How classy: metaphors in the final of The Apprentice! As the feral Tre Azam observed the fish swimming in the tank at the London Aquarium, he observed to finalist Simon Ambrose: “They’re piranhas? But they look so friendly.” “You haven’t seen their teeth,” Simon replied wearily — after 12 weeks he was covered in the nasty bite-marks of fellow contestants.

Tre was wonderstruck: “It’s amazing how many species live in harmony whereas humans find the smallest difference to fight about.” This was especially rich from a man who greets every pleasantry with a snarl. And especially rich in The Apprentice where the “smallest difference” yields the most extreme conflict.

It’s a mistake to think that this show is about business in either the producers’ or viewers’ minds. It’s entertainment — as Katie Hopkins, the cornfield-gambolling, marriage-wrecking villain from this latest series, perfectly understands. The fact that the participants in this pantomime wear suits rather than bikinis only makes it superficially classier than Big Brother.

The final was less memorable for the square-off between the eventual victor Simon and Kristina Grimes than for the riotous sniping between returning contestants drafted in to help them design a landmark building for London’s South Bank.

Tre continued to treat Rory Laing with vicious contempt: Simon promised his team a holiday in New York should he win; Tre, who hated his team and was hated in return, said the offer was like getting “stabbed in the eye with a rusty screwdriver”. Kristina sensibly marginalised the inconsequential Natalie and the dour, depressing Adam: when the sun is shining for everyone else, it’s raining on Adam.

For the final, both teams oversaw well-executed projects even though Simon’s building looked — from the wrong angle — disgustingly phallic and Kristina’s like a helter skelter that wouldn’t withstand a gust of wind. But their presentations were smooth and polished and Simon exhibited a winning, boyish charm: his hotel rooms would be “small boxes with gizmos”, which clearly tickled him.

Going into the final, Kristina had been the obvious favourite: her clear head seemed more suited for “sellin’” (one of Sir Alan Sugar's obsessions) than Simon's boy-inventor’s wide eyes. “I’m happy to be the joker but beneath the surface of this village idiot is someone quite smart,” he insisted.

The final boardroom was stripped of its usual hysterics. Both candidates were “very employable”, Sir Alan said; he was attracted to Kristina’s experience and expertise and Simon’s willingness to learn. His sidekicks were split: Nick Hewer wanted Simon to win, the wonderful Margaret Mountford chose Kristina.

Kristina's vision of a Sugar future was Stakhanovite and grim. She told Sir Alan that she would “lead from the front”, she would “bring in the money”. Simon pleaded, with real feeling, that he would work “all day and all night". "I will do whatever you tell me to do”, “I’ll work my cotton socks off for you”. This clumsy cliche won Darth Vader of Brentwood’s heart. “Bloody old fool that I am, I'm going to take that risk — Simon, you’re hired.”

Kristina was visibly upset, but not for the first time you were left thinking that she was too good to be The Apprentice — like the Badger last year. Simon, with his puppyish enthusiasm and chippy determination is actually a winner in the true spirit of the show's title. But the real surprise? Perhaps it’s another unforeseen consequence of global warming, but Sir Alan is definitely melting.

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