Clarkson:
the wit and wisdom, in full
Who gets your vote? Post your comments at the bottom of this article
It is not often that Liam Gallagher and Jeremy Clarkson appear in a list with
Noël Coward and Shakespeare. But according to a new survey they are among
Britain’s wittiest individuals.
The top ten places in the poll all went to men. The highest-ranking woman was
Baroness Thatcher, at number 12, who once remarked: “Being powerful is like
being a lady - if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”
The top spot went to Oscar Wilde, who once claimed that “to disagree with
three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of
sanity”. He was not known for his modesty and, for once, would probably have
been happy to agree with the verdict of all 3,000 people surveyed for the
digital television channel Dave TV.
Few would argue that the Dublin-born playwright, who spent much of his life in
England, was the master of the clever quip. Even on his deathbed in 1900, he
is alleged to have said: “My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the
death. One or other of us has got to go.”
Spike Milligan, the Goon Show creator who took second place in the poll,
delivered his final witty one-liner from beyond the grave. He died in 2002
after specifying that his tombstone should carry the line: “I told you I was
ill”.
Stephen Fry, in third place, is the highest-placed wit who has not yet met his
maker. He played Wilde in the 1997 film of that name and once quoted him
when passing through customs at an airport, announcing: “I have nothing to
declare but my genius.”
The comedian, actor and quiz-show host, once said that animal testing was
cruel because “they get nervous and get all the answers wrong”.
Jeremy Clarkson, the Top Gear presenter and newspaper columnist, is a more
surprising entry at number four.
His caustic comments have earned him a fan-base beyond those who care about
the vehicles he reviews. He is not noted for his eco-friendliness and once
said: “We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil.
And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an
EM Forster novel.”
In the world of sport, it was a late football manager who topped the league.
Years before José Mourinho lauded himself as “the Special One”, Brian Clough
- who won two consecutive European Cups with Nottingham Forest - declared:
“I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business, but I was in the top
one.”
“Cloughie” came in ninth place in the overall list, just behind Shakespeare
and one position ahead of the Oasis singer Liam Gallagher.
Those surveyed showed more appreciation for the wit of former politicians than
the comedic efforts of either Gordon Brown or David Cameron.
Sir Winston Churchill came in fifth thanks to his penchant for putdowns. When
accused by the Labour MP Bessie Braddock of being drunk, for example, he is
alleged to have replied: “Bessie, you are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be
sober.”
Boris Johnson, the foot-in-mouth-prone Conservative candidate for the
mayoralty of London, was the next-highest politician in the list. He managed
13th place. He once said: “Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger
breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.” Jane Austen was the
second-placed female at 15th. In her novel Persuasion she described one
character as “a man who had nothing but himself to recommend him”.
Nonetheless, 57 per cent of those surveyed thought women were less witty.
However, any men tempted to dust off their one-liners should perhaps take heed
of Noël Coward, who was ranked seventh. He once noted: “Wit ought to be a
glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.”
I say, I say, I say
1 Oscar Wilde “Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast”
2 Spike Milligan “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t
make me happy”
3 Stephen Fry “An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library
must be full of them”
4 Jeremy Clarkson “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming
stationary . . . that’s what gets you”
5 Sir Winston Churchill “A politician needs the ability to foretell
what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And
to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen”
6 Paul Merton “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly
mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. If they
don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
7 Noel Coward “People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used
to be. It is what it used to be. That is what’s wrong with it.”
8 Shakespeare “Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have
them, they want everything”
9 Brian Clough “The River Trent is lovely, I know because I have walked
on it for 18 years”
10 Liam Gallagher “She [Victoria Beckham] cannot even chew gum and walk
in a straight line at the same time, let alone write a book.”
Liam Gallagher is great! But Noel's Wittier. What about David Mitchell? He's probably one of the wittiest people to have ever existed.
Jonny, Shropshire,
Liam Gallagher on that list only proves that there are too many Oasis fans, so they voted him, i'm an oasis fan too but i think well, Noel Gallagher, maybe but Liam wit? No, that's not right.
NatalÃ, BahÃa Blanca,, Buenos Aires, Argentina
It's especially worth noting that this survey is from the TV channel 'Dave', which is aimed squarely at 20-30something males, and most of the men on that list are hosts or regular guests on the programs they show. Taking the results of this 'new survey' - which sounds rather more like a phone-in poll - as a valid representation of Britain is as ridiculous as asking someone eating at a restaurant whether they like eating out or not.
