Tim Teeman
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Here’s a bit of seasonal sacrilege: Doctor Who (BBC One) sucks. The Christmas special amounted to a delirious tribute to The Poseidon Adventure. It featured, in no particular order, Kylie Minogue, monsters, explosions, a threat to destroy Earth, references to Titanic (both the real-life disaster and the film) and The Apprentice and murderous angels. It was boring, despite the endless dashing about and CGI flimflam. Doctor Who thinks it can do no wrong. Yesterday evening, it did.
The show began on what looked like the Titanic. It wasn’t. It was a space liner whose passengers were paying for “primary cultural experiences” of Earth. The thing was, no one from the planet knew why the Titanic was embedded in cultural history, so while they dressed the part – flapper dresses, the best spats – they didn’t know the ill-starred omen that the name conjured. A lunatic called Max Capricorn owned the ship and wanted to crash it into Earth to avenge himself on some former business colleagues. But the Doctor saved the Titanic and the Earth – of course he did – and in a weird sequence seemed to attain Christlike status by being raised aloft by angels.
The Christmas special was geared, sensitively, to the mood of the audience. If you were beached after Christmas lunch, buried under Quality Street and swimming in Bailey’s, watching through a fug of dismembered Transformers and children secretly necking vodka shots, then the writer Russell T. Davies provided a big bang roughly every three minutes. Kylie was fine, but rather like Doctor Who, this capped off a year for her where the nation’s love and adulation has reached a kind of unmerited zenith – the truth is her new songs aren’t that great and the ridiculous film White Diamond, far from being a revealing portrait as advertised, was a delirious, uncritical bit of gush-ography.
Here, as the gutsy Titanic waitress Astrid, she looked older, and her breathy delivery reminded me of early Charlene-falls-for-Scott, so much so that I thought she might tell the Doctor to “rack off”. The Doctor led some survivors (fat couple, little alien, self-interested bastard and the best character here, a sweet man called Mr Copper, played by Clive Swift) through the bashed-up craft. David Tennant did his cheeky-chappy thing, explaining complicated sci-fi stuff as if he was ordering a bag of chips – this shtick is becoming charmless rather than charming.
In the end, Kylie-love got way out of control. Astrid sacrificed herself for the good of the world, the Doctor howled and Astrid was transformed into myriad pretty blue stars. “She’s stardust,” said the Doctor breathily.
Can he get over his nonviolence thing, dump that sonic screwdriver, which he is way too overreliant on, and just beat the crap out of the next villainous monster to cross his path? This would be quite out of character, but it may raise the show out of the torpor it has fallen into. Every week it seems to be a variation of: Doctor pitches up at planet or historical period. Bish, bash, monster, bosh, speech about love, thinly veiled gay references, kissy kissy, bish, bosh, more explosions, back to the Tardis, Doctor regrets woman he loves dying/ leaving him, Doctor doubts himself, his mission, then gathers himself, bish, bash, bosh, Tardis zooms away.
Doctor Who is now a national treasure of which no ill must be spoken, but for me the show and character has become lazy, predictable and indulgent; as evidenced in that ridiculous “I’m the Timelord, I’m 903 years old” rallying speech last night. The imminent arrival of Catherine Tate as the Doctor’s new assistant will hopefully undercut the self-love sinking the Tardis.
The great battle of the Christmas Day soaps ended with a resounding victory for EastEnders (BBC One), just for playing out so deliciously the DVD revelation of Max’s affair with Stacey. On Coronation Street (ITV1), teacher John’s affair with Rosie Webster led to a kicking from Kevin Webster and not much else. For the first time in years, the Street looks shaky and EastEnders resurgent.
If EastEnders’ Tanya survives her fall down the stairs can the scriptwriters do a really twisted storyline where she suffers an unseen brain injury, undergoes a shocking personality change and ends up Albert Square’s newest gangland boss with Sean Slater as her bitch? It’s only a thought, but, as you can see, it’s quite evolved.
Out of the box
— An interesting thought from a colleague: could the Doctor, in managing not to crash the Titanic into Buckingham Palace earning a “Thank you Doctor” from the Queen be an oblique attempt by the BBC to draw a line under its own troubled relationship with the Palace this year after the Annie Leibovitz/walkout row? It wouldn’t have looked good to have Buck Pal going up in smoke on Christmas Day.
