EMI is getting tough with its recording artists. As you may have read recently, Guy Hands – head of EMI’s new owner, the private-equity group Terra Firma – is unimpressed with the slovenly work ethic of today’s musicians. A memo from Hands to EMI staff, which was leaked, called for “a fundamental change in the way we do business”. Hands has moved quickly to cut costs, slashing the vast amounts that were previously spent on candles, fresh fruit and flowers; and former BBC chief John Birt has been appointed to a supervisory board. But it’s not all about cutting florist’s bills and finding jobs for old director-generals. Following Hands’s comments, top EMI staff have been making it very clear just how they expect their artists to work with the label in future, as these further leaked memos reveal . . .

To: Mick Jagger

From: Head of Accounts Department

Re: Timesheets

Dear Mr Jagger

I write to you as a last resort, having failed to get a sensible answer to my requests from other members of your group. As I’m sure you are aware, it is vital to the running of any modern business that employees accurately fill in their timesheets. Unfortunately, when I contacted your colleague Mr Richards to find out why he hadn’t filled out any of his timesheets for 2006, his reply was, “What’s 2006?” As for Mr Watts, sending back a timesheet with “Five years playing drums. Forty years hanging about” scrawled across it does not meet the standards of detail and accuracy that our group needs to function. When I pointed out to Mr Wood that if we didn’t have accurately returned timesheets, then for all we knew he might have spent the past three decades playing snooker in a drunken haze, he merely laughed. I trust that you will be able not only to fill in your own timesheets, but to chivvy your colleagues into doing the same.

Yours, etc

To: Kate Bush

From: Head of Album Scheduling

Re: Productivity

Dear Ms Bush

As you will have seen in the recently circulated training DVD “EMI and You: Working Together (A Bit Harder)”, we expect our artists to produce an album every two years. Given the 12-year gap that preceded Aerial, I’m sure you’ve already realised that to keep up your average, we are expecting six albums from you in the next 12-month period. Please let me know if you anticipate any problems with this. On a related matter, that song on Aerial, Mrs Bartolozzi, about the woman who cleans the whole house thoroughly and puts all the clothes in the washing machine – you know the one: “It took hours and hours to scrub it out” – is it based on a real person? If so, could you ask her to send in her CV?

Many thanks

To: 2D, Murdoc, Noodle and Russel

From: Payroll Department

Re: Missing data

Dear Gorillaz

Despite your failure to reply to any of our previous memos, I must ask you again to please provide us with your National Insurance numbers, which are unaccountably missing from your files.

Yours, etc

To: Bob Dylan

From: Guy Hands

Re: Job opportunity

Dear Mr Dylan

How are they treating you at Sony? It’s just that it’s been brought to my attention that you’ve spent the past couple of decades on something called “The Never-Ending Tour”. This is exactly the kind of work ethic I’m trying to promote here at EMI. Fancy a move?

Yours in admiration

To: UB40

From: Head of Marketing

Re: Band name

Hi guys

Some of the brighter young things here in marketing were having a discussion about band names and how we really need to ensure that they complement EMI’s new hard-working positioning. I imagine you can see where I’m going with this one. UB40? Does it send out the right message? Is it new-EMI-compatible? Answers: no and no. Could you give the matter some thought and come up with a new name somewhat sharpish?

Many thanks

To: Thom Yorke

From: Office Manager

Re: Personal belongings

Dear Thom

So sorry to hear that you and the rest of Radiohead have decided not to work here any more. Can I remind you that you have left quite a few personal belongings behind at your workstations, and we would be grateful if you could pop in and collect them. In particular, there is a large cardboard box marked “Big Guitar Songs with Huge Catchy Choruses” blocking the corridor. Do you want this or should we just chuck it?

Yours truly

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