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When Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull had its premiere at Cannes on Sunday it split critical opinion down the middle. It provoked emotive reactions, generated, one suspects, by the clash of genuine Indy affection with unforgiving marketing hysteria. Our own chief film critic, James Christopher, saw a movie that was “fantastic” and a “marvellous return to form”. I, on the other hand, respectfully beg to differ, and to deliver a few handy hints to those prospective Crystal Skull viewers (ie, the entire world) expecting to have their nostalgia deftly tapped and to witness an old-school 1980s action adventure reborn before their very eyes.
First, it’s not very good. In fact, it’s the worst in the series. It is a tribute movie to everything that’s gone before, but one that’s devoid of a life and a mission of its own. It sends Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) and a host of sidekicks, good and bad, into the Amazonian jungle in search of the mysterious skull of the title. The skull, it transpires, might be from an alien civilisation and it might just have the power to control the collective mind of the human race, but this hardly seems to matter. Instead, the plot is just a creaky frame upon which to hang conspicuous nods to the three previous Indy flicks.
Hence we have the truck chase from Indy 1, the torture scene from Indy 2 and the dangling abyss from Indy 3. Yet here these moments have been rehashed by the creators Steven Spielberg and George Lucas to satisfy the desires of fans rather than the immediate needs of their story. When Indy finds himself in a lengthy mano-a-mano fistfight with a hulking Russian soldier, complete with steel-hammer sound effects, it’s not because the movie needs it but because the series dictates it and because someone out there might think that it’s kinda cool.
Secondly, the film has no resonance. Say what you like about Judaeo-Christian symbolism, but the Holy Grail and the Ark of the Covenant (previous Indy fetishes) had unspoken gravitas. The 1950s-set alien themes of Crystal Skull, instead, are just silly.
The movie tries to compensate with character, but everyone is cartoon thin. Cate Blanchett is a Russian heavy no more complex than Natasha Fatale from the Rocky and Bullwinkle series. Shia LaBeouf plays Indy’s son Mutt as a Wild One-era greaser and someone who is introduced solely and cynically to inherit the franchise once Ford retires (Lucas revealed this in Cannes), while John Hurt gamely channels the spirit of Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now, playing a wacko college professor whose mind is high on alien juice.
Despite all the grand rhetoric from Spielberg about a return to old-fashioned film-making, the movie goes CGI crazy. Computer-generated ants, prairie dogs and scorpions are gaudy and wearisome where once the real things would have been chilling (remember the snakes in Indy 1?). The entire climax, again wholly computer-generated, is so synthetic and meaningless that it makes you yearn for the gorgeous simplicity of Indy 2, where a man, a sword and a rope bridge finished that movie in high style.
Finally, there are hints of greatness. Indy sinking into Amazonian quicksand while explaining to Mutt the difference between wet and dry quicksand is one. Indy, now a retired war hero, being persecuted by McCarthyite witch-hunters is another (it’s dropped after the first act). The opening warehouse chase scene, a genuine taste of inventive old-school Spielberg, suggests a bravura action adventure movie to come. Sadly, we can but dream. And wait for the inevitable Indy 5.
12A, 124mins

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Thank God I could see the movie on the net for FREE two weeks after being released. Thank you pirates for saving my money being spent on THIS AWFUL THING... 25 years ago Lucas and Spielberg were in 1st line of modernity and freshness but today they've been overtaken by Finchers, Burtons, Bays....
Hostiopata, Spain,
You said it exactly the way I wanted to. The film opens up with me on the edge of my seat as I watch good ol Indy fly on a rocket sled and then climb into a refrigerator for refuge from a nuclear blast. It had such a strong opening that nothing could follow it! The first half was the good half!
Christa , Kailua, USA
I have now seen Indiana Jones 4 three times, and perhaps I've warmed up to the idea of a fourth film a little better. I was disappointed that the film relied on CG so heavily, and the abundance of animals in the film also irritated me. That aside, I really enjoyed the movie. I give 3/5.
Justin, Pontiac, United States
Possibly the best and worst movie I have seen all year. Some excellent Indy moments and CGI punctuated by bad dialogue, backdrops and set design. Theres a couple of scenes where its clear they've either run out of budget for the set or have had to hastily reshoot in studio and it shows.
Nik Bartlett, Chippenham, UK
Indy is an archeologist, yes? Could we not have a plot that had a tie with -real- historic events? When I saw they were going down the alien route, I could "smell the cheese" coming. The add the CGI effects and well... it killed the classic. Last Crusade is still #1, followed by Raiders.
Rick, Boise,
For those criticising, try remembering that actually the first 3 were not very good, and were only a slightly better than the tv shows they copied. The reason they lived in everybodies mind for so long is because of the looking back..and the marketing which kept them alive in peoples minds. Go INDY
bob, Shanghai,
Boring, boring, boring - rubbish story line - plastic skull?? - overplayed special effects ... this is milking an established formula for serious financial gain !!
