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Schott's Oscar Almanac
People think it's difficult to win an Academy Award, but that's a myth
perpetuated by Hollywood insiders - it's a private club and they want to
keep out the foreigners. Here are ten easy tips to help you to take home the
Little Gold Man:
1 BE A WORLD-CLASS SCHMOOZER
Getting people to see your film is much less important than getting them to
talk about it - and it all starts with you. When people say “Have you seen
..?” nobody wants to seem stupid or out of the loop. Shame people into
thinking that they're backing the right horse even though they've never seen
it run - it's worked in politics for decades. This is how a buzz grows to a
roar on a film nobody will ever see, but will all smile knowingly when it
wins the award.
2 HAVE GOOD HAIR
Everyone loves good-looking people. Whether they're in front of the camera or
behind the scenes, people want the lookers up there on stage. Manicures,
pedicures, waxing, Botox - you need the full human carwash to compete with
the big boys. In this age of YouTube, hi-def TV and a hundred glossy
magazines, one bad look lives forever and can cause untold damage. So show
some cleavage (ladies only, please) and flash those pearly whites - there's
nothing worse than an ugly winner. There's a very logical reason they don't
have an Oscar for Best Transportation Guy.
3 CAST A HAS-BEEN
There's a group of actors that everybody admires, often referring to them as
“actor's actors”. This is a nice way of saying that nobody wants to cast
them in anything decent since they're either way past their prime, still
addicted to something (such as their own former glory) or have appeared in
too much crap that pays their mortgages and exes. The Academy loves a
comeback. Of course, they may be has-beens for a reason, which you'll
discover on your first day of shooting, if they bother to show up at all.
4 DO SOMETHING SCANDALOUS
Commit a crime. Plunder your own company. Use dodgy tax loopholes to finance
your film. Anything involving sexual allegations gets you particular brownie
points. Most of the voters have spent their lives doing horrible, illicit
things - a huge part of their motivation for working in Hollywood in the
first place. Otherwise they'd be dentists. Nobody wants to be reminded of
how normal people act; they want to know that you're one of their kind,
complete with complex perversions and deep, deep moral flaws.
5 LIVE IN LOS ANGELES
This may sound obvious, but you gotta be in it to win it. If you've made the
unfortunate choice to base your career in either New York or London (nowhere
else remotely counts), the odds are stacked against you. In LA, where the
bulk of the voters reside, daily routines are as precise as the expensive
timepieces strapped to their slender wrists. They share adjectives that
apply only to Hollywood - they dine, valet, copulate, vacation, litigate and
rehab together. If you're doing these things in the wrong place, you're
doing it for naught.
6 SHOW UP EVERYWHERE
This is a corollary to living in Los Angeles. If any award is given to your
film by any organisation, show up personally, give a self-congratulatory
speech and move on to the next event. Bob and weave, bob and weave - it's
like one long heavyweight title fight. The awards season has a rhythm all
its own, and voters get caught up in the hype like any other group. The fact
that your film was runner-up at the Cuban Alzheimer Film Festival for the
Blind isn't important - you're a winner (almost) and people love winners.
7 DON'T BE AFRAID TO GET DIRTY
You have to play both sides of the ball, offence and defence. While loudly
talking up your own film you should be quietly disparaging everyone else's.
Nothing should be traced back to you, of course, but seeds should be firmly
planted at every opportunity. That nominated film based on an amazing true
story? I heard there's an elderly but still vital eyewitness in Bolivia who
says the film-makers made up half the story. That heart-wrenching adaptation
of the bestselling book? Sure it was beautiful to watch, but wasn't the
novel much better? And don't stop with the movies - feel free to slander the
film-makers too; all's fair in Hollywood and the Oscars.
8 HIRE THE PROFESSIONAL GOONS
Behind the scenes of every nominated film is a team of cold-blooded assassins
known as “publicists” or “Academy consultants”; these lovely ladies make
Mossad look like Girl Scouts. Since every vote counts here is a sample of
how these professionals operate: they show up at a retirement home in Zurich
where two ancient Academy members happen to be clinging to life. Armed with
a portable DVD player, your film, fairly sturdy duct tape and a proxy
ballot, they emerge 100 minutes later with two more crucial votes in the
bank. You want them on your side - and you don't want them on the
competition's side.
9 TAKE CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING
Even if 20 other people helped to produce the movie, be firm and clear that
you did everything single-handedly. That $50 million budget? Came out of
your own pocket. The tear-jerking scene whose clip seems to run on a loop at
every award show? Youridea, not the writer's, director's or actors'. The
concept of marrying sound to picture to create a “movie”? All you. This is
not the time or place to be modest. Luckily you're not anyway, but, more
importantly, there's an award to be won.
10 MAKE AN AMAZING MOVIE
Produce an acclaimed film that is universally hailed by critics; top your
achievement by delivering a worldwide commercial success. Create a work of
art that resonates with audiences everywhere, guaranteeing it a place in
cinematic history that will be remembered for generations to come as a
seminal, significant Film.
Or not. That last one isn't really that important.
James Christopher's Oscar predictions
BEST PICTURE
Will win No Country for Old Men.
Should win There Will be Blood. The Coens are 1980s style merchants - that's
when most voters last woke up.
BEST DIRECTOR
Will win Julian Schnabel for The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
Should win The Coens for No Country ... Schnabel's eye-blinker will embarrass
the Academy into voting for it.
BEST ACTOR
Will win Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will be Blood.
Should win Daniel Day-Lewis
BEST ACTRESS
Will win Julie Christie.
Should win Julie Christie.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Will win Javier Bardem for No Country ...
Should win Casey Affleck for Jesse James.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Will win Cate Blanchett for I'm Not There.
Should win Tilda Swinton for Michael Clayton. This is the hardest to call. I
love both of these performances.