Ben Woodthorpe, Lincoln,
Justin Lee Collins and Alan Carr are my favourites at the moment.. there are loads that aren't on that list. Shakespeare? Hardly.
Charli, Gloucestershire,
Does an American like me have to remind you of the most sarcastic man who ever lived--Hector Hugh Munro?
Charles, Waterville, Maine
It isnt " load of crap" Mr Clark its clever and what makes a lot of people laugh.
Maybe youjust dont get the joke and Of course your friends in the pub are hilarious ,so are all of us in the pub, and even you ,thats why we go there , but wit ,now that is something else.
As the man said , if you have to ask, you'll never know.
graham burrill, keston , kent
Two favourites. !. Bob Monkhouse "They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a stand up comedian-but they're not laughing now" 2. Spike via Neddie Seagoon " I've come here for my peace of mind"- Henry Crun "Well it hasn't arrived yet, Buddy"
Brian Barclay, Sydney, Australia
What a load of crap. The funniest people are those you meet in everyday life, your relatives and friends. how often do you watch and listen to these 'so-called' comedians and think, "That really isn't very funny" -- very often I would suggest. and if the truth is known, these 'funny people' get all their material off othes anyway.
steve clark, Singapore,
In response to quite a few of the suggestions on this board, all I can say is that one witty comment does not a witty person make.
There is also a major difference between wit, and humour. If a person were to slip on a banana peel, it might make you laugh, but no-one would consider that person to be witty. Hence the ommission of otherwise funny people.
Admittedly though, the inclusion of some (Liam Gallagher in particular) baffles.
Sally, London,
What about Sir David Willcocks who said of the acoustic of King's College Chapel that it was "so rich that it can make a fart sound like a sevenfold amen."
John Devlin, Dartmouth, Nova Scotia
Milligan was born in Ahmednagar, India, on 16 April 1918, to an Irish-born father who was serving in the British Indian Army. He spent most of his childhood in Rangoon (Yangon), capital of Burma.
Though he lived most of his life in England and served in the British Army, he was refused a British passport in 1960. This was partly because he had been born outside Britain to an Irish father, Leo Milligan (of Sligo, Ireland), but also because he refused to take the oath of allegiance, despite advice from Prince Charles. Milligan took Irish citizenship instead.[citation needed] He continued to live and work in the United Kingdom.
Can we please stop this unimportant squabbling over whether Wilde and Milligan were Irish or British.
They were both. Each had the good fortune to be both as well as the good fortune to be not entirely either.
Here is Wikipedia on Milligan, who didn’t attain Irish citizenship until middle age, the Irish being more open and caring in such matters than our own Imm
Bill M, Sydney, Australia
A friend in need is a pest
Gary Young, Ft Myers, Florida
in response to f gordon, yes Oscar Wilde was "dublin born", and he was born in 1854 when dublin was British. so therefore yes he is eligible
E McCullough, Derby, England
A young pretty girl once allowed Dorothy Parker through a doorway first, saying, "Age before beauty." Miss Parker brushed past her, replying "Pearls before swine."
Parker also declared, "If all the Smith College girls at a Yale weekend were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised."
Tony, Warren, Connecticut
just after seeing spike milligan there aswell, another irish man, do the british just claim any nation they like as there own?
Tom, New York,
Oscar Wilde was "Dublin born" so surely that makes him Irish and inelligible for one of Britain's wittiest individuals.
f gordon, dublin, ireland
Gabriel from Belfast- I would sincerely like to see you on the receiving end of an acidic Bette Davis put down, or maybe blushing and gabbling in response to Mae West's infamous sexually charged wit. I could try a pithy one liner on you myself, only us XY chromosomes prefer caviar to marmalade.
Julia, London, England
In the early 60's, my dad told me I couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time. Also old is "I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet."
Ken H, portland, oregon, usa
Yes--the Gallagher comment was what Lyndon Johnson said of Gerald Ford. And it should be borne in mind that Ford not only was a guy whose integrity nobody questioned but, unlike Johnson, he had been both a Rhodes scholar and an All-American football player (at center--the position requiring the most "brains" in the game).
gene berman, Gibbstown, NJ
"Always carry a large flagon of whisky in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake."
W.C.Fields
C Petropoulous, Melbourne, Australia
I'm sorry to see such mangling of English from the Times. The phrase "few would argue" does not mean, as the author apparently supposes, "few would deny"; it means the opposite, "few would maintain."
