AA Gill
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Poor Peter Fincham, controller of BBC1. Well, actually, not poor Peter. Quite comfortable Peter, thank you for asking, after selling a wallet-bursting slice of Talkback. He doesn’t need to do this job, you know. It’s only because he wants to give a little back, to put the public service back in broadcasting. Smiling through the pain of being interrogated on Newsnight over the national tragedy of Betty Windsor being asked to take off her alice band by an American lesbian on national television and the humiliation of being shown walking out in a huff instead of walking in in a huff, Fincham mea-culpa-ed like Maria to the mother superior, his fingers blindly signing the international distress signal for “Mummy, come and get me”.
If anyone really, really wasn’t to blame in this most nebulous and insignificant of gases, it was Fincham. The mileage and umbrage made out of an incident so laughably, pathetically unimportant are the stuff of bad sitcoms. What on earth did the Queen think she was doing, posing for a Vanity Fair photographer, anyway? Annie Leibovitz was doing her job, which she’s exceptionally good at. The person who was out of order and behaving like a spoilt starlet was the Queen. If you don’t want to be told what to do by photographers, then don’t be photographed. Why was she behaving like a film star? Demi Moore and Uma Thurman pose only if they are selling something. What was Her Maj selling? “My new production is a small country off the coast of Europe. It’s fab. Loads of laughs. Lots of excitement.” No, what the Queen was selling is what she has always been selling: monarchy. She’s not flogging our best interests, she’s selling the hereditary principle ltd. She’s publicising the brand of Queen.
As for the other thing, the BBC editing heresy and the Fincham show trial, well, the corporation needs to grow up and get a lot tougher. It rolled over in front of Hutton and is far too quick to see itself as culpable and a victim. The BBC needs to stop conniving in its own bullying. It looks masochistic. A free and independent broadcaster isn’t a navel-gazing, people-pleasing, self-mortifying one. It needs to stop wearing the “kick-me” pants and realise its responsibility and its privilege and stop being terrified of PRs, MPs and Wednesday columnists. What it is and does is too important, because one day its supine pacifism will let someone do it real damage. And then we’ll all be sorry. In a straight choice, which does more for the country, at home and abroad – the BBC or the monarchy? You don’t even have to think about it. Peter Fincham or Prince Edward? No contest.
Which leads us at a quick march to Guarding the Queen (Tuesday), ITV1’s new fly-on-the-wall documentary series about the soldiers who think they’re guarding the Queen but are, in fact, selling tickets to Mary Poppins, British Airways and cream teas. Their bearskins and red coats are paid for by the tourist board. This style of reality show has an overfamiliar tone to it, invented by the BBC for august institutions: museums, the National Trust, Kew Gardens and the Queen. You take three or four characters and weave their stories together, inserting golden statements of profound insignificance. “There’s only a week to go before the most important day in Jeremy’s life.” “It’s raining and Stella feels the weight of responsibility. There are 1,000 sequins left.” Behind it all is a rousing and lachrymose soundtrack. The Grenadier Guards are an easy sell, and this programme was made as well as any. You might think that broadcasting an uncritical and nostalgically sugared series about the army in the middle of two wars would be open to criticism of being recklessly jingoistic. But leave that aside. A posting to Afghanistan was treated with the same reverentially measured curator’s tone as guard mounting at the Tower of London. There was one brilliant moment when a central-casting bad lad, who got into fights, had found a sense of purpose, responsibility and self-respect in the regiment. He passed through training and went to guard St James’s Palace. His mother took his sister to see him. The little girl went and stood beside him. He was made of stone, standing to attention: his face didn’t flicker. The child slipped her hand into his and the camera caught what nobody watching would have noticed: the faintest movement. He gave it a squeeze. It was an instance of pure Victorian pathos. No other medium can sell sentiment like that without cynicism or irony. I would be astonished if that moment didn’t recruit a couple of hundred poor lads to the colours. In the autumn, the BBC is doing the Household Cavalry. I can barely wait.
Bettany Hughes is back. We last saw her being Helen or Penelope or Electra, one of the classic Spice Girls, in a series that was so bereft of things to look at, we were forced to stare at Bettany almost continuously without blinking. And it was hard to escape the ungallant conclusion that the fact Bettany is a bit of a babe had something to do with her presenting programmes that didn’t have much to look at. This time, she’s trying to tell us, in Athens – The Truth About Democracy (Saturday, C4), that Athens and democracy weren’t all they were cracked up to be. I’m not sure this premise necessarily works. Anyone who has ever been to Athens knows it’s one of the most ghastly cities in Europe. And most of us who live in long-term democracies think they are a terrible bore. Churchill pointed out that democracy was a ridiculous system to decide the course of nations. It was just better than all the other options.
