So, where did it all go so wide-hipped and pear-shaped for Ms Spears? Why
couldn’t she just go the Shakira route and, in between hip-shaking and
making millions, study the history of western civilisation at UCLA?
Looking back, let’s see if we can spot any telltale signs...
1. Humble Beginnings
Our Britters was born in Kentwood, Louisiana in 1981 to a building contractor
and teacher. A keen performer in church choirs, she failed an audition to
get into the Disney Club aged eight because she was too young. All was not
lost though, the show’s producer liked her and put her in touch with a New
York agent. Let’s repeat again how old she was, eight. And
already she’s pulling a Melanie Griffith Working Girl move. Smart.
2. The Disney Years
In fact, Spears was only a member of the hallowed club, most recent alumni
including Vanessa
"I am so sorry about the naked snaps" Hudgens, from the ages
of 11-13. After a year back at school, she was back in New York auditioning
for pop bands aged 15. Her demo tapes landed on Jive Records desk - they
immediately sign her up for her “commercial appeal.”
At the time, she no doubt drew bubbly hearts next to fellow Mouseketeer and
dreamboat Justin Timberlake’s name in her diary. Or maybe, seeing as she had
already had an agent for eight years, she (or perhaps her parents/record
company/manager/dietician) recognised that there could be good brand synergy
between them.
3. Baby, One More time
Aged 17, Britney arrived. Britney the jailbait global phenomenon, that is.
There are varying interpretations of the significance of Baby, One More
Time. Some argued it was a monster pop anthem by a teen diva worthy of
picking up Madonna’s baton. Indeed, Rolling Stone Magazine declared it the
25th best pop song of all time.
The counter argument was that if you start your career dressed as a sexed-up
schoolgirl, sucking on a lollipop and singing about S&M, it’s always
going to be tough carving anything much more substantial out of the remains.
Tricky call.
4. Britney - the
Virgin years
Kicking George "is he gay?" Michael and the WMD conspiracies into
the dirt, the "have Justin and Britney done it?" question spurred
on the greatest smoking gun search of the early Noughties. A few voices
started to wonder if there was some conflict in her professed girl-next-door
lifestyle and crazed, man-eating strumpet image. Most likely, Britney
herself was a little confused. Was she coolly masterminding her "angel
in the kitchen and devil in the bedroom" image, or living one big fat
lie?
It was around this time that she also knocked out four albums, all going to
number one on the US charts and all of which featured at least one good
song. You'll also probably remember that snog with Madonna?
5. ‘The lost childhood’ phase
Here is where the "telltale" signs got louder than a thundering
freight train trying to wake someone who has decided to have a nap on the
tracks. In 2004, we had the "joke-too-far" wedding in Las Vegas to
childhood friend, Jason Allen Alexander. Annulled before the hangover even
had time to kick in, a court rules Plaintiff Spears “lacked understanding of
her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to the
marriage.” In other words, she was too sozzled to speak.
The apparently out-of-character behaviour is what laid the ground for the "lost
childhood’ theory - which really took hold during Hairgate (see number 9).
It’s a compelling one. Like a battery chicken egg plopped out onto a
conveyor belt, Spears was groomed for stardom from the word go. By 17, she
was richer than a small country and her professional role in life was to be
the underage girl it was ok for every pervy uncle to like. Maybe her need
for the security of marriage was an attempt to reclaim the family life she’d
never had? It was during this period that the "maybe she's just not
very bright" theories began to circulate.
6. Toxic
Punctuating her marriages was the truly
amazing hit single, Toxic. The video featured "schoolgirl"
Britney all grown up and, in an even tighter uniform, reborn as "air
hostess" Britney. She also appeared virtually naked, modesty "protected"
by a few well-placed diamonds. Have you watched the video recently? It makes
her current "stripper" phase seem positively apple-pie wholesome.
Perhaps we could see the seeds of the current “nudity at home” charges (see
number 10) levelled at her by her 25-stone minder sewn around...here.
Thinking about it, haven’t we covered Britney not wearing many clothes
before? Perhaps the difference is, it’s ok if it’s in a "professional"
context and in order to titillate millions of people. Mmmm.
7. K Fed. The
children. The step-children. Whisper it, post-natal depression?
By the time she enticed backing dancer Kevin Federline away from his pregnant
girlfriend and announced she was taking a sabbatical, Britney had been in
the fame game for 15 years. Like boiling water to a Pot Noodle, she wasted
no time in making a "family". Popping out Sean Preston and Jayden
James, she got the "no-need-to-pull-anymore-bloat" and shyed away
from the limelight by starring in her own TV show, Britney and Kevin:
Chaotic.
8. D . i . v . o . r .
c . e and the "who really wants to go the gym anyway?" era
Party time for Britney! You could see her logic. I’ve married a man who makes
an album called Play With Fire, while partying with other women when
I’m pregnant. He also wears his hair in cornbraids. He may also want a slice
of my $100 million fortune. Dump him! And, to get over it, if Paris and
Lindsay can get monstered on drugs, collapse in nightclubs and take
vacations in rehab, why can’t I? I’m young, I can afford a nanny, or 10, to
stop me dropping the kids on the floor when I’m trying to slurp on a soda,
talk on my mobile and drive my Mercedes all at the same time. Who cares if
Bette Midler wants to call me a “wild and woolly slut”? At least I’m not
making cheap pornos like Paris, hmph! Actually, that gives me an idea for my
next video...
9. Hairgate
The moment when we all felt complicit. Looking like a cross between a boiled
egg and Ripley in Alien, Britney’s blearily gleeful stare in February,
seemed to bore deep into our souls. This was clearly a CRY FOR HELP.
The pathos of the scenario was ratcheted up even further when the
hairdresser revealed that Britney only cried, “when she said she was worried
about what her ‘Mom’ would think.” Cue much pontificating about how shaving
all her hair off, wearing a ring that said F**k, getting tattooed and
generally going for a one woman grunge revival was her bid for a new start.
Britney was "acting out", symbolically ridding herself of the
bondages of fame that had suffocated her for so long, this was her moment of
self-authorship. She was...taking control.
10. Talk-to-the-Muff
But, and it might not have been a surprise to all, Britney thought screw "reaching
in", let's relaunch my career. So, we got Spears flashing her bits at
every tabloid long lens on "muff duty" and acting heroically
off-the-wall, with one rehab spell ending after she reportedly scrawled 666
onto her head, ran around screaming "I am the Antichrist!" There
was a terrifically seedy LA club tour, some horrific fashion disasters,
before events climaxed with her "catastrophic comeback" on last
week’s MTV Video Music Awards. A move so disastrous, the network probably
sent an ambulance driven by a laughing bank manager to pick her up and take
her to the show.
Now her management team have dropped her, her lawyer has quit, an ex-minder
has pitched in saying he has concerns "regarding nudity, drug use and
the safety of children," and a judge has ruled, as well as twice weekly
drug tests, she and Federline have to go to a “Parenting Without Conflict”
program in order to retain join custody of their children.
Just where are the advisors, friends and family telling her “you earn $350,000
a month, what about a nice, extended holiday. And while you're there, take a
look back on all your achievements and find some anti-depressants that work"?
Come to think about it, where were the advisors to counsel a 17-year-old
Rolling Stone cover star with a new boob job that breasts sell. But why not
wait a couple of years and grow your own?
Who was there to tell the then eight-year-old, "you might want fame now,
but ever heard of Michael Jackson?"