Roderick T. Long, Auburn, Alabama
I thought they were excellent as I read down the list until I reached Low Life Gallaghar' banal comment - wit or what? Why Boris Johnson - he has no wit or wisdom just lack of communication between possible brain and mouth. Many could be added especially Mae West, Maureen Lipman etc. but Stephen Fry is the masterclass.
Doug Bowen, Portamouth, England
What of John Wilkes ? When Sandwich remarked he'd die on the scaffold or of the pox, he replied "That depends, My Lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress".
Giants in those days...
T R Mortimer, Hayling Island, Hantes Shire
My absolute favourite one word one liner!
While serving as the BBC’s advisor on Roman
Catholic matters, Father Agnellus Andrew received a
letter from a producer, asking how he might ascertain
the official Church view on heaven and hell. Father
Agnellus replied with a memorandum of a single
word: “Die.â€
Tony, Gorton,
No women in the top ten eh? Well, you know, that's cause women are not funny. The fact that the female gender's chief claim to 'wit' is Margeret Thatcher says it all really. The Y chromosome carries the wit. And Liam Gallagher is really witty, albeit in a blunt sort of way. He is like the anti-Wilde.
Gabriel, Belfast,
I'm confused, how can Oscar Wilde have won this poll seeing that he's from Ireland. is that not a great insult to call him british?
Tom, New York,
Who is Liam Gallagher?
Mike, Sydney, Australia
Surely Linda Smith should be near the top?
Eleanor Wright, London,
How about John Lennon? One example: "When flying to London from Germany I prefer Lufthansa. All the pilots know the way." Said less than 20 years after WWII.
Ron Dobis, Orland Park, USA, Illinois
Who on earth was asked? Obviously not many Radio 4 listeners. Linda Smith, Sandi Toksvig (two women who must be near the top), Ian Hislop, Andy Hamilton. Plus of course PGW, Douglas Adam, Spike M, John Cleese et al already named.
Roderick Ramage, Stafford,
John - Laim Gallagher doesn't deserve to be on there either...
Josh, Canberra, Australia/ACT
Am I dreaming or do some of these fellows have "large heads"
Michael McCloy, Brighton, UK
And Rory Bremner ? Saves writing the list ! David Smith, Cannes
David Smith, Cannes, France
What about Dorothy Parker, Sophie Tucker and Mae West?
And the "chew gum and walk" line was not original to Liam Gallagher.
This list is totally phony.
Thalia, London,
The Noel Gallagher quote was orignally attributed to Gerald Ford.
So not much with there then
John Kavanagh, Bristol,
Perhaps the main reason why there weren't more women nominated is that the survey was for Dave TV.
validas, london, england
I guess the list makes sense inasmuch as those who voted for Clarkson probably don't know who Noel Coward and William Shakespeare are.
mike philby, stevenage,
These pithy one-liners are very good. As my son Christian said when he was around 13, "My train of thought has been derailed"
Lars Knutsen, West Chester, PA, USA
Nice try. Oscar Wilde was IRISH. Born in Dublin, his mother an Irish nationalist, educated at Trinity College Dublin, only left Ireland when disappointed in love.
Catherine, Chicago,
When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. Jonathon Swift.
M Fallon, Guadalajara, Mexico
Wilde Irish, Spike Milligan irish, and also shaw is irish too for those complaining that he was left out.
Tom, CHELTENHAM,
This just shows how much British "wit" has declined since the days of the 70s and 80s with the John Cleese gang, the 2 Ronnies and the like.
Gerry Watts, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
Re Wilde and Milligan (and, indeed, Shaw). Since they were born before the partition of Ireland, they were born as citizens of the United Kingdom, which does makes them a bit British, surely.
Delighted to see Cloughie so highly placed, although I'm certain he would have preferred to take the top spot. Oscar Wilde never won two European Cups, after all. I'm startled by the absence of PG Wodehouse and Douglas Adams. Also, Armando Iannucci and Linda Smith should have been placed higher than some of the nonentities who did well. Liam Gallagher's not even the wittiest person in Oasis!
Tim Footman, Bangkok, Thailand
I would add another Irishman, Brendan Behan, a self confessed "daylight atheist" and "drinker with a writing problem" who said "there's no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary" and "if it was raining soup the Irish would go out with forks"!
Kathy King, Sydney, Australia
"Sir Winston Churchill came in fifth thanks to his penchant for putdowns. When accused by the Labour MP Bessie Braddock of being drunk, for example, he is alleged to have replied: 'Bessie, you are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.' "
That is a hopeless paraphrase of the real story which does not make sense. He would not have come fifth saying that.
