AA Gill
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Ihave always thought that part of any critic’s job is to be the voice from the stalls, to speak up on behalf of the audience. With a TV critic, that includes the misguided, deluded simpletons who find themselves on the wrong side of reality, the butt of the entertainment. Last week, I watched agog, agape, aghast and ultimately akimbo the worst, most callously cynical exploitation of the most vulnerable, pathetic, spindly sap ever to have a camera hose down his life. Humiliation is just too comfy a word for what happened to a man we shall have to call James, because that’s his real name. James, the 26-year-old virgin, was paraded in front of the nation without pixelation, silhouette, wig, false moustache, actor’s voice-over, his socks, shirt and underpants – or shred of dignity.
Virgin School (Tuesday, Channel 4) took this speccy chap, who lived at home with his dad, had a paper round, shopped with his nan and talked with the nasal whine of the congenitally unlovable, and whisked him to Amsterdam, where three women even Wayne Rooney on the outside of a gallon of Southern Comfort would have had trouble fancying ran what the Dutch call a new-age relationship therapy centre. “Here we see James having his first-ever assisted orgasm,” said the narrator, hardly believing his luck. That made two of them. Well, three of us, actually. The counsellor said James suffered from exceedingly low self-esteem. James said he suffered from exceedingly small penis. And obviously the clinical answer to both those conditions is to take all your underpants off (he wore two pairs) and shag a Low Country lady on telly. By the time it was all over, I’d eaten the sofa and one of my fists.
But, you know, after every scrap of ego had been stripped off him, as he stood there naked, both literally and figuratively, there was something heroic about James. Something free, majestic, wise. Ecce homo, I thought. Here is man. Actually, I just made that last bit up. He still looked like an underendowed chump. So, well done, Osca Humphreys, producer-director; respect. This amoral, gratuitous piece of bullying shows you are just made for TV.
It was Virgin Week on Channel 4, which I know sounds like a broadcasting paradox. There was a show called Make Me a Virgin, which, sadly, I missed, but do you think if I sent them the wool, they’d make me one? Then there was Ian Hislop. He wasn’t part of Virgin Week; he was part of Edwardian season, doing Boy Scouts, or, rather, Scouting for Boys (Monday, BBC4). Hislop is good at documentary TV. He has a bright, hobbity enthusiasm and is smarter than he looks, which, frankly, isn’t much of a stretch. He comes from a great tradition of English pamphleteers and iconoclasts who are very eccentric and partial about the bits of the Establishment they want to put on the tumbril and those they want to preserve in aspic. Baden-Powell’s Scouting for Boys was, predictably, a good thing, though very few of today’s scouts were allowed to sully the halcyon, Hentyesque nostalgia for a simpler, stiffer, perter time.
Baden-Powell was truly an odd bod. A populist who liked looking at kids performing, he became the most famous man in the empire overnight after the relief of Mafeking. Any other colonel would have retired to Broadstairs to breed canaries, but B-P’s hobby was open-air eugenics. He created a small, semi-religious, quasi-militaristic after-school club that contained all the seeds not just of fascist youth movements across Europe but also of the cadres of the Cultural Revolution and the stoolie kids of the Stasi.
Hislop pointed out that Baden-Powell addressed problems that are still current today. Well, yes, up to a point; but he didn’t come up with any particularly useful answers after whittling and bob-a-job. Hislop claimed scouting broke down class barriers through taught self-reliance, trust and civic responsibility. What he chose not to share with us was the airy racism that runs through it, which Baden-Powell had picked up from his peripatetic soldiering. It was a really repulsive knapsack of prejudices. I think scouting comes as a bob-a-job lot. You don’t get the knottying without wanting to truss Jews and Indians. The programme was jauntily made and amusing: I hope Hislop got his Bufton Tufton Nostalgia Badge for it.
John Sergeant and Ian Hislop look so much alike, they must be from the same species. Sergeant walked tall on TV again last week. America has Al Gore, with his Inconvenient Truth, but we’ve got John and his Driving Me Crazy (Monday, ITV1), the first of a series that is ITV’s answer to Top Gear, based on the premise that if you can’t compete, you might as well trash the premise. Sergeant was combusting to whinge about 4WDs. He really went for them with all the ire he could muster. It was like watching Mole attack Toad in his big, shiny motor car, poop-poop. He confronted three enthusiasts and the press officer for the motor industry, but what he did mostly was wring his hands, roll his testicular eyes and exclaim: “Horrid, horrid.”
This was a good example of how not to make crusading TV. It was dithery and ineffectual, and Sergeant is by nature and demeanour a nice, polite chap, altogether too decent and deferential to say poop-poop to a Range Rover. The press officer had all the glib, reasonable answers; Sergeant was left with not much more than a suburban snobbery about that “sort of person”. I particularly enjoyed his Goreish eco-aversion therapy, showing recalcitrant drivers a series of film clips of disasters due to their cars’ exhausts. There were floods and storms, parched earth, melting ice, and they all watched in guilty silence, all thinking the same thing: “Christ, if it gets that bad, we’ll probably need a Humvee.”
