...instruments

Piano The first instrument I played. Even as a toddler I’d try to bash out tunes. Then I realised that I was able to pick out the pitch of a domestic appliance, such as a Hoover. Many people have perfect pitch — some extraordinary number like one in four — but don’t know it. Back then, I didn’t know what it was but it was quite annoying. Even now I can hear a humming and know that’s a B flat and I’d better go and check.

Theremin The Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds introduced me to it. I wanted to know what it was and found one in a music shop in Charing Cross: a box about the same size as a walkie-talkie with a rubber aerial. It made a weird sort of whooping noise. I thought, I’ve got to have one of these. I’ve used it in my shows quite a bit, although I don’t have much control over it.

Bouzouki saz It’s a hybrid stringed instrument, with the double stringing of a bouzouki but the tuning of a Turkish saz. I think it was created by accident, one of those things in the factory that comes out wrong, like when you get a Crunchie that’s solid chocolate. I don’t know anyone else that plays it. It’s taken a lot of time to learn — you almost have to create your own chord structure. But it lends itself very well to quite an aggressive style and I love playing it because it gets people going.

...thinkers

Heisenberg He came up with the uncertainty principle, which could quite legitimately be the story of my life. The fact that uncertainty has been formalised into a principle is fantastic.

Wittgenstein I like his stuff. There’s a great line in Tractatus: “What we cannot speak of we must pass over in silence.” It’s an admission of doubt, of mystery and that’s what I like.

Einstein He was great at being self-deprecating, had a sense of fun and would admit that there are things beyond which he had no knowledge.

...albums

Talking Heads: Remain in Light I came across it when I was at school and it’s been a constant companion ever since. Regardless of what I’m doing, when I hear the guitar solo on The Great Curve I have to do air guitar and adopt the pose, eyes closed.

The Clash: Combat Rock Again it’s one of those albums that date stamps itself very clearly: driving around with mates in the West Country having the time of our lives.

King Curtis: Live at Fillmore West A terrific album, made more poignant by the fact that he was killed shortly after he recorded it. He got into a fight and was stabbed so it was like his last testament.

...comedians

Les Dawson Even when I was a kid I realised that he had to be a good pianist to mess up his piano playing. I tried doing it and you can’t just randomly hit notes because it might actually sound quite good. You have to know what you’re doing to maximise the note wrongage, if that’s a word.

Victor Borge He was this Danish bloke and he had these shows where he would just muck around with pianos. I remember the episode where he was accompanying a very large soprano and my grandmother’s dog suddenly woke up and started howling. It was something about the tone of this voice that the dog couldn’t stand. It was one of those moments, all the family sitting around the TV, laughing away.

Steve Martin I would have loved to have seen him in his pomp, when he was the guy in a white suit. He played the ukulele, mucked about and managed to keep an audience’s attention. He played to huge crowds — he was almost the first rock-star comedian.

Bill Bailey’s Remarkable Guide to the Orchestra is on tour until Dec 14. The show is released on DVD/Blu-ray on Nov 23 (billbailey.co.uk)

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