TRACK: Hoochie Coochie Man

WHO: Steven Seagal (yes, that one).

WHAT: Blues. Bluesy, bluesy, bluesy, bluesy blues: it ain't nothin' but the blues.

THE HYPE: "Even the amazing BB King was quoted as saying 'Steven is great at Guitar'." - stevenseagal.com

WE SAY: What is the point of all this 'Track of the Day' and 'Band of the Day' nonsense? Why do we do it? Well, other institutions will try to convince you that it's all about featuring something that's factory fresh, gloriously unknown or underground, and something that's so hip, trendy and cool it makes Russell Brand look about as stylish as Terry Christian (red jeans are just a no, no). The overall aim is to bring said record/act to the forefront of public consciousness and get those people buzzing. Oh, and to try and look "down wiv da kids". Those institutions have missed the point.

Sometimes you just want to listen to something familiar, the aural equivalent of a pair of comfy slippers, a pipe and a good book. Sometimes you just want to listen to something miserable, because to listen to someone else elucidate pain in song is possibly the cheapest cathartic therapy available in contemporary society. And sometimes you just want to listen to something funny and stupid, because that's the only way you're gonna get through the old nine-to-five grind.

And this is the time when only one man can help. This is the time when there truly is only one man for the job (imagine I'm talking in the velvety smooth and subterranean tones of that guy that used to do all the movie trailer voiceovers by the way). This is the time that you need... Steven F. Seagal.

Willie Dixon's 1954 blues standard Hoochie Coochie Man is one of the greatest songs ever committed to shellac. It's also one of Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs of All Time (number 225). It's a song written about a particular dance performed in America around the turn of the century (with a few obvious sexual connotations thrown in for good measure) and was definitively performed by the legendary Muddy Waters. It's a song that Steven Seagal should have left well alone.

With an overly slick production, a harmonica that sounds like a bassoon getting touched up in a dirty nightclub by an amorous accordion and vocals as laconic as a stoned Steven Wright performing stand-up comedy with the enthusiasm of a cow that's being herded into the slaughtering shed, Seagal's version of Hoochie Coochie Man gets virtually everything wrong. The tempo, the feel, the sheen that this version has is reprehensible.

Even the guitar solo is unintentionally hilarious; a fantastically nippy run of notes that are virtually incomprehensible to the human ear. I mean, I've heard Gary Moore do better and that's saying something, y'know? There's no obvious rhyme or reason for its inclusion, other than Seagal wanting to show off his skills, which are pretty limited. But then subtlety really isn't one of Seagal's strongest attributes, is it? After all, this is the man that has stated: "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol". Notice he didn't say musician.

So why, if it's so terrible, is Hoochie Coochie Man a Times Online Track of the Day? All of the above. If you don't crack a smile at this tune, you ain't breathing. Musos will decry Mr Seagal, and perhaps even myself, and I can understand why; this is the sound of a classic song being murdered after all.

However, it's just got something about it. I can't stop listening to it. It's like cheap aural amphetamines. I grin like a spaced out Cheshire cat every time I hear that terrible slide guitar noise. I lose all self control and start shuffling round the room like Cab Calloway when Seagal pronounces himself a "Hoochie Coochie Maaaaaiiiiinnn". Hell, it might possibly be my favourite song of all time. Yes!

IF YOU ONLY NEED TO KNOW ONE THING: Not content with being an actor, writer, director and, ahem, musician, Steven Seagal is also a reincarnated Tulku (a Tibetan Buddhist lama) named Chungdrag Dorje, a 17th century hidden treasure revealer of the Palyul Monastery. I bet that guy couldn't play blues guitar either.

WHERE CAN I GET MY HANDS ON IT: You can listen to Hoochie Coochie Man and other tracks from Seagal's second album Mojo Priest on his MySpace page. You can purchase Mojo Priest (and his debut Songs from the Crystal Cave) in physical or digital form at your music merchandiser of choice (BBQ is a BELTER). If you go the physical route, get them to chuck in a copy of Above the Law and once more revel in the sight of Det. Sgt. Nico Toscani kicking some serious Eighties butt. After all, it is the season of peace and goodwill...

FIND MORE: www.myspace.com/stevenseagalmojopriest | www.stevenseagal/music

This is the last column in the Track of the Day series

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