Twilight is a supernatural sex education movie for lovesick Goths. It’s a terrifically potty fantasy about a pale and moody teenage girl, Bella (Kristen Stewart), who falls in love with even paler and moodier boy in her gloomy new high school in the middle of rainswept nowhere. The anguish is exquisite.

The fact that Edward (Robert Pattinson) has been 17 for the past 90 years, and drinks pints of animal blood, does not impede the deeply conservative romance that Catherine Hardwicke has carved from Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling novel.

Bella’s unique scent is “pure heroin” for Edward, but the soulmates dare not go all the way. The chalk-white vampire, with purple eyebrows and a Brylcreem quiff, will not sink his teeth into the tender throat of his beloved in case he can’t control himself. Bella would like nothing better than a good ravishing. But unprotected bites are as taboo as sex between mortals and corpses. The two hormonal teenagers sizzle like sausages in a frying pan.

Twilight: The vampire bites back

Watch out for that creaky coffin lid... the toothy ones are set to invade our screens once more, says Wendy Ide

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Related Internet Links

• Stephenie Meyer - Official site

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BACKGROUND

• Stephenie Meyer's Twilight book scrapped after Internet leak

• Fancy man: Robert Pattinson

• Harry Potter goodie Robert Pattinson finds vampire fame

• The sexless vampire who’s so seductive

• Hollywood goes girly

BACKGROUND

• Twilight

Related Links

• Ten ways to hype your way to a hit

Edward vents his frustration on local jocks who foolishly try to jump his girlfriend in dark alleys. The supernatural stunts don’t disappoint. Neither does the deadpan wit. But the shivery thrills when an evil trio of rogue vampires drift into town are unfortunately more Buffy than Bauhaus.

12A, 122 minutes

Trailer: The Twighlight Saga: New Moon

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