Ten years have past since The X-Files last wafted mysteriously into our cinemas, and much has changed in the world of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. The X-Files: I Want to Believe (just how irritating is that title?) rejoins the pair in a new life, and there’s not an alien life form in sight. Both have parted company with the FBI. Scully is now some kind of super-medic; part paediatrician, part faith healer, who is capable of performing cutting-edge stem-cell therapy after a few minutes of research on the internet, a large syringe full of goo and a brain saw. Mulder meanwhile has been ignominiously drummed out of the force. Several unanswered charges still hang over his head and a crazed, conspiracy-theorist beard obscures his chiselled, all-American good looks.

But with a young agent missing and a psychic, convicted paedophile priest (Billy Connolly) leading the bureau on a treasure hunt for dismembered body parts, it seems that the FBI is more in need of Mulder and Scully’s talents than ever. Approached by the bureau with a message of conciliation, Scully encourages Mulder to meet agents of his former employer to discuss the case. This is an important point, as she spends the rest of the film nagging him to walk away from the whole mess. Their pointless, prickling arguments play out more like a screenwriter’s attempt to boost the dramatic tension than a genuine conversation between two people who care deeply about each other.

Connolly gives a decent performance as a man whose profound disgust at his own proclivities hasn’t made him give up his hope of salvation and faith in God. It’s a theme that runs through the entire film – Scully too finds her faith tested, despite her default setting of snippy scepticism. Connolly’s finest moment comes when the torment of his visions causes him to bleed from the eyes.

The film critic’s natural response would normally be to use this image as a neat analogy for the experience of watching the film. Except that The X-Files isn’t eye-bleedingly terrible. It’s just not very good; it’s an average episode of the TV series stretched to feature length. And, despite the grotesque medical practices that perk up the third act, ultimately the film feels unnecessary. Mulder continually reiterates the fact that he “wants to believe”, and even shaves off his conspiracy beard to prove the point. I would settle for just caring one way or another.

15, 105 minutes

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