PETE, sitting on the sofa with the remote: Cait! Hurry up! Lost!

CAITLIN enters, holding two variety packs of cereal: I fixed us a romantic dinner.

They open the Frosties, and start eating them dry. Pete presses “play”.

PETE, with a contented sigh: It’s so nice to bed down in front a drama that doesn’t muck about. A loaded aircraft crashes on to an island with a monster on it — and that’s before the credits have even started. That’s good time management. It’s like being in a restaurant when the camp young man appears out of nowhere with a basket of warm “speciality” breads. You can just get chewing while you wait for the other stuff.

CAITLIN, tapping Pete’s leg: Shhhh! Naveen Andrews is trying to tame the wilful beast.

PETE: What — the monster?

CAITLIN: No — his accent.

PETE, munching on Frosties: Hey, who among us would know an Iraqi accent? You just point your vocal chords in the direction of Pakistan and busk it.

They watch for a minute. Eventually:

CAITLIN: It’s OK — it’s a boring Jack bit now. Our hunky doctor is trying to save lives and woo Kate. We can talk again.

PETE: Since Desperate Housewives ended, there’s been a huge gap in my life for some form of destination TV.

CAITLIN: But doesn’t . . .You know . . . The other stuff get to you a bit?

PETE: What “other stuff”? The adverts? There are a few too many,

CAITLIN: No! You know. All the STUFF.

Caitlin buries her head in the cushion. There is a pause.

PETE: Have you got any afters? Caitlin throws a packet of Coco-Pops at him.

CAITLIN, reluctantly: I’ve been on some Lost fansites. I’ve been reading about the show. This isn’t just a tropical comedy thriller with a monster in it, you know.

PETE, warily: It isn’t?

CAITLIN: No.

PETE: What is it, then?

CAITLIN: It’s meaningful. And you don’t like meaningful programmes.

PETE: Hey, Desperate Housewives was meaningful to me. I identified with those women. What do you mean when you say it’s “meaningful?”

CAITLIN: Well they’re already on season two in America, and the creators say that they have another eight years’ worth of plots ready.

PETE: EIGHT YEARS? What kind of commitment do they want? You only get six in the Foreign Legion!

CAITLIN: But there’s so many mysteries to be solved.

PETE: No there aren’t. As far as I can see, there’s just two. 1) Where are they? And 2) Who brought the angry Snuffaluffagus in their luggage?

CAITLIN: But there’s all these mysteries you haven’t even noticed yet. Why, when Locke smiles at Kate, are his teeth always orange and glowing? The kid, Walt, looks at a picture of a polar bear in his comic book — and ten minutes later, a polar bear appears in the jungle. What’s that all about?

PETE: Well . . .

CAITLIN: I mean, you have no idea of the complexity of what’s going on here. It’s like X Files meets Mulholland Drive meets the death of JFK. The monster might be a physical manifestation of their fear. On the other hand, they might be the monsters. One guy on the official site reckons that Claire is pregnant with the Anti-Christ, and God made them crash to save the rest of the world.

PETE: This is like porn for dopeheads.

CAITLIN: It’s not — it’s clever, cutting-edge television.

PETE: It’s clever all right. Get your basic “for thickies” plotline in place, for plebs like me. Then fashion an air of unreality around the whole thing which leaves just enough unexplained at any one time for very stoned people and bored teenagers to read into it as much as possible. Well, I’m not falling for it.

CAITLIN: But you have (points at telly). You’ve been here at 10pm for the last three weeks.

PETE: You know, I fear for the future of our cosy Wednesday evenings on the sofa. I think we’re pursuing different Lost agendas. You appear to be wading waist-deep through some gigantic, Oliver Stone-like bog of conspiracy theories and cod sci-fi babble gleaned from watching a couple of episodes of Stargate and occasionally resting your TV dinner on a Philip K. Dick novel.

CAITLIN: What are you doing, then?

PETE: I just want to see the big monster eat someone.

Lost, Channel 4, Wednesday, 10pm

Editor's choice

• The 100 Best Films of the Decade
• 70 facts you didn't know about Marvel
• The 50 Biggest Movies Of 2010