Winston Churchill met Bessie Braddock in a corridor and said to her "God Bessie, you are ugly."
Bessie Braddock replied "Winston, you are drunk."
Winston Churchill said "Yes, but tomorrow I'll be sober!"
Ed, London,
You might consider Australia's former Labor Prime Minister Gough Whitlam who once demolished an interjector in the Parliament.
This is Whitlam's later description of the event, which, not curiously , never made the Hansard: "When Sir Winton Turnbull, a member of the cavalleria rusticana, was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted: "I am a Country member". I interjected "I remember". He could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides."
Bern Lagan, Sydney, Australia
Bloody Brits claiming everyone & everything as their own.
Groucho is from NY, USA, Father Jack (aka Frank Kelly) is Irish. As previously mentioned, Oscar & Spike were Irish. In fact, Spike was refused a British passport, you can't much less British than that.
Clarkson while very amusing to watch, is about as witty a not very witty thing indeed!
Rob, Sydney, Australia
Dr. Samuel Johnson:
' The Irish are very honest: they never speak well of one another'.
T. Wesley Calumny, London, Canada
Liam Gallager's presence on this list is itself an example of wit, right? Please say it's so...
Stephan Moore, Chicago, US
So Liam Gallagher is more witty than Groucho Marx!
The world truly is a funny place!
Gary Hughes, Pembrokeshire.
G Hughes, Pembrokeshire,
What about Doctor Samuel Johnson?
"Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel." "No man but a blockhead ever wrote, but for money." Second marriages are "the triumph of hope over experience." "We must either outlive our friends you know, or our friends must outlive us; and I see no man that would hesitate about the choice." Grateful acknowledgment to the Samuel Johnson Sound Bite Page.
Ken Davies, Paris, France
Spike and Oscar were Irish.
MH, Dublin, Ireland
What about Linda Smith? Quite possibly the funniest Briton of the last 10 years....
"Laughter is the best medicine, but that's not true if you've got facial injuries"
Jesse, London,
I'm surprised to see no Dickens there.
"Mr Wople's great-aunt kept an evening school in the village; that is to say, she was a ridiculous old woman of limited means and unlimited infirmity, who used to go to sleep from six to seven every evening, in the society of youth who paid twopence per week each for the improving opportunity of seeing her do it."
- Great Expectations
Far more witty and elegantly written than Gallagher, I think.
Sarah Phillips, Angers, France
I too was wondering about Eric Sykes, truly excellent. I didn't always like Bob Monkhouse but he had a razor sharp wit. So too did the original Does The Team Think folk - JImmy Edwards, Tommy Trinder and without doubt, Ted Ray. A modern comic was expressing surprise when a fellow comic said that he was trying comedy without swearing. How we've sunk since the likes of the 'comics of old'.
Steve. Gloucester
Steve Morris, Gloucester,
What-no Father Jack? "Feck! Girls! Drink!"
You can keep your British wit-we have Homer J. Simpson-Doh!
David, Wheatfield, USA
Liam Gallagher at #10, and NO women?? Whatever happened to Bette Davis? Surely Dorothy Parker also deserved a mention. I'd also nominate Pete Burns and Sebastian Horsley, both of whom I'd choose as fantasy dinner guests over the likes of Clarkson.
Claudia Keilty, North East,
Your wit-list. Who was it who said: "They will be rememberd long after Shakespeare is forgotten, but not till then"?
ian, Norway
Ian Watering, Hamar, Norway
Whoever said 'Mrs. Thatcher is a very clever woman' deserves a place. Im still laughing at that one after twenty years.
eric campbell, harrogate, uk
Churchill's wit never deserted him. When paying a rare visit to Parliament in extreme old age, he was discreetly reminded by an embarrassed young MP that his flies were unfastened. "Huh!" replied the old man, "dead birds don't fall out of their nests!"
Alex Wood, Anlaby, East Yorkshire
Liam Gallagher on the list?!
More an indicator of how many cretins were asked for a definition of wit, I think.
I have to agree, George Bernard Shaw should be on this, and WAY before Gallagher would come John Cleese or Eddie Izzard.
Brian, Los Angeles,
It is a sad reflection on society when people can only vote for "celebs" - those who are in the news. Am I the only person who knows many witty people in my everyday life?
rob, bath,
"I've got only one wrinkle, and I'am sitting on it" by Jeanne Calment, on her 120 th birthday. Could she make it to the top ten ?
Bruno, Paris, France
Sir Thomas Beecham would be in my list. Someone once asked him, "Have you ever played any Stockhausen, Sir Thomas?" To which he replied, "No! But I trod in some once."
