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OK, you're a beautiful actress with the world's designers at your feet. Literally. Look, there they are, pinning, tucking, pleading. You know that even if the Oscars' claims about one billion viewers is a wild overestimate, quite a lot of people will eventually see the photos. So why, in the name of Mother Mary and your agent, pick a frock that makes you look like a washed-up crazee mermaid? Or worse still (incredibly, there is a worse) like a washed-up crazee bride?

Admittedly most of you got married on a beach or up a tree, or OK! magazine chose your wedding kit, but keep your thwarted white-dress dreams to yourself. Honestly, we'll all feel better that way.

And yes, there's a recession going on and you don't want to look like insensitive, pampered monsters. Perhaps some of the smaller houses decided not to invest in the awards this season. But don't patronise us. We don't like to think of our movie stars having to wear hand-me-downs from Strictly Come Dancing. If you must, at least get them altered so that they fit.

Something very strange takes hold of an actress at this time of year. The imperative to look much older and wear something very uncomfortable and almost identical to every other red carpeteer overcomes her. Unless, that is, she is old, then she wants to dress like a two-year-old. Call it the Stepford Oscars effect.

It's enough to put you off strapless, fishtails, flesh-toned gowns for ever. There were outfits out there that were literally the colour of nothing.

There are beautiful dresses emanating from the world's fashion houses all the time. Sadly, on Sunday night, they were scarcely to be seen.

The girls and their gowns ...

Anne Hathaway

We know she's The Wholesome One, but isn't turning up as a pint of milk taking things a bit far? A beautiful woman in a beautiful Armani Privé dress. This must have looked amazing on the rail, but together they're about as exciting as whey.

Dress: 8/10 For being very, very pale: 3/10

Angelina Jolie

You know it's a bad night when a black strapless dress - this one's by Elie Saab - wipes the floor (don't they know how to take up a hem in Hollywood?) with everyone else. This is how you dress when you are very, very beautiful and don't really need clothes

Dress: 6/10 For those fabulous emerald earrings: 12/10

Penélope Cruz

Apparently this is 60 years old. The dress that is, although this Balmain vintage couture is wearing a hell of a lot worse than Sophia Loren, and dragging the gorgeous Penélope down with it. If she was worried about being cold, we could have lent her our 13-tog duvets.

Dress: 4/10 For reminding us of a Spanish flamenco doll: 7/10

Whoopi Goldberg

One of our favourites. No, we haven't lost our minds. If you're a comedic actress with a huge personality, a body that isn't a size zero and you don't want to rule out walking, breathing and (controversial thought) eating, how else are you going to dress? Interesting point: this print doesn't make her look bigger than she is.

Dress: 7/10 For joie de vivre: 10/10

Freida Pinto

On the plus side, it's not beige. In mitigation, she hasn't had much red carpet experience. But we have, and we know that one-sleeve dresses with strange Spanx knicker effects are rarely a triumph. But she looks so cute in this John Galliano that she almost gets away with it.

Dress: 5/10 For being this year's best ingenue: 8/10

Naomi Watts

Another contender for mermaid of the year, and for unfeasibly low-slung breasts. So that's two trends in one. But not good ones. Respect for wearing a shade we've never seen before. Oh yes we have, in a swamp.

Dress: 0/10 For inventing a new colour - dirt : 9/10

Sarah Jessica Parker

“Out of my way, peasants.” Full marks for clearing the red carpet in your Dior couture, SJP. Thing is, last time you wore a dress like this you got jilted. Did you learn nothing?

Dress: 3/10 For arrogance: 12/10

Tilda Swinton

Sometimes her choices work, sometimes they don't. But they are never dull. Allow us a mini fashion moment while we swoon at the sheer elegance and unpredictability of this Lanvin outfit. It might not play to mainstream Oscar taste. Believe us, that's a good thing.

Dress: 8/10 For proving that strapless and frou frou are not legal requirements on the red carpet: 11/10

Nicole Kidman

And my next Oscar will be...for achieving a frown. Can she walk in this L'Wren Scott number? Was she hoisted on to the stage and hoisted off? Is she leaking, or is that a credit crunch firework display going off round her ankles?

Dress: 3/10 For being weirdly mesmerising: 6/10

Sophia Loren

In one, admittedly rather crucial, respect (the visual), this Armani Privé gown is spectacularly hideous. But it also has a certain brilliance. That corsetry has got more engineering than the Clifton Suspension Bridge. It's making our jaws drop. No chance of that happening with Sophia's though.

Dress: 5/10 For having the nerve:9/10

Kate Winslet

You can't blame her for wanting to play things classically, and this charcoal silk YSL worked a treat on TV screens. From the clavicle up, Kate looks flawless and, boy, hasn't she learnt to work an earring? But something gets lost in the translation to still pictures - her youth. This ages her by a decade.

Dress: 6/10 Look, she won the Oscar, OK? 10/10

Additional reporting by Alice Olins

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