What on earth came over Panorama (Monday, BBC1)? For as long as anyone under 30 can remember, it’s been choosing the dullest, worthiest subjects – malfeasance in northern planning departments, bad grammar on multilingual NHS brochures. But all of a sudden this week it chose to take on the Scientologists, the most ornery, touchy, vindictive spiritual movement since the Spanish Inquisition. Scientologists bear grudges. They hate it when people use the c-word, so when John Sweeney called them a c**t (I’m not going to write it – I don’t want them after me; they can all be huge c**ts, for all I care), they went spare. It was their overreaction that made the programme, which is a lesson for anyone who wants to retaliate on screen. You will always come off looking worse. For all their media sophistication, the Scientologists don’t understand the first thing about appearing in front of a camera. If they’d said and done nothing, this programme would have been just another Panorama, a liberal-agnostic sneer.
Scientology is no more bonkers than believing in thousands of gods, some of whom have eight arms or elephants’ heads. In fact, it’s no dafter than the metaphysics of anyone’s spiritual belief. They’re not suicide bombers; they’re not circumcising women; they’re not burning nonbelievers out of their houses. The reason Panorama was so fired up about Scientology is that it’s rich and American and attracts celebrities. If its followers were poor, black and anonymous, they’d never have shot a foot of film.

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Why do people get so uptight about articles in the newspapers? Do they not understand that th'ey are partly wriiten 'tongue in cheek' as that is what good journalism is about but they also have a grain of truth in them. AA Gill is a wonderful writer, Giles Coren was hilarious today re the Chelsea flower show. Life is serious enough as it is so it is so refreshing to read other people's points of view and reading The Times is a wonderful 'occupaption'. Though I must say that I found Ian Hislop in his scout hat a little scary! Thank you for a superb newspaper.
Michele Beevers, Alvechurch, UK
Sirs In regard to the government latest theam to hit the general public with a whip over re-cycling I would be far more impressed if they brought in a law making the suppliers responsible for all their packaging materials being re-cyclable.
John Ford, Hove,
When reading the Sunday Times Culture section, I usually give the TV reviews a miss unless I see those wonderful words at the bottom of the page : AA Gill is away.
Brian , Liverpool,
i fnd the comments made about scouting laughable and made by a person that has now idea what happens in scouting or aware that it takes place all over the world by all races and religons. your writer should come along to the world scout jamboree in hylands park chelsford from 27th july and find out just how 45000 young people from all over this planet can get on and but us so called grown ups to shame. these young people age 14~18 will realy show him the meaning of working living and playing to gether means. A scout
Simon, Cardiff, Wales
Letter:
Sir:
For years, Mr Bush has been doing everything he could to ruin the Kyoto agreement. Were he a private person, pollution of a neighbour´s plot, of a common river etc. would be considered criminal, he would be called to justice and his attitude would be called antisocial. In high politics, there are no rules. If the G8 want to prove that their summits are of any value, they should tackle the one problem they are /together with China/ most responsible for - global warming. We all know this is the potentially mortal issue which we shall either start resolving immediately or our grandchildren will lead miserable and unworthy lives. Shouldn´t Mr Bush be plainly told: either you commit yourself to a comprehensive ´Greenhouse Gases Limitation Treaty´ NOW or we shall break off all personal contacts with you until the end of your pitiful mandate? Responsible politicians everywhere would have full public backing for their stance.
Martin Tucek, M.D., Psychiatri Hospital, Brno, Czech Republic
True, there are other beliefs that are just as "bonkers" as Scientology but guess what, those religions are FREE. I wouldn't want to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to find out about Galactic Overlord Xenu and the body thetans. Which is contained in Scientology's confidential OT III. That's why it's a corporation, rather than a religion. It's just another Hubbard science fiction novel being tossed off as a religion. CULT! Yup, I said the C word.
Jason Bourne, Los Angeles, CA
Scientology as a belief system has no more evidence than any other thiest belief. Every argument he used against scientology could be used just as easily against Islam or Christianity, therefore having insulted scientology on the grounds of its followers personal beliefs i wonder if Mr Sweeny will now deal with all other world religions in the same provocative style. The point is Mr Sweeny would not insult these religions in such a fashion so why is it acceptable for him to insult scientology?
sam, birmingham, west midlands
I called in at my old Scout troup HQ a couple of years ago. The kids were a mixture of white English and Indian - a reflection of the area and the times.
Scouting in my day was flag-saluting and hymn singing - a reflection of the times, exactly like schools then.
Eugenics involves selective breeding - where does or ever was this a feature of scouting?
Tying up Jews? AA Gill is either being very silly or has been on unwholesome substances very much outlawed in Scouting.
Bob T., London, UK
It would appear that Gill's dislike of Hislop has clouded his tiny little mind to such a degree that he is incapable of giving any credible review of the programme.
James , Taipei, Taiwan
I'm starting to think that East Grinstead should be cordoned off ...
