Cutting Edge: The Fun Police (Channel 4)

Gosh. GARDEN is indeed an anagram of DANGER. To prove it Ed, a veteran inspector from the Health and Safety Executive, also revealed that garden canes are like “poisoned darts” and people have been “dying like flies” because of hanging baskets. At the beginning of The Fun Police, the laughs were plentiful because the makers held a whimsical and beautifully filmed mirror up to our prejudices about health and safety inspectors and their busybody image.

When Ed went to a garage and gave a lecture about how to pick up a box — “You go down on your haunches, grip, ease it up . . .” — the sniggers were audible. He then put the box under a table, saying gravely: “I don’t want to leave a tripping hazard.”

The vogue for health and safety was succinctly summarised by one boss as “Everybody is trying to cover everybody’s arse”. Pauline, in south Bedfordshire, had the unfortunate task of trying to monitor an illegal glue being used in nail salons. She was shouted at and abused.

Ed, at home, advised the cameraman solemnly that there were acorns on the drive and to watch his footing. “They’re like roller bearings,” he said, shaking his head. In his kitchen draws we saw knives all pointing in one direction (the right), the dangers of a sink full of soapy water (“You can drop the bread knife in and not see it”), and the wisdom of placing all pan handles on the hob horizontally (so as not to have them hanging over the edge and in the way of sudden hand movements), but not horizontally over the remaining hobs in use, meaning that they would overheat and burn an unsuspecting hand. Hang the expense, I’m eating out every night. It’s safer.

At a government facility men in white coats were testing crash dummies on pulleys which, on little railway tracks, were set off to bash into blocks. Explosions spluttered, there were bolts of flame. “We’re getting data,” one of the men in white coats said. How brilliant that there are facilities to ascertain how dangerous our vacuum cleaners are; and that there are well-attended health and safety conferences where Ed, with the weariness of the old pro, surveyed the leaflets and said “Chainsaws at work . . . that won’t be relevant to every business.” Yes, I fell a bit in love with Ed.

To rid themselves of their killjoy image the Health and Safety Executive sponsored the World Conker Championships, after a story broke that a school had banned conker matches because of fears over health and safety. It all seemed jolly enough until Ed came along to judge the state of the car parking facilities, but — phew — there was “good access” and the entrance/exit was “safe”.

The programme stopped short of making him a figure of fun: he had worked at the job for 60 years and felt passionately, despite the tabloid headlines accusing his profession of crazy rule-making, that health and safety was very much for the public good. His father had suffered burns as a foundry worker and had inhaled gas when working in a factory. It was a time, Ed said, when workers were exploited through their ignorance. One of the inspectors said he gets angrier and angrier at the “absolute waste of human life” presided over by lazy companies. His job meant he was an “expert in human misery”. There would never be a recession in “health and safety” — sadly.

Star Stories (Channel 4)

Star Stories is almost too fast (and funny) to convey in print, but here goes. A new series of Kevin Bishop’s wickedly satirical and precise biographies began with Elton John (and his “civil partner and independent film-maker in his own right” David Furnish). We saw John eating cocaine sandwiches in the 1970s. We saw him try to commit suicide by jumping into a swimming pool and holding his breath under the surface before emerging enraged that none of the guests had taken any notice. His “struggle with his sexuality” was captured in a special moment with Freddie Mercury: “I’m not gay but I have experimented by f***ing loads of geezers.”

He swapped “How many suicide attempts lately, love” anecdotes with “Lady Princess Di”. After she died she returned to tell him to carry on living to counsel traumatised celebrities. He smashed every bit of glassware. His living room was replete with Elizabeth Hurley musing on who the father of her unborn baby was and Victoria Beckham weeping on the sofa. David Furnish, still an “independent film-maker in his own right”, made the tea.

We skittered through hair loss, saving George Michael from himself on Hampstead Heath, the sight of Prince Philip on a motorcycle pursuing “Princess Lady Di” into the Pont d’Alma (“Get your paws off that bloody A-rab!”) and a brilliant new rendering of Goodbye England’s Rose: “Goodbye Lady Di/You were the People’s Princess/And they could all see through that dress”. It was a thoroughly loving, rather than vicious, demolition job.

tim.teeman@thetimes.co.uk

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