Caitlin Moran
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I just want to goooooo,” Ewan McGregor moans, sitting astride his bike, in the first episode of Long Way Down. He is eager to start his journey: Africa, from top to bottom, by motorcycle, starting in Tunisia.
Alas, however, the caption that has just melted from the screen – “Five Months Before Departure Day” – suggests that McGregor will not be gooooooing any time soon. Indeed, McGregor is sitting in a cavernous garage-cum-office in West London, where two beautiful PAs are doing 12-hour shifts trying to sort out visas, inoculations, routes, filming permits and the special, customised leather bike jackets from Italy. No one just goooooes, these days.
Gone are the days when Shackleton just put on an extra jumper, packed a fruit-cake, and sat on his tobacco to defrost it whenever necessary.
Of course, even in this era of extreme bureaucracy and psychometric passport blether, there are ways in which one can make it easier for oneself. Deciding not, after all, to have commissioned two SUVs covered in “Long Way Down” lettering, “Long Way Down” fleeces, or the special, turquoise-coloured Belstaff leather jumpsuit might have sped things up a trifle. Indeed, given that McGregor has done this kind of thing before – in 2004, he did London to New York, via Russia – he should know exactly how much money, effort and artifice it takes for a wealthy celebrity with a penchant for adrenalin sports to “just gooooo”.
All of the first episode is taken up with trying to arrange the trip. As the hour rolls on, it’s hard not to feel increasingly bemused about what your response, as a viewer, is supposed to be to the whole thing. Are we meant to admire McGregor’s derring-do? He’s got GPS, a 24-hour doctor and two branded vans full of spare tyres. Feel all warm and fuzzy about the charity aspect? Well, McGregor went three-quarters of the way around the world on his last trip, and raised £100,000 – an absolutely piffling amount, really, compared with how much the trip would have cost. There’s no getting around it – this isn’t, really, either an adventure or a charity endeavour. It’s just the most famous holiday of 2007.
On top of all of this, there is the considerable consideration of the actor’s long-term motorcycle buddie, and companion on this trip, Charley Boorman.
To be both blunt but also, I feel, totally fair, Boorman comes across as a copper-bottomed, ocean-going, 24-carat prick. The unsuccessful actor son of director John Deliverance Boorman, Charley is the kind of spoilt, charmless boor whose self-satisfied bull-honking floats down from first class on transatlantic flights, and actually makes you glad to be poor. In the first episode alone, Boorman departs on his epic journey despite his wife being in hospital with pneumonia and a collapsed lung; is questioned by four policemen at Gatwick after telling an air stewardess that he has a bomb; and cuts up rough when McGregor’s wife – who is, let us not forget, left at home with the kids for three months while her husband burns rubber in the Dark Continent – says she wants to join the trip for just ten days.
“I want to protect the experience, and keep it real,” Boorman says, sulkily, standing next to his branded SUV, being filmed by a TV crew.
In the second episode, his major contribution is lying in a field in France, lighting his own farts.
It’s left to the oddly innocent McGregor to try to lend the expedition any sense of purpose or joy. That he does is all credit to his sap-rising exuberance, still-startling handsomeness and renegade-prince charisma. But Boorman – ugh, Boorman. You can only hope he gets raped by a lion. In a bad way.
The last ever – ever – episode of The Sopranos. Obviously I can’t say anything at all about it, as it would a) give away the ending to millions of eagerly waiting fans, and b) I’ve only ever watched two episodes, so I don’t have a clue what’s going on. I think I can safely say that the ending is a little “mysterious”, however. One – admittedly quite nutso – fansite has suggested that what actually “happens” in the last scene is that the viewer is murdered.Or “moidoired”, as the case may be. Respect to any show in which you’re not sure if you’re alive when the final credits roll.
Long Way Down, Sun, BBC Two, 9pm; The Sopranos, Sun, E4, 10.30pm
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I watched it,I enjoyed alot of it,but I soon realised their biggest worry was having to stay in a two star rather than a three star hotel.
'Oh thank god we have found the BMW dealers to change our tyres'.Please.
Eddy., manchester,
The original purpose of Long Way Round was that two very good friends who were keen motorcyclists wanted to make a once in a lifetime bike ride together. It is to their credit that they put together a team and made a highly entertaining documentary of their journey with no guarantees of success.
Paul Dixon, Leeds, England
GOOD FOR THEM............
I have done the same trip but with only a map and compass.....If they didnt have all that gear we wouldnt have anything to comment about , WOULD WE!! And one thing is for sure if it goes bad in Africa for you, it doesn't matter how much money you have or WHO YOU ARE.
And to be honest the program wouldn't be the same without CHARLEY.