Benzo, Nr Chelmsford,
I'm not sure how you can say Scouting is a racist organisation as it has 28 million members in all but 6 countries in the world, with people of all colours and religions.
Greg Riggs, Southampton,
Joanne
"This is classed as slander!"
Not quite... Slander is a spoken thing whereas something written down is libel.....something Ian Hislop knows a fair bit about!!
Clare, london,
Hannah, not only does scientlology have great technology and the most successful drug-rehab programmes in the world, they have also managed to completely eradicate poverty in over 400 square feet of Kidderminster AND they can transmute base metals into gold.
I can't believe the bad press Scientologists get, if it hadn't been for them none of us would know the truth about the those rotten Thetans that were lured to the volcanoes and destroyed with atomic weapons all those thousands of years ago. The lack of respect shown for truths such as this and the holocaust being designed and implemented by psychiatrists is galling.
The sooner the rest of the planet embraces rationality and converts to Scientology, the sooner we can finally conquer the universe.
Hurrah for L.Ron. Hubbard!
Toby, Margate,
Very amusing
Foo, Edinburgh,
Brilliant review of Panorama.
I'm glad the BBC made it though. Car chases, shouting, sinister forces at work and A list celebs.
Like a Hollywood version of the Sweeny. If that's Scientology I'm all for it. Sure beats nodding off listening to the vicar's sermon every Sunday.
Stella, Manchester, UK
... Hislop looks considerably smarter than the menu gazer Gill, and certainly writes far mor intelligently
Ib, Homerton, UK
Boring, boring, boring. You only have to step foot inside a Church of Scientology and speak to a few people to see that the technology works, its drug-rehab programs are the most successful in the world, it has the tech to handle illiteracy. If someone has an issue with that then they must be pretty selfish and not thinking of helping their fellow man!
Hannah, East Grinstead, Sussex
Baden Powell believed in racial preservation. What is wrong with that? Blacks have a racial identity and no-one complains. So too Asians. Of course striking poses comes naturally to Scotchmen like Gill. His compatriots at Westminster closed all Scotland's asylum offices, ensuring that immigrants only go to England and that as we continue to see exclusively white television programmes from north of the border, not to mention all-white national sporting sides, there is not word of complaint from newspapers like this one. I suppose anyone might feel smug in those circumstances.
Ed Leary, Lincoln, England
I am sorry but the comments you have written about the program scouting for boys is unjust and have not been thought out. The statement that you have made saying "What he chose not to share with us was the airy racism that runs through it, which Baden-Powell had picked up from his peripatetic soldiering. It was a really repulsive knapsack of prejudices. I think scouting comes as a bob-a-job lot. You dont get the knottying without wanting to truss Jews and Indians." makes all scouts past and present appear to be an anti-semitic group which are BNP members in the making. This is classed as slander! I myself am not in the scouts and I still find this comment insulting. The scouts are not there to tie up Jews, the program made no comment to Jews. On top of that what child has not played cowboys and Indians, are you telling us that every child that plays this game is also racists, because that is the comment you make!
Joanne Hawkins, Preston, UK
Yes, the Scientologists have obviously never heard the maxim 'Better to stay silent and appear a fool than to open your mouth and prove you are'. But then they're not alone in that.
eric, harrogate, uk
Scientology has a long history of pre-emptive strikes on the media - playing the man and not the ball is the order of the day. This situation is similar to their handling of Time Magazine's article "The Thriving Cult of Greed and Power" in 1991. During the preparation of the article its author Rick Behar reported that he was tailed by private detectives and threatened by Scientology attorneys and intimidated by Scientologists. Scientology sought to supress the article (which described them as a "Ruthless Global Scam") with a $416M libel suit, but this was overturned. It begs the question as to why the "church" is so aggressive if it has nothing to hide?
I disagree with AA Gill as to the BBC only being interested because of the film stars - the BBC is right to be interested as they have recently started a recruitment drive in the UK, which has been accompanied by inappropriate approaches to Police and Parliament. Awareness of their activities needs to be raised.
Pawl, Manchester,
I agree, if the Scientologist had kept his head, the programme would probably have been passed by relatively unnoticed. However, having failed to do this, it seems crazy for them to release their clip of John Sweeney "losing it" ahead of the broadcast. Had they not done this then presumably Panorama would have left out the embarrising part, and the program would have only been seem by a few random left-wing Brits too poor to be of any interest to their movement .
But I am more curious about John Wood's comment above. From his URL I think we can assume that John is a scientologist. I've recently been looking for some good Scientology press, and if John describes an article calling Scientology "the most ornery, touchy, vindictive spiritual movement since the Spanish Inquisition" as "one of the most rational things I've ever seen written in a newspaper about Scientology", my search is over!
Nigel Smith, Sunnyvale, CA USA
That's one of the most rational things I've ever seen written in a newspaper about Scientology! Thank you for that. - johnalexwood - http://www.uptone.co.uk
John Wood, East Grinstead, West Sussex