For those who don’t goal-hang the schedules of Living TV and live almost wholly on a diet of America’s Next Top Model, the title of this new BBC Three show might come as something of a puzzlement.

“Britain’s Missing Top Model?” you might ask. “That’s a foxy piece of grammar. What is this show? Is it, as the initial glance would suggest, some sensational drama about a kidnapped – or ‘Missing’ – supermodel?”

“Or,” you might think, “on reflection, could the emphasis be a little different? ‘Britain’s Missing-Top Model’, perhaps – a wry, sparky biography of the first topless model in Britain?” I mean, to be honest, the title is bewildering. In the event it turns out that Britain’s Missing Top Model is an America’s Next Top Model-style attempt to find Britain’s first disabled model. The show takes place over five weeks, as eight wannabe models with disabilities compete for the prize – a photo-spread in Marie Claire and, possibly, a modelling contract.

However, there is a quantum increase in titling confusion on finding that two of the models only have one arm, one has lost a leg, and one “had all the neurons sheered off” in her brain in a car accident, and now has an inability to relate to people. This makes you suspect that the producers originally wanted to call it Britain’s Top Model With Missing Bits, but thought better of it at the last minute.

Anyway, the title’s not the only baffling element of Britain’s Missing Top Model. To be frank, Britain’s Missing Top Model is a mess, and it all boils down to one, elemental problem: no lunatic sassy bitches.

For those who have never watched America’s Next Top Model, I can only offer pity, and this brief résumé of the show’s raison d’être. Devised and presented by the former supermodel Tyra Banks, ANTM is a modelling boot-camp where Banks attempts to teach a new generation of hookers what her years in the industry have taught her. Primarily, the skill that Tyra attempts to pass on to her emaciated protégées is the technique of “Fierce Eyes”, by which the Fierce Eye-ee both widens their eyes, and squints, simultaneously, while looking borderline psychotic. For those who never witnessed Banks doing it, imagine the look on Miss Piggy’s face as she shouts “Hi-ya CHOP!”

Before I watched America’s Next Top Model, I conceived of modelling as being a fairly dossy job, general starvation aside. Now, however, I have watched a 17-year-old with a fever trying to sit on an ice sculpture in a bikini, holding a snake, while Tyra Banks shouts “FIERCE EYES, Uniqua! FIERCE EYES!” from the sidelines. Modelling’s pretty tough.

And herein lies the problem with Britain’s Missing Top Model. By using “Top Model” in the title, they have bought into the America’s Next Top Model bitch-franchise – one so successful it has now sold to 34 countries including Afghanistan. The audience that BMTM will attract will be expecting an ANTM-esque event.

However, as it becomes swiftly apparent, taking the most-judgmental show on Earth and making it over into a touchy-feely, patronising piece of Issue TV on behalf of the disabled just doesn’t work. It’s as pointless as buying into the McDonald’s franchise and then turning your branch into a expensive vegan gastropub.

And so, here, then, is the confused viewer – watching BMTM and wondering why there are no sassy bitches cracking the whip at weeping hopefuls. It’s not even clear who BMTM’s chief bitch is – “top model agent” Jonathan Pang initially appears to be the show’s in loco parentis Tyra, but then recedes into the background when the even-more supportive Wayne Hemingway turns up.

Without the establishment of a hardline agenda of body-fascism and borderline psychological torture, the show immediately collapses inwards in a mush of “caring” and “issues”.

The judging rounds – a moment where a girl’s entire existence can be reduced to rubble for not having “powerful arms” in ANTM – turns into an “understanding and affirmation” session on BMTM.

“You’ve all done so well,” Wayne Hemingway coos. “You’re going to change the modelling industry's perception of disability.” No one cries at all. In a nutshell, what’s missing from Britain’s Missing Top Model is America’s Next Top Model.

Britain’s Missing Top Model, Tues, BBC Three, 9pm

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