— Sorry, there were no preview discs made available for a review of last night’s much-anticipated revival, To the Manor Born. Early clips did not look hopeful – one lame gag featured hoity-toity Audrey getting shirty with modern telecommunications – but let us know how you found it.
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i found the christmas special extremely entertaining and frankly it was the highlight of my christmas. it may not have been the best episode so far, it was still extremely enjoyble which only goes further to prove the high standard of dr. who.
emma, london, uk
I'm afraid this reviewer is right. Voyage of the Damned is a damned disaster. I'm a fan of the new series, but the Christmas specials (aside from the first in 2005) are plain silly.
The only sacrilege is on the part of Russell Davies who penned the appalling script.
Loren Rosson III, Nashua, NH, USA
It seams to me that the author of this report got out of bed the wrong side... This years Doctor Who Christmas Sprcial was fantastic and kept me and my family on the edge of our seats every second long may it and David Tennant Countiue can not wait until the full series is back
Sally, Leeds,
Oh come on, Dr Who is low brow family entertainment!
And even at that, it's considerably better than previous incarnations, which I found unwatchable, then and now.
As for the 'Timelord" speechette, I thought it was great. So there!
David Jefferis, Brill, UK
I greatly enjoyed the Christmas episode, and that to me is the most important judgement. I agree that there are some formulaic elements in the story, but that is true of most programmes, Doctor Who at least renews the formula every so often
I think the strengths of the new series are its passion and imagery. It is now very much a show of the television age, where it is made as a television programme, so that the music and lighting are part of the story, as opposed to being a televised version of a film or a book, as was often the case in the 1960s and 70s.
As a Christmas story Voyage of the damned worked well, with the sort of dramatic action that we have come to expect on Christmas Day (but without the cruelty employed by Indiana Jones) and there was some criticism of the relentless pursuit of profit, in the identity of the villain. There was humour with the Titanc dive-bombing Buck House, and a bit of gentle romance. A bit of fun, and nothing to give you indigestion.
Michael, Bournemouth,
Doctor Who was originally for children. By twelve most had grown out of it. If 13 million watched it, its a tragedy for Britain - one quarter of our population is retarded.
eric campbell, harrogate, uk
The Queen, reputedly a closet fan who gets to watch the show over Christmas at Balmoral, now gets her own cameo. Homage to the Doctor. Unfortunately it's still a disaster movie; and (nearly) everyone dies.
Andrew Smith, Dunedin, NZ
Oh dear, yet another young critic trying to make an easy name by trying to be "sacrilegeous".
There are certainly elements of Dr Who that return, but can this reviewer really have seen the last series? The plotting and elements of stories as diverse as "42", "Human Nature" and, of course, the magnificent "Blink" are far from bish, bash, bosh.
This was a Christmas Special. It did everything a Dr Who Christmas Special should do, including the "rallying speech", the "cheeky chappy thing" and most importantly of all, the "nonviolence thing". I'd say non-violence is a pretty Christmassy message.
As for your line about the "thinly veiled gay references", they were too thinly veiled for me to hear, or for the children at whom this programme is chiefly aimed. Has Tiny Tim been letting Mr Littlejohn play at his typewriter again?
It's a shame that, once again, the English media can't enjoy a British success story in the same way they appear to kowtow to inferior US imports.
Luke Meredith Williams, London,
Gail in Canada,
The Titanic did in deed sink in 1912. And the guests were wearing 1920's styles.
But this Titanic was a spaceship and the guests were aliens enjoying a holiday in earth orbit.
Do try and pay attention :-)
Marvin Finstervelp, London, UK
Flapper dresses? Wasn't that the twenties? The Titanic sank in 1912, and most of the passengers seemed to be dressed for that era. While I wasn't that crazy about this latest offering, it's still better than most stuff on television and as a Canadian, I'm referring to Canada, the UK, and the United States. We could lose the Doctor-as-Messiah stuff though. That's just cheesy.
Gail Roger, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Yeah, it was poor. But so are most things with Kylie Minogue in them
Mike, Runcorn, United Kingdom
Im surprised by all the negativity towards this Dr Who story. I thought it was absolutely brilliant, funny and ideal for Xmas day. I think the fact that it was the most watched episode of Dr Who since it came back must say more than the words of a thousand critics.
