When Paul Donovan’s back was turned one Sunday last year, I suggested that the BBC should sell Radio 1 and possibly Radio 2. To my surprise, some senior BBC people privately expressed their support for this idea (although none of them worked for Radio 1 or Radio 2). Secretly, I’m relieved it will never happen. Obviously, there’s no reason why the state should fund Chris Moyles and Ken Bruce (although Terry Wogan probably qualifies as an ancient national monument), but, in practice, I just couldn’t face the advertising. What is it about radio advertising that is so irritating?

After hours spent listening to TalkSport, for example, I would rather enjoy a performance of Jade Goody Sings the Classics than buy Budget Van Insurance. That’s Budget Van Insurance. Yes, Budget Van Insurance – “It’s a van man thing”. I can just about sit through Budget’s sales pitch, knowing it will soon be over, but then Adam Hart-Davis comes on and urges me to get my tax return in by the end of January. If I’m particularly unlucky, this might be followed by another government advert nagging me to drive more carefully, eat up all my greens, keep my elbows off the table and sit up straight while I’m listening.

Slumped in front of television commercials, I’m occasionally lost in admiration. Whoever does that one for Lloyds TSB, with the train and the animated figures and the ballet music by Elena Kats-Chernin, should win the Booker prize for services to bank advertising. Yet radio hasn’t really moved on from the philosophy of the market stall – speak loudly and repeat the name of the product over and over again.

Unfortunately for the mental wellbeing of listeners, this technique is surprisingly effective. In the late 1970s, there was a London wine warehouse called Barrett’s Liquor Mart. Its owner, Freddy Barrett did a series of adverts in which he sang, very badly and with no apparent tune, the words: “Barrett’s, Barrett’s. Come to Barrett’s. Barrett’s Liquor Maaaaaart!” It was awful, and so effective I can remember it 30 years later.

According to the Radio Advertising Bureau, radio is a good place to advertise because people don’t usually switch stations when the commercials come on. Advertisers can address niche audiences (gruff blokes on TalkSport, classical-music-lovers on Classic FM) and listeners still regard the radio as their friend, so take notice of what they’re told.

Yet radio’s creative people have only sound to work with, and many seem baffled by this. I sym-pathise. I once wrote the script for a campaign advertising a local newspaper. It featured two people talking on a bus, and was terrible. I live in fear that there is a copy stored in an archive somewhere.

I didn’t know back then that the best adverts speak directly to the listener. Autoglass is running a campaign at the moment in which windscreen repairers talk about the dangers of chipped windscreens. The ads are certainly irritating, but you have to admire the sales technique: they are aimed squarely at potential customers who’ll be listening in the car – staring at chipped windscreens.

Paul Donovan returns next week. That’s Paul Donovan, the man for all your radio needs. Remember the name: Paul Donovan (subject to availability, terms and conditions may apply)

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