HOWZAT

“To make [Paris Hilton] feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I think it’s wrong too – I’m just worried she’s going to break her teeth on those things.” MTV music video awards 2007

“I was raped by a doctor. Which, for a Jewish girl, is so bittersweet”.

"Guess what Martin Luther King: I had a f***ing dream too. I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn’t my living room but it was playing my living room in the dream. And I walked through to the back yard and there was a pool and as I’m diving in there was a shark coming up through the water, with braces. So maybe you’re not so f**king special. Martin Loser King. I want to be the first comic ever to sh*t on Martin Luther King."

"Wow, Britney, she is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old, and she has already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind-blowing. Have you seen Britney's kids? They are the most adorable little mistakes you'll ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!” "

“Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ and the Jews tried to pass it off on the Romans. I’m one of the few people that believe it was the blacks.”

“I love how Palestinians and Jews hate each other. It’s so cute. Honestly, what’s the difference? They’re brown. They have an odour. It’s like sweet potatoes hating yams”

“If my boyfriend, who’s a Catholic, and I ever have a kid, we'll just be honest with it. We’ll say that Mommy is one of God’s chosen people, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic.

“I don’t care if you think I’m racist. I just want you to think I’m thin.”

“[About the racism row following her “Chink” joke.] As a Jewish comedian I was really concerned … That we were losing control of the media.”

Video: "I'm f***ing Matt Damon

Video: Give The Jew Girl Toys

Sarah Silverman performs at the London Hammersmith Apollo on Sunday, 19 October. Tickets: £42 and £35, available from 0844 576 5488, www.livenation.co.uk .

Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic is released on DVD by Warner Music Entertainment on Monday 13 October.

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