Paul Sandwell, London, England
The Doctor Who special was a bit dull compared to ones in the past but 'To the Manor Born' was totally and utterly awful! I had really looked forward to it as I loved the series in the 1980s - but it would have been better to have left it in the past!
caroline , st albans, Herts
Got to agree, it was not the best, Dr Who is not a series that needs to lower itself to Christmas specials.
Stuart Hazel, Verwood,
I agree with this article. Doctor Who is usually pretty good, but I agree that the xmas special was a real disappointment. All the time they had to make it they could have done a better job..
bex, norfolk,
It certainly wasn't great Doctor Who. However, Doctor Who can be so different from story to story. There's a story for everyone at some point. This one wasn't really for me. Christmas episodes are particularly difficult. The best episodes from last year (The Doctor as a human and angel statues sending humans into the past) are not early evening Christmas viewing. One has to cater for those who wouldn't normally watch. I'm not keen on the 'new new' version of the theme. Change it back please Murray.
Michael, Birmingham, UK
I agree. the program was just plain silly, ham acted and a disgrace to all Doctor Who fans
J Hunter, east kilbride, scotland
I have only one thing to say.
Oh please please please to be bringing back David Eccleston, please???
(Oh I can dream, can't I?)
Nancy, Queens, NY
It was pants. 3 deaths in a simlar vein reduced any impact thay may have had. The villain/ alien just trying to secure a safe retirement. The Doctor promising to save everyone and failing with those closest to him. Overblown acting . Kill Kill Kill ha ha !
nwood, chatham, kent
Sadly, I must agree Doctor Who was a let down. Although only a precusor to the horror that was 'the trailer for the new series' this had me hiding behind the setee chilled to the bone with disbelief. WHAT! The new assistant - a women who's only talent seems to be the ability to shout. What's wrong with Martha Jones?
Paul, Bristol, GB
I loved the Xmas Day Dr Who but Catherine Tate as his assistant? No, no no.
Carole, London, UK
Sucked? Have you lost your mind? Doctor Who is the greatest show ever.. From any part of the world.. I'm from the United States, and as you know, we have the largest film industry in the world, and probably an even larger TV industry.. And yes, we do have some wonderful shows.. But I have never seen a show from any part of the world like Doctor Who.. It started out as an educational program for children, and it's changed into an adventure show, into a slightly comedic show with 6th and 7th Doctors, and now into a action adventure show.. No American show has been on that long, the closest one is Star Trek, and that's not even as long lasted at Doctor Who, and it's just getting better.. No episide can be perfect from any show, but personaly, I haven't seen a bad episide of Doctor Who yet.. New or old.. Now, lets not use the C word when talking about Doctor Who.. We already went threw that in 1989, and had to deal with the loss of the greatest show in the world.. Not again.. Not yet..
David, North Salt Lake, UT, Utah, USA
Dr Who is normally brilliant but the Christmas special was actually rubbish.
Kevin Smith, Sutton Coldfield, England
Here we go build it up just to knock it down Britain you epitomize this ethic sir so eloquently. For me the Doctor Who Christmas special did what it set out to do and that was to entertain. The ratings say it all 13 million people didn't think it sucked. Stop trying to be a trendy twonk by dissing the thing that's most popular at the moment.
"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves."
Steve, Sale, United Kingdom
Doctor Who is one of the longest, greatest T.V. programs too come out of the U.K. With a massive fan base of both old (old sreies fans) and new how dare you say what you said in your column. Your views are not shared by me or by a nation that watched it xmas day. Cheers too Doctor Who in 2008!
matthew, victoria point, Australia, Qld
You are 100% right. doctor who is going to the dogs.
it's time it smartend up or it gets CANCELLED!
Ted, Lancashire, England
How dare you say Doctor Who sucks! It doesnt and I thought that the episode The Voyage of the Damned was brilliant! I was shocked what you said about it!!!!!
Mariyam, dewsbury, uk
Hey there Mr. Teeman, I'm new to your column, but just thought I'd pop by to let you know I admire your resolve in commenting against Dr. Morris' drivel in that article. You, and the rest of the gay and otherwise sensible commenters might just make him see sense.
Cheers.
Heather Dalgleish, Glasgow, Scotland
For those who hark back to the golden age of Doctor Who, look no further than Spike Milligan's marvellous take on the 'Pakistani Daleks' . Nobody does it/did it better .... even Kylie.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=OQ5txdOL0GQ
Mike Reddin, London,