It’s hard to make the character of a blowfish plausible, let alone villainous, but somehow Torchwood (BBC Two) managed it. First of all he was just a speeding blowfish, who nevertheless let an old lady cross the road safely although her snail’s pace made him puff his gills. He took one of the Torchwood gang hostage but, hooray, Captain Jack (John Barrowman) returned, with that pearly-white leer of his, and shot the blowfish in the head.

Captain Jack has been away and seen the end of the world, and being immortal disports himself as a man with not much to lose. So when he came face to face with Captain Hart, a former lover in Adam Ant Prince Charming jacket and with a pearly leer all his own, there was only one thing to do – fight, kiss, grope and kiss again. To say Torchwood has gone gay would be an understatement: its straight characters now seem to be a minority.

When he wasn’t fighting his feelings for Captain Hart, Captain Jack was checking out his besuited colleague Ianto. Captain Hart, played by James Marsters (Spike from Buffy) is clearly set to be something of an antagonist. He pitched up wanting the team’s assistance in finding some radioactive canisters. We knew his intentions weren’t entirely honourable. But Captain Jack liked him. They had been partners “in everything”.

How long they had actually been together? “Two weeks” became “five years” as they had been stuck in some kind of time loop. As his outfit denoted, Captain Hart was less into law and order and more into bounty hunting. He deployed my favourite poison used on a sci-fi TV series ever – paralysing lip gloss – to disable nice Gwen, who has the civvie boyfriend at home keeping her dinner warm.

That’s the brilliant thing about Torchwood: everyday Cardiff hums alongside psychotic blowfish and time loops. In between the dizzying action, there are gorgeous shots of its orange street-lit arteries. Captain Hart tried to tempt Jack into a life of space crime: “We should be up there among the stars,” he cooed – and you imagined them in a Philippe Starck-designed space pod.

But Captain Jack was more attracted to Ianto. Captain Hart tried and failed to murder Captain Jack, then Gwen was again in danger. To save her the Torchwooders had to also save Captain Hart, by now with a flashing clamp on his chest, who muttered some dark thing about Captain Jack’s past and evaporated.

Even though John Barrowman is somehow utterly annoying – immortal? please no – his relationships with his team (frustrated love with Gwen, crush on Ianto) mean that those of us who don’t really understand what they’re chasing or fighting at least get all the soppy bits. Fast, funny and daring, Torchwood is also significantly sharper than its prime-time BBC One cousin, Doctor Who.

Up until last night, “Kim”, shouted at loud volume, meant you had strayed into the deranged suburban territory of Kath and Kim. But last night “Kimmy” was Norman Wisdom’s clarion call for his daughter-in-law as she scurried hither and thither caring for the comedian, 92 and growing frailer and vaguer by the day. Lorraine Charker-Phillips’s revealing film, Wonderland: The Secret Life of Norman Wisdom aged 92¾ showed how Wisdom’s family coped with a decision that affects many children as their parents grow old and less capable – do you take care of them, or put them in a home?

Initially, Kim played the carer with fortitude and wit, even as Wisdom insisted on getting them hopelessly lost on his much-loved afternoon drives. Wisdom’s own two children just felt unable to care for him, and it was especially moving watching daughter Jackie – who loved her dad and was frustrated by him too – flail in a puddle of feelings: love, resentment, guilt. “You feel like the biggest heap of shit,” she confessed tearily.

Wisdom, despite his fading faculties, loved an audience. He mugged for the cameras, he caused mini-chaos at the airport. He asked a young boy at his grandson’s school if he knew who he was. “Greg’s grandpa,” came the reply. Lovely. Eventually, the family put Wisdom into a nursing home where he could play to a captive audience: “Please don’t laugh at me ’cos I’m a fool,” one of Wisdom’s songs went. His appreciative audience applauded and, of course, he winked.

Out of the box

— After his panto-villainous triumph in Joseph: Any Dream Will Do, Andrew Lloyd Webber is making an appearance in Hollyoaks. He’ll turn up in late January in a long-running storyline about a character’s musical aspirations. How about an episode set to music?

— The mystery of Dermot O’Leary’s coat is finally solved. I, and a good few of you, wondered where he got the lovely, fitted brown number he wore on the opening night of Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack. A friendly shop assistant – who sold Dermot the said item – reveals that it is from All Saints, the style is called Rochester, the colour is “Hovis”, and it is currently £58.50, down from £195 in the sale. However, you’ll be lucky to find one because the coat, even before its starring role, was already selling very well.

tim.teeman@thetimes.co.uk

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