Ah, the shy and retiring Mrs Beckham returns to our screens this week, with the one-off reality show Victoria Beckham: Coming to America. The premise is – as with so many aspects of the Posh’s life – slightly baffling. Dutifully supporting her husband’s peripatetic ball-kicking career, Posh has upped sticks from Spain, schlepped her three kids across the Atlantic, and relocated to Los Angeles. For many, it will be hard to understand why Mrs Goldenballs would then wish to have a camera crew in tow, at such a fraught time. Busy unwrapping cups from pages of the Daily Mirror and trying to recall where the stopcock is, who would also wish to keep their good side to the camera, and not slag off Geri Halliwell by name? If anyone had so much as tried to take my picture the last time we moved house, I think I would have attacked their genitals with a Taser gun. We had an eight-week-old baby with colic, the TV remote was at the bottom of the very last box we unpacked, and a fox had come through the cat-flap and pooed in the hall. I think I cried every half-hour for five days running.

But then, in terms of Victoria Beckham’s career of being Victoria Beckham, moving house is dynamite. She actually has something to do for a few weeks; something to talk about. Working out where to put the leopardskin vases. Texting Tom Cruise’s PA her new landline number.

When one considers the vast white expanses her diary would normally consist of – this is a woman who, without the parties of Elton John, might easily go six months engaged only in shopping and pouting – it’s easy to see why she booked a camera crew along with the removal men.

ITV1 didn’t have any tapes of the show to hand out – possibly editing a last-minute montage of Mrs Posh & Becks pointing at things, or standing with her knees at odd angles at premieres – so all that’s left is the chance to speculate on what might occur during the first few weeks of the Beckhams’ relocation: Tom Cruise popping over to help to put up some hooks, and telling them where the local dodgy baccy-man is; David presuming that he’s still in the old house, going to the en suite in the night, and only realising that he’s weed in Victoria’s wardrobe come the morning. All top-quality stuff.

Also travelling to America this week are the Zimmers. You may recall that The Zimmers were the “skateboarding duck” novelty news item of late May. A group of old timers who, dismayed by society’s attitudes towards them, recorded a version of The Who’s My Generation – to the delight of the bookers on a fleet of daytime shows, who knew a good seven-minute filler item when they saw it.

After the “success” of the single – it went to No 26 – the BBC decided to “follow their story” in the wake of “Zimmer-mania”. The only problem is that, let’s be honest, there hasn’t been any Zimmer-mania. The entire premise of The Zimmers go to Hollywood rests on the suppositions that a) three members of the group being invited to appear on the Jay Leno Show constitutes the big time, and b) that following their preparations to go to America is entertainment enough for a 40-minute show. Frankly, it isn’t. Various attempts are made to ramp up the atmos – stylist Hilary Alexander appears, and claims that the Zimmers are “as fantastic as Oasis, as fantastic as Blur”, and Tony Blackburn gets wheeled on briefly. But it’s pretty threadbare stuff.

The only moment of real entertainment comes from 99-year-old Wini-fred Warburton, on contemplating the flight to LA: “It’s going to be so different from that funny little plane I went on in 1927,” she muses in a series of nonsequiturs “He said,

‘Open your legs!’ It was called the joy-stick.I was shifting from one cheek to the other to avoid this massive thing.”

The irony is that, for a documentary that seeks to show that old people aren’t “rubbish, to be thrown in the bin”, the most interesting moments come when the Zimmers talk about how awful, empty and lonely their lives are. If only Victoria Beckham would stop all that pretending, and do the same.

Victoria Beckham: Coming to America, Tues, ITV1, 9pm; The Zimmers go to Hollywood, Sun, BBC Two, 10pm

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