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TRACK OF THE DAY: Falling Down

WHO: Actress-singer-whatever Scarlett Johansson.

WHAT: Hollywood starlet attempts to stay too-cool-for-school by brandishing carefully constructed indie cloaking device

THE HYPE: ‘Will no doubt top some ‘best of 2008’ lists’ - NME

WE SAY: You have to wonder what the thought process is that brings stellar artists to the conclusion that they can succeed in a field outside of their indigenous domain.

In fairness, you and I are entitled to make career changes without being met with hoots of derision. Why, therefore shouldn’t Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves or Scarlett be allowed to make records?

Thing is, if I choose to stop writing for The Times to become a plumber, I’ll have to start at the bottom, while our Hollywood friends’ snare record company money that could arguably be spent on bands who have either earned the break or who have the ideas and skills that the public need to hear. People say that he English are begrudging of success – in this case, I feel it’s that we have a deep sense of meritocracy that resents the plenty-blessed getting any more blessings. Sure, Keanu’s Dogstar tried to pay their dues, but that was always a PR-friendly stance where nothing was on the line.

Usually, the end result of their endeavours is as palatable as stumbling upon Ian Beale and Mick Hucknall recreating Two Girls One Cup (if you don’t know what that is, I don’t suggest you Google it). At the top end, you have Kylie and Jennifer Lopez, and the likes of Milla Jovavich and Vincent Gallo who have escaped the gallows, but all in all, the wheat is resoundingly hidden by the chaff.

So what about ScarJo then? Well she’s not gone half measures. Bowie guests on her album, as do members of Yeah Yeah Yeahs, while TV On The Radio’s Dave Sirtek produces. But choosing to do an album of Tom Waits covers feels like a muddying of the waters – his isn’t the friendliest of back catalogues, so would any commercial failure be down to her or the material?

Wisely, the dreamy lo-fi psychedelia that coloured the Lost In Translation soundtrack is implemented here, meaning the widescreen cinematic feel is right. But then it all goes badly wrong. Short on warmth and with the graceful dexterity of an oiltanker, Johnannson’s voice carries the song like she’s using a pooper scooper. Waits’s beer bottle blues needs definition and emotion to give it flight, but this is lacking. It’s the audio equivalent of someone drumming their fingers on the steering wheel during a traffic jam.

The great thing is, when there are no high hopes, there’s no disappointment, so no harm done. I’ll never get those four minutes back though.

IF I ONLY KNOW ONE THING: Tom Waits was guarded when asked about the project. ‘I don’t know if I’m excited, but I’m curious,’ he rasped in that voice of his.

WHERE CAN I GET IT: Johansson’s album, Anywhere I Lay My Head, is out on May 19.

FIND MORE: http://gawker.com/5007228/stalk-scarlett-johansson-via-music-video

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