1 out of 5 and that's generious
RMcA, maidenhead,
Additional point - the film seriously glamourised the carrying and use of a flick knife .. for a young audience this is unbelievable.
RMcA, maidenhead,
It's simple really...when you have the best people in the world making a movie (I'm a huge fan of Speilberg and Lucas) You can't end this movie without something spectacular from Indianna Jones .The ending was the equal to having Rocky win his last fight with a tko..George and Steve need inspiration
Scott, Bellingham,Wa, usa
This film is terrible, if you have found an ounce of enjoyment in this film then you need to look at your film watching habits and try and break them and go in search of true film making genius which is out there but doesn't get the coverage it deserves...
It was great to read an honest review!
Ian Gray, Haywards Heath, England
Whilst I left the cinema having enjoyed the film, I was disappointed by the lack of decent storyline and the frankly pointless first 30 mins. And really, aliens?
Anne, Norwich, UK
It did feel a bit tired. There were some great moments, but the overall story felt as old as Ford himself. Basically it boils down to Indy Lite, and I think the Aliens were the achilles heel. Religious artifacts do have more inherent gravitas, maybe Indy just found them all in the meantime...
Ross Liversidge, Ripon, UK
Total waste of time & $$$$$$$. Nothing but recycled junk...and poorly done at that. A real disappointment.
Ron, New York, USA
I hate all these negative reveiws, the movie was excellent. The special effects were excellent and story very good. I loved it.
AL.x, sydney,
What absolute rubbish from your previous reviewer. This is an excellent film, with perhaps a few poor editing decisions when the final cut was assembled.
leon dennett, Oxford, United Kingdom
There is just no plot. When they pulled out that tired old nut about space aliens in the first scene (I'm from Roswell, NM, was there in 1946 and thats garbage) I knew where it was going and nearly left, and against my hopes it didn't get better. Also hate to say it, but Ford aged well, Allen?
byers, SF, CA, USA
Was this Tomb Raider or Indianna Jones? I couldn't tell. I mean, an old man surviving a nuclear explosion by riding the blast out in a fridge? Psychic aliens? One of the worst films i have ever seen. 3/10
Chris, Nottingham,
i agree. it's just not a very good Indian Jones film. the dialogue is not as snappy as usual. the storyline is simply silly. and silly without being exciting or funny. just plain silly. it's all knowing nods to the Indy industry. and most disappointing of all, the acting is pretty bad in places.
Steen, Epsom, UK
Rocky revivals, Indy revivals - the stench of desperation is inescapable. Everyone will get what they expect, that isn't entertainment.
Stuart, Manchester, England
Wrong, pal. This new Indy is a perfect addition to the venerable series. Spielberg and Lucas used to tip their hats to 30's B'pix, now they have the luxury of tipping their collective hats to tropes and rhythms they themselves created. Bully for them! A great fun ride - sorry you missed it.
Robert Wright, Atlanta, USA
Excuse me, but what kind of dunce goes to see an Indiana Jones film and finds fault with the fact that it's an Indiana Jones film?
You just replace Sean Connery, the Nazis, the Holy Grail and Christ with Karen Allen, the Russians, the Crystal Skull and some Area 51. What exactly has got worse?
Patrick Simpson, Oxford, UK
I think there should be an international law: No CGI allowed in a sequel of Indiana Jones. I agree with this reviewl. Thank you for mentioning the ants that ruined the whole movie for me. And the ending scene. I did hope that they couldn't torture me with another disapointment so close to the end.
Jarkko Järvinen, Tampere / Bern, Finland / Switzerland
I saw the film last night and I enjoyed it for what it was - an entertaining action film. There were great action sequences and funny wisecracks. Definitely worth the cinema admission fee.
remy mohamed, London, England
96% of punter reviews on IMBD have slated the film. I saw it last night, it is a huge let down. I agree with this review. Most people exiting the theatre were groaning too. I wonder why some critics give it such high praise (original times review, empire etc) Are there brown envelopes involved?
David Keating, London, UK
Thank goodness there is still a free press in the UK. This film is truly horrible. It starts off normally but progressively turns into farce. It is more accurately described as a 'Scary Movie' style parody of the trilogy. Even worse, the special effects are badly done. The movie feels cheap.
Clinton, Edmonton, Canada
I agree with you fully. I was really excited for this movie, but I was sort of dissappointed when I walked out of the theater.
Paul, Sandy, U.S.A
Just came back from the cinema and sadly I have to admit it was one of the biggest dissappointments I have experienced in the past couple of years. Even the new "Rambo" was a masterpiece compared to this. The story was rubbish, not to say practically inexistant. Absolutely boring; what a shame.
A. Thomas, Vienna, Austria
Funny, but the previous Times review gave it 4 stars. Were you watching the same picture?
ken edwards, sheffield, uk
I havn't seen the film, but from what the review says it sounds great! I will see it tonight.. nothing like the razor-sharp direction of spielberg and the wittiness of Harrison Ford. I just hope it delivers the tense moments of the previous three... and i think Kevin just hates sequels full stop!
Harvster, Slough, UK