New York, Paris, Maidstone. For the last of three short shows to plug her current album Hard Candy, Madonna arrived by helicopter in the Kent countryside to headline Radio 1’s Big Weekend. Clearly the plan was to prove that a pop star who turns 50 in August can remain relevant to the kids. Instead, a sterile, soulless performance made Madonna resemble an embarrassing auntie desperately trying to be hip.

A crowd with cameraphones at the ready, crammed into a Big Top-style tent, had almost an hour to wait for pop’s greatest grande dame to arrive. The PA blasted out sweet-themed songs and the backdrop was girlie, pink swirls. When Madonna finally appeared, however, there was nothing sweet about her. Legs splayed over a black and gold throne at the top of stairs that doubled as one of various, inventive video screens, she wore an all-black outfit of silk coat, tracksuit trousers tucked into knee-length, lace-up boots, and leather, fingerless gloves.

Brandishing a silver cane like an S&M tool was meant to make her look tough and threateningly sexy. But with her trousers billowing above her boots like jodhpurs, she was less the raunchy temptress than the well-heeled woman in search of a horse.

Like much of the six-song, half-hour set, the opener Candy Shop suffered from muffled sound. Madonna has always valued spectacle over singing, but the bassy beats almost drowned her out and the tune, reasonably catchy on record, became a bland dirge. Four male dancers removed her coat, revealing a lacy top. A three-piece band was hidden to the side of the stage. For Miles Away, an ode to her husband, the film director Guy Ritchie, Madonna strapped on a guitar but neither looked as if she was genuinely strumming nor played anything audible. With her dancers briefly dispatched, the song left fans with little to watch through their phones.

The chart-topping single 4 Minutes was a vast improvement, even with Justin Timberlake – rumoured to be appearing in person – merely an image on rectangular screens across the stage, which Madonna spun round to release her dancers hidden behind. Supremely fit and with bulging biceps, the singer fared best when she joined her troupe in tightly choreographed routines. While her singing occasionally strayed off key, her fancy footwork was sure and never faltered.

Two old tracks got the best reception although, as Madonna made clear, she refuses to travel too far back in time.

The Abba-sampling hit Hung Up, from 2005, began with a steal from the Rolling Stones’ Satisfaction and was a given a grungey rework that felt as fake as Madonna’s overblown guitar-thrashing. A magnificent Music, meanwhile, closed the set and just about saved the show. Part of the stage spun round and out jumped dancers in Day-Glo attire. Madonna performed part of the song on her knees and fans finally got to sing along.

On the way out, the kids complained that she hadn’t sung Holiday, while the Mayor of Maidstone, Richard Ash, grumbled at the shortness of the set. Still, for one night only, it put Maidstone on the pop map.

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