David, Enfield, Middlesex
The constant wit can be cloying,
The constant fool annoying.
I prefer the dead, the silent,
The one who keeps away from me
Now and always
Constantly.
Grenville Allen, 1977
Grenville Allen, Rye, East Sussex
Y.van Hoof, in reply to your question about Billy Connolly. As long as he's gone, I don't care.
Terry Nicholas, Radstock, England
What about Lady Astor who when asked by a heckler ''How many toes does a pig have M'am''said ''Take off your boots and count them for youself''
Azeez Lebbe, Manama, Bahrain
Brian Clough,definitely.Clarkson is a third rate,predictable,and a posh boy pretending to be a bloke.Cloughie was tough and intelligent,and a proper bloke from a tough area.
Rob, Plymouth, Devon UK
Just a quick comment on 'Britain's wittiest individual'.
Number 1 was Irish and Number 2 was an Irish citizen.
So hat's off to Mr Fry!
Colm, Dublin, Ireland
Oscar Wilde - British?!
Then again, this list did lose all credibility once Liam Gallagher made an appearance.
Paul, Dublin, Ireland
If Clarkson is the best that Britain can produce, God help us. What about the likes of Ricky Gervais, Rowan Atkinson and dare I say it, Sacha Baron Cohen. All of these have made me laugh until I physically ached. Clarkson wouldn't even come close in the rest of my lifetime...
Rod, Scunthorpe, UK
Where did Billy Connolly go?
Y. van Hoof, Waalwijk, The Netherlands
Brian Clough was a true genius. Jeremy Clarkson, entertaining though he may occasionally be, will always be a total numpty.
Peter, Adelaide, Australia
You are right Rotwatcher, it was LBJ speaking of Gerald Ford, the original quip was that he couldn't f**t & walk at the same time , the american press sanitised it for publishing purposes.
John, St Etienne, France
Liam Gallagher? Wit? He cannot even chew gum and walk in a straight line at the same time, let alone have wit.
Chris, Suffolk, UK
The chewing gum and walking at the same time quip was I believe made even earlier - about Gerry Ford after he succeeded Nixon in the Whitehouse
chris, edinburgh, scotland
It was Johnson on Ford:
'Too dumb to chew gum and fart at the same time"
James Simpson, Bedford,
For me, Paul Merton is the wittiest of them all. Not only is he very funny. He's quick too.
Paul , Halifax, England
Quite right Rotwatcher. The original quote was by LBJ about Gerald Ford and read "he can't fart and walk at the same time", it was cleaned up by the american press to "he can't chew....." Liam Gallagher's wit is like his music, a pale copy of the original.
John, St Etienne, France
If that's what passes for Liam Gallagher's humor, perhaps you should have written a "Top Nine", rather than "Top Ten", list.
Matthew Paszek, Waterford, MI,
Ref Liam Gallaghers " quote ". In common with his music it is ripped off from someone else. I believe it was first said about Ronald Reagan in the 80's.
David, Plymouth,
Liam Gallagher's wit(?) is just a slight alteration of the comment made about Gerald Ford that "he couldn't walk and chew gum" supposedly said by Lyndon Johnson
John Gardner, Church Stretton,
No George Bernard Shaw? Sorry - without him the list is worth nothing
Dave, Edinburgh,
Several of Clarkson's colleagues at the Times are far wittier and funnier in my opinion, for example Caitlin Moran, AA Gill, Giles Coren, Robert Crampton etc. Caitlin in particular should be much more celebrated than she currently is.
Stephen Gallagher, Glasgow,
For someone to be counted a wit their utterances must stand the test of time. Liam Gallagher's personal attack is both ungracious and not in the least witty. Both He and Victoria Beckam will be long forgotten when the witticisms of the likes of Oscar Wilde, Ronnie Barker and Eric Sykes are still pertinent. Gallagher is worthy only of the dimwit prize.
Roger Adams, Carmarthen, Wales
Jeremy Clarkson deserves to make the list, but then he was already half way there.
Brian, Liverpool,
The Churchill comment No 5 applies very neatly to media people, especially sports reporters!
billcarr, turku, finland
Where is Eric Sykes in this list. He co-wrote the Goon Show .
Nick Guyatt, Gosseldange, Luxembourg
Does what Liam Gallagher said really pass for wit? More like badly remembered plagiarism - it was said years ago of Gerald Ford, and probably of others before him.
Rotwatcher, CHELTENHAM,