Bettany jogged around telling us that Athenians weren’t as decent or as democratic as we imagined. We, in turn, told her we’d never thought that much about them in the first place and, when we did think about them, we thought they were mostly gay paedophiles who wore miniskirts and sandals. As I watched Bettany, because there was nothing much else to watch, I got the distinct sense that she is oversensitive about her bum. There were a lot of knee-length jackets and untucked shirts and three-quarter poses. You know it’s a mistake, Bettany. Trinny would tell you, you’re just drawing attention to it. And it’s true. You do have a bum that makes the Gordian knot look like a telephone-wire tangle. But, don’t worry, we’re not looking at it. Honest. We’re really interested in what you have to say about the single transferable vote and committee decisions in 3rd-century-BC Greece.
The Visit (Sunday, BBC3) is a comedy about prison. I’m amazed there aren’t more dramas, funny or not, about incarceration. There is far more theatre in prison than in police stations. What happens after you’re nicked is more interesting than the crime that got you nicked. The Visit reminded me of Porridge, in that I remembered how good Porridge was by comparison. This was all feeble setups, telegraphed punch lines and one-dimensional characters, spinning effortlessly in their own wind. It had no sense of prison being anything more than a device for keeping all your actors in one room. The writers should get in more, or talk to someone who got a life.
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This article angers me in the extreme - I've always liked A.A. Gill but he's way off the mark on this one.
J, London,
I think that Gill owes H.M. The Queen, and the Greeks, apologies.
We cannot be proud....
Garth Strong, San Diego, USA/
Leave the Queen alone for Gods sake! Just ask yourselves this: What would you rather have, the Queen & her selfless devotion, or a trumped-up half-brained warmonger as head of state?
(As for "wearing silly headgear" Did you see the warmonger in his "crocs"? )
I rest my case.
Steve Singleton, Manchester , England
I saw the slight squeeze of his sisters hand- it was wonderful- god dam- won't forget it- one very rare moment of television I will not forget.
peter, reading,
Mr. Gill: To profess that you are not fond of us, Greeks, of our historic past â in your idiosyncratic way of seeing it â and of modern Athens is no problem to me. After all you dislike the very best of your own people. But to assert that you, the English, âhad never thought that much about themâ, the Greeks, is either hypocritical or altogether illogical.
Just re-read your critique. Youâll find that you've used dozens of Greek terms to describe things and articulate an opinion. Tragedy, monarchy, heresy, museum, characters, nostalgically, criticism, pathos, democracy, Europe, comedy, drama, theatre are just a few. If you so heavily depend on the Greek language for assistance in the way you write and communicate your ideas, you are not in a good position not to think much about us. Think again!
Nikos Dimitriadis, Patra, Greece
So at the end of the day the truth comes out, the Queen alleged tantrum was filmed entirely out of context with regards what happened, the effect was acceived by manipulating the sequence of the film in the cutting room.
Another own goal achieved by the so called "Producer"
Pity is that the heads that will roll will not be done so on reality t.v. in full living colour.
Kev, Deva Hunedoara, Transylvania Romania
What a miserable lot you complainants are, and lacking in imagination!
HMQ is 81 and is a tiny person, not a weightlifter. How many working grannies are there in Britain carrying her heavy load?
Have you any idea what the weight of those ceremonial garments, plus tiara actually weigh or how hot they must be to wear? I thought not. How many of us could look so dignified in the same clothing or similar when we are 81?
How would we feel after spending ages preparing for a photographic session to have the photographer suggest she removes part of the ensemble thus making it an unbalanced composition?
Christine, London, UK
Where on earth has AA Gill eaten the deep fried mars bar and Magnum? I, all of my family and almost everyone I know live in Scotland (in various locations - East West north etc) and no one has ever seen these items for sale. Was this a cheap gibe for comic effect? I challenge him to tell me 1. What these treats taste like and 2. where to buy them.
There are multitudes of fabulous places to eat in Scotland which do not involve forking out a fotnights wages. I feel like 'disgusted from Glasgow' but to denegrate a whole nations pallets in one fell swoop feels deeply unjust. So there, I'm off to have some battered black pudding
April Niven, Glasgow, Scotland
You're absolutely correct. The Queen WAS behaving like a tiresome starlet. However, that's aging, that's life. My mother is the same age as HM and she gets unaccountably grumpy over trivial details as well. With all respect AA darling, I think you'll be an equally techy 'handful' too after you hit the big 80. But we'll be also forgiving, because like HM, you too are almost family!