AL, WORCESTER, WORCESTERSHIRE
I am a biker chick who doesnt drive a bike but rides pillion.Am i the only one who enjoyed long way round amd long way down. yes it may have loads of money thrown at it but come on if you were given the chance to travel the way Ewan and Charlie have would you say no. The repore these two men have is remarkable and i cant wait for the next adventure.
carol bayliss, middlesbrough, england
With TV production companies pumping in the funds, they were hardly likely to head off into Africa with a camcorder and a couple of mini-dv tapes - and no back-up! The series would never have been completed after they had been hacked to death on some jungle trail.
Also, good old Charley has a lot more personality than some of the "professional" presenters on TV., the ones that somehow managed to get the job and bore the pants of anyone watching.
Promoting Unicef by whatever medium is good enough for me, but I see that even this doesn't get a mention in this article.
E J Murray, Kerry, Ireland
Agree with the comments about Boorman. Most cringe inducing had to be when he was introduced to the Head of a Village, who had very kindly agreed to let them camp inside his village for the evening, and his opening line was 'So...how many wives do you have then?'. to which the bemused reply was 'err...one'.
Calre, london,
I also agree with Susan etc. They are on a long, expensive holiday, not an epic adventure.. You can buy similar "package deals" out of many motorcycle publications. The huge mileages and stupid schedules say it all.
They show their complete ignorance constantly with constant whining and lack of understanding of the reason why they're meant to be there. They needed to ditch the crew, the medics and the SAS team and carry on with just a camcorder.
But did anyone in "the know" expect anything more ??
I'm sure its great TV for the armchair adventurer !
ted, wirral, cheshire
I think Susan in London is spot on with her comments. Charlie and Ewan have got this all wrong. They aren't on an adventure, they are on expensive, money making, paid holiday that has completely lost the point of overlanding by motorcycle. Charlie in particular has become a bore.
People wanting real adventure should read Sam Manicom's Into Africa. This is one of the best travel books I've ever read. You live the joys and perils of the road through Africa in this book. Its absolutely gripping, and totally more real than this 'stuff' from Charlie and Ewan.
I think they should be embarrassed about what they have produced. Sad, Long Way Round was fun, though still a bit manufactured, but it was an interesting read and the film worked. The guys have simply lost the plot now. Shame - fame has got in the way and a brilliant opportunity has been blundered.
Jim Brain, Nottm, UK
maybe your missing the point there are plenty of people who would love to do this trip but will never get the chance and all those people who do get the chance may write a book but never get to film it and include the rest of us in their journey.
personally i think charlie is one of the great things about the show and it would be dull without him. i for one think that one hundred thousand is great afterall they didn't have to involve any charity.
the show is great and i hope the boys do many more trips and remember if you don't like it there is an off button
peter, bosham, england
You don't need film crews, backup SUVs, medics, personal assistants or turquoise leather jumpsuits (but I'm sure they look very nice in the film) to ride a motorcycle down through Africa.
I'm sure for publicity purposes they want people to think this is an 'epic adventure', but Lois Pryce, Sam Manicom and literally hundreds of others have done this trip, including us, without all the excess baggage.
If you want real inspiration, check out www.HorizonsUnlimited.com for stories of real motorcycle travellers who made overland trips long before Ewan and Charlie ever thought of it.
Susan, London,
You are too harsh on Charlie Boorman. He's just a burke, a grade-A loveable burke. There has to be room in society for such folk. He is the Morecombe, To McGregor's Wise.
So he arrives at Gatwick, stressed out with worry about his Wife, (Who TOLD him he should "goooo")..and not wanting to let his friends down. He makes a self conscious joke, and Gatwick's finest decide to make the point, (at his expense), that travelling whilst in posession of any sort of sense of humour these days, is a massive crime. Ya godda smile..
Tim Gray, Antrim, Northern Ireland
Forget these charlatans. Check out real life adventure heroine Lois Pryce. Only 5 foot 4 and rode solo from London to Cape Town last year on a 250 dirt bike. Like the hundreds of real people that do this trip every year she was taking a real chance rather being paid literally hundreds of thousands by celebrity drugged sponsors.
Alfred, Lincoln,
I agree wholeheartedly with these anti-Boorman comments.
Furthermore, even _if_ Boorman was a nice guy (which is debatable), then the 'Long Way' series still has a massive celebrity imbalance:
Ewan McGregor - Star Rating: 10/10
Charlie Boorman - Star Rating: 3/10
Total Star Rating Of the pair: 13/20
So in summary it is the charisma and star power of McGregor that holds the whole thing together and makes it commerically viable.
Chris, London,
Don't hold back about the high profile boors and faux charity collectors, Caitlin! Reading your column is the delight of my week!
Ana, Sydney, Australia
very easy to do with all the back up and money they had....plenty of people riding places like this with no back up and limited funds.......would they have been so keen to set off alone...i think not...
w hunter, preston, lancs