It might seem like an act of arrant narcissism. In fact, it was borne of expediency. I was my own wedding DJ. Having found our venue, we were told that the only available days were either 18 months ahead or in five weeks. We chose the latter, but that gave us no time to find a DJ who: (a) wasn’t a highlight-haired man called Darren; and (b) would swear that, come the big day, he wouldn’t yield to the temptation to play Celebration by Kool & The Gang while making interjections on the microphone. So I compiled eight or nine CD-Rs and played them over the PA.

Among the confusion, we had forgotten that the first dance is a ritual in which people invest some significance. We hadn’t a clue what the first dance was to be. We checked the CD-Rs and decided that, of the choices available, Ask by the Smiths was the best bet. On one side of the room, my elderly black-clad Greek relatives experienced two subcultural phenomena for the first time: (1) Morrissey extolling the virtues of assertiveness as an aid to popping your cherry; (2) the indie-disco shuffle. They seemed unimpressed. On the other side of the room, my Wolverhampton inlaws wondered what sort of a free-form dancing goon their daughter had married.

What it all serves to underscore is that when it comes to gauging a decent wedding, music is the main signifier. With a little lateral thinking, your wedding can be immeasurably improved by tapping into pop’s vast resources. Read on!

THE WEDDING MARCH

It doesn’t have to be that piece of music. We had Spin a Cavalu by the Lilac Time – the sound of a doddery old town band unsteadily pacing through cobbled streets playing the tunes of true conjugal contentment.

Possibly because religious music isn’t allowed at civil ceremonies, people often make the mistake of thinking that secular music isn’t allowed at church weddings. Until recently Andrew Williams presided over weddings at the bustling parish of Finchley in North London. “People tend to be more conservative with their weddings than they are with their funerals,” he says. “All sorts of factors come into play here. Once a decision has been made to have a ‘traditional’ wedding, people yield to the expectations that come with tradition.”

So there’s no actual obligation to walk down the aisle to the wedding march? “No. Couples can be as creative as they like. When I was working at a parish in Ealing, our organist got married and for his wedding he had a choir and a four-piece rock band that set up at the high altar. They accompanied one or two hymns in the service – nothing too daring – but then, as the couple finished signing the registers, the congregation were asked to stand and the bride and groom left the church to the theme to Mission: Impossible.”

THE ENTERTAINMENT

As we all know, no one buys CDs any more. Happily, though, the death knell of the music industry can make your wedding bells chime that little bit more sweetly. If you’ve got a favourite band that isn’t Coldplay or Razorlight, contact their management. You might be surprised just how amenable they are. Scruffy Bird Management (0207-247 4464), which looks after Rumblestrips and the Young Knives, says the bands will play for the allinclusive cost of £10,000 and £15,000 respectively.

With little money to be made from selling records, Eighties stars are left with little choice but to diversify their portfolios. You want Martin Fry from ABC to sing at your wedding?

Then £9,000 plus VAT gets you a selection of hits, and for £14,000 he’ll turn up with a band (Blueprint Management, 0208 811 2870). If your budget doesn’t extend that far, then £3,000 gets you Lisa ScottLee from Steps and two dancers.

Alternatively, go niche. Teenage sibling rock’n’rollers Kitty, Daisy and Lewis are guaranteed to make any party swing. Folk singers are usually a nice bunch, and you could do a lot worse than enlist the services of the many-headed award-winning clattermongers Bellowhead for something in the region of £6,000.

Alternatively, get in touch with Circulus, Britain’s foremost practitioners of lysergic 14th-century rock’n’roll mayhem. “We’ve done a few weddings,” says the Circulus frontman Michael Tyack. “We did one where we played an old abbey on the outskirts of Coventry. Our crumhorn player even led on an arrangement of Everything I Do (I Do It For You) and improved it immeasurably.”

MUSICAL SURPRISES

One for the supporting cast: best man, maid of honour and other interested chums. Consider for a minute that the happy couple have favourite bands or singers, who in this online age, are easily contactable. If you come to them with an idea that tickles their fancy, then there’s every chance you may be able to get them to record a surprise message.

Neil Innes was asked to deliver a testimonial in the guise of his Rutle alter-ego Ron Nasty. XTC’s Andy Partridge went so far as to compose a song for one couple, albeit one entitled Don’t Do It. Following a request from a fan’s best man, Mike Heron of the Incredible String Band rerecorded the coda from their legendary 1968 13-minute wig-out A Very Cellular Song. “It sounds like a wedding blessing anyway,” Heron says, “so I didn’t actually need to change a single lyric.”

The key here is to alight on an idea that no one else has had, and capture the imagination of the person doing you an enormous favour.

THE FIRST DANCE

When Times readers were canvassed for their experiences, one responded: “A friend of mine whose business is based on his musical knowledge was picking the music for his wedding. He wanted to play Robert Wyatt’s Shipbuilding as he and his new wife walked down the aisle. Once I stopped laughing, I explained that it might not be best to do that to a song that was: (a) about the Falklands conflict; and (b) opens with the line, ‘Is it worth it?’ ” “Mine was Bring Me Sunshineand everyone laughed and cried,” says another reader.

Of course, the default choice of first dance for generations of newly-weds has been Unchained Melody. Anyone keen to subvert the convention and give their guests something they’ll never forget should type the phrase “cool wedding dance” into the search field on YouTube. Up comes just another Righteous Brothers smoochalong, until the needle slips across the record and into Sir Mixalot’s ripe booty anthem Baby Got Back. The ensuing dance routine would cheer up a dead man.

Meanwhile, Pineapple Studios offers one-to-one lessons for that all-important first dance.

THE DISCO

“What’s the difference between my wedding set and my normal set?” says the veteran Blow-Up DJ Andy Lewis. “Well, not that much really. But you’ve got to bring the Abba and the Boney M.”

Sean Rowley of Guilty Pleasures wonders if there’s really much difference between the fare played at his club nights and the clichéd mobile disco of yore. Finally, though, he alights on a crucial difference. “Your crap wedding DJ will play anything as long as it was a hit. To him, there’s no difference between Chesney Hawkes’ The One and Only and Abba’s Dancing Queen. He’d sooner play Undercover’s version of Baker Street than Gerry Rafferty’s. At the same time, you can’t be too clever at a wedding disco.”

Not where sound business is involved. Guilty Pleasures offers a bespoke wedding service in which an approved DJ and (depending on your outlay) a Guilty Pleasures dance troupe takes care of the reception rave. Prices range from £1,000 to £2,000.

“The consultation in itself can be quite revealing,” adds Rowley. “One bride asked for the first song to be Gordon Lightfoot’s If You Could Read My Mind – which, if you look at the lyrics, is a bit psycho. It’s like she was sending him a coded message to run away while he still had the chance.”

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