Prezza’s figure under the mallet

John Prescott, the former Deputy Prime Minister, paused from recounting his bitterness at press inaccuracy to disclose to the Book Festival that the Croquet Association had recently presented him with a mallet in gratitude for raising the profile of the game.

Photographs of him playing the sport at Dorneywood while nominally in charge of the country boosted participation by “40-odd per cent”, he said, proudly.

In the interests of accuracy, we checked his figure with the association. “What?” replied a spokesman, who pointed out that the figure was 16 per cent.

Prezza also admitted that he has finally grown into his “Two Jags” nickname, having recently bought a Sovereign to accompany his XJS.

“My wife never liked going down in the very low seat of the XJS. I offered to go to Age Concern and get her one of those turntables. She wasn’t happy about that.”

Mark Goucher, the producer of West End hits such as The Vagina Monologues, does not do rail-replacement bus services.

When his train ground to a halt in the middle of Northumberland he began bartering with local taxi firms to take him to Edinburgh.

His willingness to pay the £150 fare is all the more impressive given that he doesn’t have a Fringe show this year.

John Bird, the Big Issue founder, perhaps realising that his discussion of dishonesty may not be the biggest draw at the Fringe, has arranged for a naked woman to accompany him on stage so he can sketch her while he speaks. This is not contrived, his press release insists, because he once felt so vulnerable during an interview that he wondered whether it would be fairer for his female interrogator to be naked. Now that's artistry.

Alfred Molina, currently filming Prince of Persia in Morocco, has flown in to see his wife. Jill Gascoine, best known as DI Maggie Forbes in The Gentle Touch, is performing in Sister Cities as a dying matriarch at the Gilded Balloon. He remained quiet during her scenes, but filled the room with a bark of laughter at one delicate moment, sending the audience into a fit of giggles.

Postscript

In ABFCAP: The Life and Rhymes of Ian Dury, at the Zoo venue, Josh Darcy plays Fred “Spider” Rowe, Dury’s minder. To research the role Darcy visited the formidable ex-con. Rowe was helpful, but his parting words (give or take a few consonants) were: “Don’t muck it up, you runt."

Will Young was welcomed to Silent Disco (club night; music is piped to dancers via earphones) at the Udderbelly with his hit Leave Right Now. Let’s hope that he didn’t take it the wrong way.

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