - she came across as being very child-like & her vulnerability shone through at times (like when she said she had so much she wanted to say but didn't know how to express it). She also showed that she's the consummate performer - chatting on stage when the computer system had gone down. The problem is, throughout the whole footage, she either looked uncomfortable or was performing the whole time so feel she still remains mysterious as we didn't get to see the 'whole Kylie'.
Claire, Bucks, England
I only saw the second hour but I thought it was really good, she came across as a really caring, down to earth genuine person, who was fun to be around.
She wasn't trying to be fake and she wasn't overacting it was really good.
Does anyone know if it is repeated anytime soon? As i want to see the first hour.
Lottie, Essex, England
i didnt see all of the film but i saw at least an hour and what i did see was good im not quite sure what i was expecting possibly more about the battle with cancer i dont know, but it showed us the kylie we all love doing what she does best and for those who say it was 2 hours of boredom it can not have been that bad otherwise you would have switched channels as i did because it wasnt what i thought it was going to be so i didnt watch it all
mel, wales,
I really enjoyed the documentary it was funny and emotional and i hope to see more from her she has a great character
Emily, desborough,
Oh how boring. Watched it on Channel 4. I think she is unashamedly cashing in on her cancer illness and its fawning from the make of this and herself is sickening. She is lucky. She can choose and has an option whether she works after her illness. In the real world, victims can't and have financial problems. Why should anyone look to her for `inspiration', because she isn't from the real world. And this awful, fawning, idealistic, self-publicist rubbish just confirms it. Yuk. Shame on you Will Baker and most of all...Wiley Kyle.
Ellis Baxter, London,
Kylie came across as a David Brent type character I thought. Nice lady, very polite but very aware of her status. A lady with a goddess complex in my honest opinion.
Tasha, Manchester, UK
This documentary has to be the most embarassing thing I have seen on Tv for a while. It was two hours of nothing. There seemed to be a complete absence of any personality. One was left wondering who this programme was really about.
The issue of her sickness did not seem to have been properly addressed -I at least expected a doctor at the beginjing dsiscussing whether it was physically feasible for kylie to do the tour. It seems highly irresponsible to have gone on tour so soon following on from such a major illness. Aggressive and returning cancers factor highly in those that affect younger women. The physical and emotional stress of the tour seemed horrific and she looked like a little worn-out mouse who was been carried around. It was like as if she felt she had to live up to the expectations of her fans, her stylist Will Baker, those around her and er, Will Baker. Only Danni seemed to voice family concerns of whether it was too soon.Kylie seemed like a sacrificial lamb! Shocking!
Dr Polly Fraser, London,
This should have been called "The William Baker Show" because instead of seeing and hearing what we'd hoped for...all we got was nauseating footage of Baker shedding tears after the reunion of Kylie with her sister, Baker lying all over Kylie on the carpet and Baker asking every question except those we wanted answers for. Yawn.
He was hired as a stylist yet has weasled his way into becoming creative director and now film director. He should stick with what he knows because poor tired Kylie could really use a good stylist right now. William Baker has abandoned the post in favour of his own climb to notoriety...romping for all to see as the best friend of every gay man's favourite pop princess. No wonder Oliver Martinez got out of there...
J Robertson, London, England
Maybe she didn't reveal very much, because, perhaps there isn't much there...even though, she did describe herself as an artist, she came across more of an actress, putting on the mask for the show, then being quite empty and dull when it was over, the problem was the man who made it, her best friend on the payroll, who lacked objectivity and also didn't want to upset her, or lose her friendship, so no penetrating questions etc., it was a very bland doc. Should of been called Magnolia Diamond...
Donna, Exeter, UK
It was a completely pointless documentary and I can imagine that most of the real and interesting footage has been left on the editing room floor. I learned nothing about Minogue and fell she should have given more of herself to her adoring fans. Oh well.
Ria, Orpington, Kent
Not being a fan of her genre of music,or her in particular, as I find her very inarticulate and bland and not in least bit interesting I had hoped a review of a "warts and all " (as this was touted as being) documentary may encourage me to see what people see in her.Sadly this review and others in similar vein have done nothing to inspire me to want to see it as it seems there is so very little to find out.And her music is still juvenile vacuous tat to my ears.Still thank goodness for diversity as humans would be doomed without our differences.!! No doubt the fans lapped it up though it is now about the 5th version of this show one way or another.
M McGregor, Tunbridge Wells, UK
I saw "White Diamond' and loved every second of it... but Mr. Baker would have to do 'A Year In The Life of Kylie' before we saw the Real Ms. Minogue.
That said I think one of the reasons we love Kylie so much, is for the very fact she's a mystery to us. There a countless 'celebs' out there desperate for the public to read about every little aspect of their boring lives. Thankfully, Kylie is not one of them and doubtless never will be. I mean just think how many volumes of her autobiography there would be, but she has chosen to keep her private life just that.
You do see another side to Kylie in this film, just how funny she really is! A highlight is her impression of Nicki from last years Big Brother. Baker also asks what her favourite 'walk' is on the stage... Kylie perhaps telling replies: "The walk home..."
Highly Recommended *****
Neil Garrity, Bolton, England
I was moved deeply by the film, because after seeing her Homecoming show in Melbourne, I felt that she was a different artist, and somehow still as much a showgirl and performer as ever, yet so much more human, like she was speaking to each and every one of us personally and she knew that we were so very proud of her. This film just compounded that view for me.
It would seem that is almost not possible that she could be so down to earth and so unlike a diva, even when computer's crash and put a pause to a performance, she remains all smiles. And to see her tears (yes, she most certainly does cry) and her obvious anxiety as she approaches the stage for her first Homecoming show, her first public perfomance after her diagnosis, it just made me love her all the more.
After 20 years of adoration, she continues to inspire and delight me.
Nadia, Melbourne, Victoria
Greetings from Oz. After following the person we affectionately call "our girl" for the entirety of her career, this film shows us that she truly is a star and just as we suspected...we were right all along.
Your article probably does tell it like it is...you do have to be a true fan to not fade, but our understanding is that is who this is for anyway.
We got to laugh (and I mean really laugh) and giggle with her. We DID get to see her cry (you weren't watching, were you!). And we think we got a taste of Kylie's more personal side in the soundtrack and again, we were right all along.
Kylie, you're fabulous and we wouldn't change a thing.
Your adoring Everton Park Fan Club, Brisvegas, Sunny Oz
Danielle & Philip, Brisbane, AUSTRALIA
The film showed Kylie to be the down to earth,caring and humble person that I have always been sure that she is.
William Baker said he wanted to show people this but I really feel that we do know this as it always comes through her songs,performances and the dignity she always shows.
Maybe we havent learnt much more about her true personal life but for her fans it was a real treat to see Kylie in a more natural setting than a rare interview.
I wouldnt want to see her filmed being 'at home' as everyone deserves a personal life and I prefer to not know everything.
shelley, Northants,
I saw "White Diamond' and loved every second of it... but Mr. Baker would have to do 'A Year In The Life of Kylie' before we saw the Real Ms. Minogue.
That said I think one of the reasons we love Kylie so much, is for the very fact she's a mystery to us. There a countless 'celebs' out there desperate for the public to read about every little aspect of their boring lives. Thankfully, Kylie is not one of them and doubtless never will be. I mean just think how many volumes of her autobiography there would be, but she has chosen to keep her private life just that.
You do see another side to Kylie in this film, just how funny she really is! A highlight is her impression of Nicki from last years Big Brother. Baker also asks what her favourite 'walk' is on the stage... Kylie perhaps telling replies: "The walk home..."
Highly Recommended *****
Neil Garrity, Bolton, England