James Petersen, London, Australia
Relax, Mr. Gil. We are not going to force you to revisit modern Athens, since you din't like it. I think we'll manage to live without you. Although I am sure that, had you spent your youth in ancient times, you would have made a career out of offering your company to those "who wore miniskirts and sandals".
Alexis Oikonomou, Athens, Greece
Come on you can hardly demand to tell a monarch when to take off his crown!
Marco, Venice,
This same old tired argument, i'm sure we would whinge about something if we were a Republic. In one sentence people slam these sorts of programs and in the next breathe seem to use them as back-up to changing the entire UK constitution!?! Most Republicans in this country end up in the House of Lords. *ahem*
Alex Delbarre, Bournemouth, Dorset
May God grant us the grace not to spill Gill's guts nor to send him up the Hill to lose both his nuts!
He should be taken to the Tower to be shaken not stirred.. till his teeth are a-chatter and his brain turned to curd!
One swift "whoosh!" of the axe is all that it takes to end his delusions and cure his headaches!
He should know better than to be so mean..to speak so ill...of our beloved Queen!
Garth Rex, Glendale Heights, USA/
Great job again AA! I can't watch half these shows anymore but I still enjoy you're commentary as much as when I first started reading them.
The queen, like those silly wigs that barristers and judges have to wear seems like a strange anachronism now in modern Britain
Although a lot of americans are still completely obsessed with the royal family for some reason - weird.
By the way you're commentary on 'whole foods' in your food section was prescient . A week or two after you brought out your article, the Wall Street Journal published a story about how John Mackay has been writing blogs under various Psyeudonyms for the past 8 years talking up his store and demolishing the opposition.
AA quite rightly identified early that this so called 'libertarian' enterprise was just as duplicitous and profit-driven as any other major corporation.
Rudy Parker, Cambridge, USA
Like Lucy Scott, I am neutral on the subject of HMQ. I would ideally prefer to live in a republic, but that's not an option, certainly not for as long as HM survives, and that's likely to be longer than I will. After her, I don't think HRH will last long - he'll try to persuade the PM to do something daft, and will be told to abdicate. His son will then make a very different kind of head of state. So I suppose the monarchy has a good hundred years left in it. Meanwhile HMQ must be forgiven the odd moment of tetchiness. As Lucy says, would your Gran put up with a tenth of what HMQ has to put up with? (It doesn't alter the fact that whichever cub editor did that crass job on the videotape thinking it was a real clever thing to do should be shown the door, pronto.) As for Ms Hughes, I'm tired of documentaries that treat (?) us to endless tracking shots of presenters driving or riding around the place - we know she had to get to the Parthenon somewhow, does the mode of transport matter?
J.Fletcher, Canterbury, UK
Although I'm neutral on the topic of monarchy, the Queen has been subjected to life in a fishbowl her entire life, without complaint from her. Clearly, she has enough wealth to live quite comfortably as a private citizen, so her motives are not monies provided by the people; her motives are service to her country -- a country which, in the eyes of the tourists who flock to London annually, would be rather uninteresting without the albeit antiquated concept of monarchy, . Like it or not, she's earned a great deal of respect because of this service. In terms of her 'huff', as you've labelled it, please do remember that she is 81 years old, she'll die with her boots on, and she has a fully diary of commitments on a regular basis; now, please think of YOUR grandmother, and tell me she'd even consider performing one tenth of the Queen's current daily schedule.... Ladies and gentleman, the Queen is 81. If you cannot appreciate her, then lat least have the decency to eave her be.
Lucy Scott, London, UK
I was looking forward to the new Bettany Hughes series. What bizarre garb would there be endless footage of her striding around in? How many valuable minutes of documentary would be dedicated to her zooming to and fro in a sports car, or on a horse? In the event the programme is a vast improvement on previous efforts, though the editing was weird, especially at the end when ideas quickly piled up in time for the closing credits. Still waiting for the surprise revelation that all the good bits of Athenian democracy were thanks to the women.
Barry Shaw, Kings Lynn, England
Here here Mr Gill!
Whether Her maj was in a huff before or after the photographer got her hands on her, the real "crime" that Buck House imagine to have been committed by the BBC is the "crime" of showing her Maj to be a miserable old so and so. Toughen up Betty dearest or go off and join the Gloucestershire whist drive!
Simon Templar, Glasgow,